Friday, April 28, 2006


We decided to do a running blog entry of tonight’s Cavs-Wizards game. Few reasons: Its our favorite series right now, we had nothing else better to do…but basically we just wanted to write glowing things about LeBron James.

A few notes before we get things under way:

- All this crap that LeBron didn’t play well because he got knocked around is just that: crap. The Zards D really didn’t have that much to do with the win: Bron Bron just didn’t play that well. When you are saving balls under your own basket and missing breakaway dunks, you just don’t have you’re A game. He leads the NBA in 3-point plays: you think he can’t handle some contact? Dude’s a freight train. Brenden Heywood is…ah, you know what? He’s a Carolina grad. We’ll lay off.
- Will Bronny still attack the rim? Not because he’s scared of contact, but because the Wiz are laying off him. So maybe the real question is, can the King knock down a few open J’s?
- We know Gilbert and LeBron are going to get theirs. Who else will step up? If Drew Gooden can duplicate his performance from Game 2 coupled with LeBron playing better, it’s a wrap. If the Wizards big three can crack 75, it’s a wrap. If both those things happen…well, that’s a lot of wraps.
- Caron Butler is a dead man for mocking LeBron’s “chalk in the air” routine. A dead man.
- We’re openly cheering for the Cavs.
- We’re slightly buzzed. Just saying.

In the interest of full disclosure: we’re joined by my man Biz; Polly and Caspian (the house ducks) and a full case of Miller Lite. Here we go…

Snapper Jones and Mike Tirico calling the game. Love Tirico, hate Snapper. We’ll call it a draw. His name is Snapper! How bad does your real name have to be to change it to Snapper? Snapper, BJ…ESPN needs to hire some people with more sexual names, we think.

Doris Burke working the sideline. Apparently, Trey Wingo was unavailable.

Ilgauskas opens up the game by drilling a hook shot that started at his knees. I can’t believe that goes in regularly. Nice beard, Z, you look like the Russian guy from Bad Boys II. But everyone one the Cavs has a beard. In fact, like, 85% of the people in the playoffs have a beard. Except Nash, he can’t grow facial hair. Just MVPs. (And I just puked. Nash: back to back MVP. Yea, he’s that good. Puke again)

Down 6-4, Z has shot 3 times, Gooden once, Hughes twice. Maybe LeBron could touch it, yes? By the way, only one of those went in.

Both teams seem pretty upset with the backboard. And the basketball. Those two are colliding a lot. The net is lonely.

Gooden hammers home a tip dunk. If the Wiz don’t keep him off the glass, they are done. Good sign of you’re a Cavs fun (like us).

Gooden just double dribbled. I swear to God. He dribbled, picked it up, shot faked, and then dribbled again. Second graders everywhere said, “Hey, you can’t do that!.”

LeBron scores! Goes coast to coast after a rebound. Good sign, despite the sloppy start.

(Breaking news! Mario Williams signs with the Texans! Good God, the Niners have a chance at Reggie Bush! If the Niners get Bush, and LeBron plays well…and the Tar Heels recruiting class….dear lord, this is too much..don’t mess with me)

Gilbert says “let LeBron get his and we’ll take away everyone else.” Yes. Very smart. Let’s do that.

This is so sloppy. Both teams are missing layups, falling over, throwing the ball away, falling over…is this Cavs-Wiz or Rockers-Mystics (yes, I know these cities WNBA teams. We’ll discuss this later).

Wizards are doubling LeBron off the pick and roll. That conflicts with the whole “let LeBron get his” doesn’t it? By the way, I don’t get the whole “let him get his” theory. Why wouldn’t he score every time then? They aren’t letting him score, are they?

Butler just shot a three from near the top of the key and it hit the backboard – squarely. Wow. Karma, Caron. You have no one to blame but yourself. If you got points for hitting the backboard really hard and avoiding the rim at all costs, the Wiz would be killing the Cavs. As is stands, they’re up six, 17-11.

Commercial break. We are all witnesses. Yes we are.

Flagrant foul on Anderson Varajao. Unreal. The NBA is turning into a bunch of pussies. That’s ridiculous. He bodied them up. This is a contact sport, Commish. Let ‘em play. Neither Artest or Psey should be suspended. They were hard fouls – granted, they had nothing to do with basketball, but whatever – and it’s the playoffs.

Cripes. Arenas drills a pull up three. But LeBron answers, getting to the rim, taking the foul, finishing, but missing the free throw. 22-15, Wiz.

Caron Butler scores again, coast to coast. 26-15. This is no good. 7-8-8 so far for the Big Three. This is no good.

LeBron hammers one out of the time out, blowing by everyone from the top of the key and finishing with two hands. We’ll leave it to Tirico: “Excuse me while I clear my throat.”

End of the quarter: LeBron whips a great pass to Verajao under the rim, who is promptly rejected. Memo to LeBron: he sucks. Quit throwing him the ball, especially under the rim when no one is around him. Bad things happen. Still, Cavs force a quick turnover and Flip Murray’s dunk beats the buzzer. After one – Wiz up 7. 13 combined turnovers. Let’s sharpen things up, eh, ladies?

Good God. Arenas is on fire. LeBron answers again, though. He’s kinda good. Oh, he scored again while I was typing that. I’m a slow typer, but that was fast.

I went to grab a beer – Bizz, what I miss? Oh you’re sleeping? K, just checking.

Every time the Wiz make a big basket, LeBron answers. It’s a layup fest for him. Where is the enforcer Brenden Haywood?

(I have to pee so bad. Can we go to commercial please? Please?!?!)

Haywood flops as Ilgauskas gets an easy bucket. I never say Charles Oakley flop, or any “enforcer” for that matter.

With 6:13 left in the half, Arenas head to the locker room. Yay. Going to check the flop, we think.

Antonio Daniels – knock it off. He’s causing all kinds of problems, getting in the paint, drawing fouls. Two freebies pushes the lead out to eight. Damn you, Antonio.


Bronny misses a three. Shit. Jared Jeffries, three point play. Shit.

James: 16 points. Rest of team: 20. Yea, Kobe has a weak supporting cast.

The Big Three is pissing me off. I hate all of them. Quit shooting, all three of you! The Cavs playing can’t guard their own shadow, though, so that might help.

Mike Brown – get that look of your face. Tell me you have some answers. That look makes me think you don’t. Oh, you’re just relying in LeBron? You have no answers? Just that dumb look? We thought so.

LeBron follows up a Snow miss with a tip dunk, then steals a lazy pass and hammers one at the other end. Still, the Wizznuts are up 10. Make that eight: Varajeo actually made a layup. I don’t know who I hate more, the Wizznuts or LeBron’s supporting cast.

Halftime: Cavs down 8. The Big Three really couldn’t have played any better. Bron needs some help. Anyone. Z? Larry? Drew Gooden? Oh nevermind, Drew is done. Atawn Jamison is “taking it personal” to stop him. So Gooden is done. Fabulous.

Second half is under way. Arenas drills a jumper. Of course he did.

In the interest of full disclosure, these posts are starting to be a lot funnier to me. And that’s not because I am writing funny lines. Yea.

ESPN just showed back to back shots of the Cavs coach and the Wizards coach making the exact same face; they should just run a thought bubble above their heads saying, “What is the best way I can blow this game?” I don’t think either of them is smart. So this game should be up to the players. Somehow, we don’t know who that favors. The Wiz have more good players, but the Cavs have the best.

Somehow, this game is getting boring. Half court set after half court set resulting in bricked midrange jumpers. Lots of fouls. Few offensive rebounds. C’mon fellas, gimme something.

Biz just sneezed in his sleep. That was more exciting than anything in this half.

Caron drills a fadeaway. Kid is having himself a game. Bron answers in the post. Why isn’t he living in there? They aren’t doubling him, and hes about 7 feet from the bucket. I see no downside.

Are you bored reading this? You should be, because I’m bored writing this.

Not anymore! Heywood just airballed a free throw. That’s right. He’s being paid a lot of money to play basketball and he can’t hit the rim from 15 feet away. He should get a bigger suspension than Delmon Young. That’s ridiculous.

Oh what a fucking pass. LeBron just flicked a pass from the 3 point line under the rim to someone who made a layup. It was all wrist, just snap and it was there. I’m still trying to figure out how he got it in there. Heywood didn’t even see it zip over his shoulder; it was like throwing a fade when the DB isn’t quite looking. That’s why he’s LeBron, plain and simple. Damn.

The announcers are making a big deal that LeBron “doesn’t focus on the defender in front of him.” Just the help. Little secret, fellas: that goes for a lot of the players in the NBA. Few people can stop a professional scorer one-on-one. That’s why help D is so crucial in the NBA – the primary defender is usually useless.

Somehow, we’re tied after the third quarter. Fourth, all even…it’s the playoffs, great become good, legends are born, and any other cliché you wanna throw out.

Wiz draw first blood on a sweet baseline drive by Arenas. The reverse finish in traffic…that was tough. But, as always, LeBron answers, drilling a three. But Arenas responds with a two of his own. Shootout!

Arenas scores again – holy hell, he’s tough – and Hughes answers right back with a layup and the foul. Free throw on the way, after the break…good. We’re all tied. Michael Ruffin checks in after Haywood picks up his fifth foul, and not for his offense.

Ga-Damn. Arenas with a 3 point play. I hate him. Bronny hits a three! The back and forth is getting a little “can you top this?” I never saw it, but this is turning into a poor man’s - very poor, mind you – Bird/’Nique.

5:34 left. Cavs down 6 after two Caron Butler free throws. He has 18. I hate him so hard.

Neither team seems particularly interested in stopping the other. I know the playoffs are all about D, but I can’t name a series – certainly not this one – where one team just put the clamps on another team.

No one is even sweating right now. There’s three minutes left in the fourth quarter of a crucial first round playoff game – and no one is sweating.

OK, two minutes left. My concentation is waning. I think I’m drunk. Wiz up four. I hate them. LeBron with another three point play. Everyone else on his team sucks. He does everything. He might as well have the Rockers out there. They don’t guard anyone, they don’t make open shots – they’re freakin worthless. LeBron has them within one.

1:45 left, Wiz ball. Arenas flops on a block call and goes to the line. Makes one of two. If LeBron can pull out a win here, he’s a god. He gets fouled, no call – Wiz ball. Ruffin fouled, but since the refs were trying to make up for screwing LeBron, they don’t call it. Donyell Marshall wake up from his nap, misses a three, and then is fouled when he grabs his own rebound. He knocks down both free throws – game tied at 93, 50.8 seconds left.

Oh no. LeBron is chewing on his nails in the timeout. Could he have picked a worse nervous habit? I’d rather have him smoking Marlboro’s.

Murray steals an entry pass! Cavs balls. 41.8 secs. LeBron goes to town on his fingernails. Even Snapper is mocking him. Hail Mary, full of grace…

LeBron scores…probably a jumpball, but he’s Lebron….Arenas the other way…layup, yes…And one! Makes the freebie…23.4 secs left, Cavs ball, down one. Here we go, Bronny, it’s all you.

Oh my God, I cant breathe….Oh my God…Oh…My…God…LeBron works his way in to the paint, takes the contact, hangs…and banks in an impossible shot…should have got the foul, too…just a ridiculous shot…ga-damn, he’s good. I witnessed that. 5 ticks left.

Arenas inbounds…gets it back…Hughes falls down…(tears begin to form…)…Arenas misses! Game, Cavs!

Everyone bite your nails! Its cool! It makes you hit game winners and shouldn’t be a concern at all!

Final thoughts: the Cavs trailed all game, and somehow won. That means something. LeBron willed them to that win…41 points, record for most points on the road during a playoff debut. This series is going to be a classic. Long live the King.

And I’m drunk, I think. Sorry.

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