Monday, September 25, 2006

The Week That Was: Week 3

Some thoughs from Sunday's games...

Can you believe Keyshawn Johnson scored on a reverse? Actually, can you even believe the Panthers ran a reverse with Keyshawn? If there was a race with all NFL recievers, I'm pretty sure Key would finish last. Name me a slower wide reciever. I dare you.

Rex Grossman: 41 pass attempts. Holy shit.

I'm pretty sure you could land an airplane on Merril Hodge's head. Honestly, if he shaved his head, I think it would look like a gallon of milk turned upside-down. Also, I hate him.

I hate TJ Houshmanzadeh, too. I don't even know why. I think its his girl hair. Actually, I'm positive it's his girl hair. God, I hate it. Shave your head, TJ, then we can be boys again. Til then, wear an orange scrunchie. Championship!

Poor Frank Gore. I'm pretty sure Coach Nazi has the gas chamber all ready to go. On the plus side, we get to see Michael Robinson and his enormous head carry the ball more. So that'll be fun.

He didn't have the costliest fumble of the week though: that distinction belongs to Mr. Kurt Warner, or as he's now called, Brynn Cameron's Baby Daddy's Backup. Does Kurt Warner have baby hands? Why does he fumble so much? Guess it doesn't matter now, because the only thing he'll be hanging onto is a clipboard. Kinda feel bad for him. But I feel bad for anyone in a Cardinals uniform. They look like the fake teams they make up for episodes of Law & Order or CSI. How do real teams even take them seriously?

(And by "real teams," I mean everyone except the Raiders.)

Um, if I was a Dolphins fan, I'd be pretty scared right now. 13-10. To the Titans? How the hell is Culpepper messing up that offense? Every skill position is stacked. I really hope for Culpeppers sake that his o-line just blows. Because if his O-line is solid, then...well...bad news for the chile pepper.

When Peyton Manning fooled the hell out of the Jag's D end, what do you think was going through his mind? You know how you can think of like 37 things in about half a second? His mind had to have been putting in overtime: "OK, here comes the handoff, lemme fly after this runne....FUCK! Oh shit, Peyton still has it...Oh, shit, there just went my knee...I look like some jackass propsing to his fiance...Fucking A! I can't believe I have to get up and run after Peyton Freaking Manning and he's gonna handily beat me to the endzone! This is some humiliating shit right here...How many times are they gonna show this on Sport Center? What an asshole."

Attention: I will be bitching about fantasy football now, which no one wants to read. I know this. This isn't about you. This is about me. Skip to the next paragraph. With the 4:15 games winding down, I'm in a dead-even game. Donovan McNabb, my MVP, is sitting on 296 yards passing. The game against the Niners is well in hand, but the Eagles have the ball in Niners territory and decide to take a "Why the hell not?" chance at the endzone. So Donnie Mac lofts a gorgeous ball to the endzone, where Reggie Brown promptly drops it. Of course he does. McNabb doesn't throw again the rest of the game. So I lose out on the touchdown points, the 300+ bonus points, and eventually, a win. So Reggie Brown: Go hang out with Freddie Mitchell. (And then Shaun Alexander breaks his foot. I love life right now).

There's only three reasons to watch Around the Horn: You enjoy Michael Smith, you enjoy Stat Boy Reali, or you enjoy watching Woody Page mock the show and read his little chalkboard. Those are the only three. I enjoy Michael Smith, so I was paying attention when he came on some random sports center segment with this gem: Deion Branch told Javon Walker not to play in New England when he was seeking a trade, so he gets himself traded to Denver. Then Deion get himself traded to Seattle. Then Javon torches a Deion-less Pats team on SNF. There's a few ways to burn some bridges, but that's a pretty damn good one, Deion. Props.

Brett Favre - whoda thunk, eh? As long as he keeps slinging it to Greg Jennings, I'm all for the Brett Favre reemergence.

Those Briscoe High commercials always confused me. They were cool and everything, but shouldn't a team comprised of Mike Vick, LT, Brian Urlacher and Deion Sander's adopted son be killing high school teams? Like, they shouldn't need a halfback pass on the last play of the game to win, should they? And why the hell is LT throwing the game winning pass when they have Mike Vick at quarterback!?!?

Here's why: Vick can't throw. That's why Briscoe High sucks. He just rifles bullets all over the place. Don't get me wrong, he has a cannon for an arm, but he's like those ball-tossers wide receivers use: its coming out fast, and it will be in the general area, but you're gonna have to make an adjustment. Hell, Don Shula and Urban Meyer can't even coach him up against high school kids. The Michael Vick Experience is currently experiencing technical difficulties.

The Falcons had no chance in that game, anyways. With all the energy and karma going on, Atlanta was screwed. They might as well have been playing against Katrina herself.

Finally, in its off week, the Oakland Raiders held a football clinic for St.Mary's School for the Blind and lost, 24-10. Art Shelled and The Glitch were unavailable for comment.

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