Friday, April 07, 2006

Charlie Villanueva regrets leaving early...

We are aware the NCAA Tournament ended on Monday, and that today is Friday, and so any talk of it is incredibly untimely, but you know what? We don't care. We didn't exist Monday, or else we would have done this then. So we're going back in time to give you our now-annual "Point 23's March Madness All-Ugly Team." We get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Perennial MVP Charlie Villenueva left early to ball in the L (where he was instantly First Team All-Ugly, joining Sam Cassell and Popeye Jones) so that left all-ugly honors wide oen this season. This year's squad has a few returners, a couple sleepers and someone that came from so far out of no where - but
was so hideous - we are considering naming the team after him from now on. To displace Charlie in only your first year? Better start wearing a mask, my man.

Without further ado, here are the five players in this year's tournament who completely waste the ability to pick up groupies with a Cameron-esque line, "Yea, I play major D1 ball. You gonna suck it
or not?"

Josh Boone, UConn. Replaces last year's MVP and former teammate Charlie Villanueva. Why is he so ugly? The forehead...ah, no..maybe its the flopping rows? Yea, that's it. Maybe if he shaved his head...nah, not even then. Damn, Josh.

Jared Dudley, Boston College. A shorter, pudgier, filthier Josh Boone. There's no way to be tactful here: Just get a shower, homie. Hop in a bath. Grab a hose, something, anything. It looks like the filth could just be scraped off him. Defenders have to see his name on the scouting report and just dread the assignment - and not because of the man's skills.

Major Wingate, Tennessee. This picture doesn't really do him justice. You need to see Major after he hammers home a two-handed dunk (success rate: 50%), then lets out a ridiculous, over-the-top scream, showing off all five of his teeth and the cracked face of a 54-year old. Remember when Kramer lives in a smoke-filled room for a week? Think that, times...a lot.

Sheldon Williams, Duke. The hands down favorite heading into this season. Among rumors of actually eating babies, Williams has managed to look like both an Orc form The Lord of the Rings and the underside of a rock. The hideousness is amplified whenever Sheldon screams, which he only does 67 times a game. He was able to carry on the time honored Duke tradition of choking, however, and lost his should-be crown to...

Lorenzo Mata, UCLA. Words fail me. Good God. Usually, he wears a mask - albeit a clear one - but at least that was something. This is just horrific. There's ugly, there's train wreck ugly - bad, but for some reason you have to look - and then there is Mata-Ugly. Mata is cover-your-eyes and fight off tears ugly. Sadly, there is just nothing you can do here. Perhaps a circus...but even they might not take him. Just make it stop.

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