Monday, February 28, 2005

Things That Make Sense.

Ironically, the title of this post is the complete opposite of what the post is really about. But maybe that's just sarcasm; I've never been able to define irony, anyways.

Listen: there are a lot of stupid people in charge. A lot. And they come up with some pretty stupid shit. Here's some of the big ones:

  • The 65 vs. 64 play-in game.
  • The MLB All-Star game decides home field advantage in the World Series.
  • The NBA's charge circle.
  • The NBA Final's 2-3-2 format.
  • Overtime in both pro and college football
And those are just the big ones. If these idiots have the nerve to put stuff like that front and center, imagine the little stuff they are trying to sneak past us.

Well I say no more. But that really isn't going to change anything. But let's keep track of all those dumb things, anyways because when you see them all lined up in a row, it's pretty impressive, in a "wow, that baseball stadium just got blowed up in four seconds" kind of way.

So the next time you see a dumb rule - that college football clock rule jumps to mind - or a stupid idea - MLB's steroid investigation fits - or just anything that doesn't make any sense, here's the place to immortalize it. OK, immortalize is too strong. But leave it in the comments and it will go in the little sidebar.

And hey, that's something, isn't it?

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The G.O.A.T.s

I don't know if Earl Manigault started the whole "GOAT" stands for Greatest of All Time thing because his nickname was The Goat, or it is vice versa, or they two things have nothing to do with each other, but I always associate them together. So this list is in your honor, Earl.

This list recognizes, simply, the Greatest of All Time. Doesn't matter what the category is; the more creative the better.

Some categories are easy: reciever, for example. No one has ever done it better than my man Jerry Rice. Others are a little more difficult, like quarterback. I'm in the Montana camp: I say the rings speak for themselves; but if you are on the Marina bandwagon, I can see that argument, too.

Let's get a little more creative, though: What's the greatest catch ever? I say Gary Matthews Jr. scaling the wall. How 'bout the greatest cover of all time? Chris Duhon's meaningless three from three-quarters court to cover the spread but still lose the game against UConn had my boy sitting in an empty bathtub for hours with his hands covering his face - that's the GOAT in my book.

So what else is there? You come up with the category and the GOAT. Just make sure you give a decent reason why, and I will get it up on the sidebar. As of right now, it is the shortest list up there. Let's do something about that, shall we?

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Please Go Away. Now.

I really don't like Mike Patrick. Not too many people realize this, but he is a worse Duke-slurper than the aptly named Dookie V.

It's hard to notice at first, because Vitale is so over the top that he is basically doing an impersonation of himself the whole time, but if you really pay attention, you notice than Patrick does nothing to stop Vitale from proclaiming Dook the reason behind all things sacred and in fact he actually promotes it.

He will praise anything Duke does, regardless of importance or circumstance. Dive on the floor up 30? Only a Dukie would have such heart. Take a charge down 30? Only Duke would continue to play with such vigor in so dire circumstances. Then he will make excuses everytime Duke screws up - it has been a pure joy hearing him search for reasons why Greg Paulus just dribble off his knee for the third time this half. And then he will slyly underhand anything Duke's opponent does. By the end of the game, he has ripped off his shirt to reveal a huge Duke-blue D painted on his chest and starts jumping in rhythm with the Cameron Crazies. It's pretty unbearable.

But he isn't the only announcer I can't stand. Paul McGuire comes to mind. ABC was so sick of him they stuck him in a crane and they still couldn't get rid of him. Or what about Skip Bayless? The man hates everyone and everything. Why so angry Skip?

But hey, it isn't just the media. Athletes are guilty, too. T.O. is a no brainer; but sly little pricks like Bruce Bowen aren't to be forgotten, either.

Once the names started piling up, I decided it was time to make a list of people who, for one reason or another, would probably make the world a better place if they would just go away. Now. Hence, the Please Go Away. Now List. We're very polite about it, which is all you can really ask for, I think.

So if you've got someone to add to the list - and really, who doesn't have at least ten - just post 'em here and I'll make sure they take their rightful place in the sidebar.

Oh, and Barbaro, too. I hate that damn horse.

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Words People Thought and Then Made Into Sentences and Then Actually Said Outloud

If there is one thing that is for certain in the sports world - well, other than the fact that Isiah Thomas will turn whatever he touches into a catastrophe - it is that people will say ridiculous things.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to keep track of them? Yea, I thought it would too. So let's do that. If you come across a good quote - preferably from sports, but if it is that good, it really doesn't matter where it is from - just post it here and then I'll make sure it gets added to that list in the sidebar.

Doesn't matter if the quote is new or old. You can even paraphrase it if you just heard it and can't remember it word for word. I'll take care of the rest.

What kind of quotes are we looking for? Well, for a full list, take a peek at the sidebar. But here are some to get you started...

"The Bears are who we thought they were!" - Dennis Green

"He worries about what people say about him and he Googles himself." - David Wells on Bud Selig

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls." - Karl Malone

"Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive." - Kim Etheredge

"Wells Fargo will contribute $5,000 to the 49ers Foundation to help under-served youth in the Bay Area for every 49ers touchdown scored this season. [Pause] There's going to be a lot of sad kids." - Joe Starkey, 49ers radio broadcaster

There you go: there are coaches, athletes, announcers, p.r. reps. Anyone will do. Basically, if they fill any of these requirements, they are golden:

1) If the speaker makes a statement and you can then imagine the person who signs the speaker's paychecks slamming their head repeatedly off of his or her desk, the quote is in.

2) You read a quote and have to ask yourself, "Wait...some one actually said that? Nu uh. That's made up." That's a quote I'd be interested in.

3) Anything that isn't a standard "We take 'em one game at a time" quote. Although Rasheed Wallace answering 102 straight questions with "Bof teams played hard my man" definitely qualifies.

So from now on, the second you hear someone say something ridiculous, you know just where to go. Word.

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Free Passes

Listen: I don't know how to describe what The Free Pass List is.

Originally, it was supposed to be a list of people who were so cool that they could screw up and get a "free pass" for it. But then I realized I sounded like a sixth grade girl saying "you're so cool!" No good.

Then I thought a Point 23 Hall of Fame would be a good idea. But you have to do something pretty frickin' crazy to get into a Hall of Fame, and you have to do it for a pretty long time. Plus, you need like a committee and stuff, so that's out.

It was "The Cool Lunch" Table for a while, but then I remembered what my man Roy Williams had to say about being cool: ""I despise cool. I've never seen one frickin' person who was cool who I liked." Preach, Roy, preach.

Really, I don't know how to say this without sounding like an 11-year-old girl talking about a boy band, so here goes. The Free Pass List is just people - athletes, coaches, media members, entertainers, whatever - that are cool. There, I said it. Stop giggling.

Point 23 Approved? Friends of Point 23? You tell me. Really, I am open to suggestions. I'm kinda hoping it turns into one of those things that people will have forgotten what it actually means, but just say it because that's how they've always said it, like "shut up." If you think about it, that really doesn't make sense, and the first time someone said it, the other person probably did not stop talking, probably because they had to ask what "shut up" actually means. But now people say it all the time. I forget what I was talking about.

If you still don't know what I am talking about, and there is a very good chance you don't, scroll down the sidebars. Just look through the people already on there and hopefully you'll get a feel for what I am going for here. Then start submitting. The list is woefully out of date and there are tons of worthy folks out there who aren't on there just because I couldn't remember them, and I bet they feel pretty bad about it. So let's get 'em on there.

Sound good? Alright then, let's get to work. If you want to nominate someone, post it here and I'll make sure it finds its way onto the sidebar. Promise.

Oh yea: LeBron James, Jerry Rice and/or anyone associated with UNC Hoops is a given. Just so you know.

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