The Top 10 Reasons Why I Hate Mansion Park.

Lots of things are annoying. But not everything is the same amount of annoying. There are Levels of Annoying.

Missing the time you want to set your alarm to by one press of a button is mildly annoying. Wondering when in God's name The Sports Guy is coming out with a new column is pretty annoying. Turning on PTI and seeing someone other than Tony and Mike is really annoying. Watching a game announced by either Paul Maguire or Mike Patrick is gouge-your-eyes-out-with-a-spoon-Houston-style annoying.

But nothing - read this carefully: nothing - is more annoying than playing in the Mansion Park Summer League.

Nothing.

It's the infuriating thing all other infuriating things strive to be like. Think of the most annoying thing you can think of. Really use your imagination. Something just infuriating. Something so stupid and unfair and unexplainable you just want to punch yourself in the temple because of it. Playing in a Mansion game would make that feel like a mud bath at a day spa. With cucumbers on your eyes. (Not that I would know. Ahem.)

There really are a million reasons why playing in this summer league is like the basketball equivalent of Chinese water torture, but somehow I've managed to whittle the list down to a Top Ten. Without further ado...

Reason Number Ten: The Little Things.
Let's see, where to begin? Well for starters, when you leave Mansion, you can't turn left. There's a tree branch on Court Two at Mansion that leads the league in blocks every year (plus if The Tree blocks you, its a turnover...that doesn't seem to fair). The people who run the scoreboard rarely pay attention, but who can blame them, with all that gum to chew, and all those nails to look at, and all those day dreams to get through? That hotline is a joke; if you live 20 minutes away or more, and there's a rain out, well, I hope you like driving. The "fans" who sit in the stands like its a real game and yell at refs and players or cheer loudly, well, I'm sure you have a better way to spend your time. Oh, you don't? This is the highlight of your day? Really? Oh, I'm sorry to hear that...by all means, then, continue humiliating yourself and whoever you are cheering for. Let me step aside. Oh, and they lock the damn door so if you are sitting at Court One, and want to watch a game at Court Two, you have to walk like a block to get there when there is a perfectly functional door that would make that walk non-existant. Makes perfect sense.

Reason Number Nine: The Basketballs.
Mansion hasn't bought a new ball in my lifetime. Maybe that's a small thing, but you know what, though? New basketballs aren't really that minor. New balls every year may seem like a small thing, but its really not. I mean, this is a basketball league. Basketballs are kind of important, no? So would it be too much to ask to pick up a few new balls every summer instead of dusting of the antiques from 1982? We've been playing with the same basketballs for a couple of decades now, and they are balder than my grandpa (and nearly the same age). They aren't even that expensive - look, they're like 20 bucks. Think you could crack open the vault and spring for four of them a summer?

Reason Number Eight: The rest of the facilities.
Just exactly what is Mansion doing with these entrance fees?

The facilities - Mansion or Leopold - haven't been updated or maintained that I've ever been made aware of. Leopold courts are more slanted than the roof on my house. If you shoot from the right corner, the hoop is about 9'5". Shoot from the left, and the hoop is about 10'9". You can literally see the courts slanting by just looking at it; its so blatant even the Mansion refs could notice it. There is no way whoever built this court has two functional eyes; if he did, I think he was wearing only one shoe and his level was broke.

Shooting a free throw out there is like trying to win a prize at a carnival - you are standing on a slant, you have no idea how high the hoop is, the wind is probably gusting around - you might as well get it over with and just move the basket from side to side and give out stuffed elephants every time someone makes one.

The backboards...um, hey guys? You think you could spring for a can of paint and a stencil? Maybe put a square up there? Or are we good with just a huge, plain white plastic backboard that is bouncier than a ping pong table? OK, you're right, that is asking a little much....how 'bout you just make sure the scoreboard is always functional? Just so we know the score and how much time is left? Is there 0:50 left? Or is that 8:58? Somewhere in between? No, those little light bulbs are too expensive?

OK, just thought I'd ask. You can go back to sucking at everything now.

Reason Number Seven: Skip Dry.
Skip is the owner or the founder or something...I don't know exactly what he is, but he's the guy in charge. And that's not a good thing.

Skip..ah, how to say this...Skip has a bit of a Napoleon complex. Skippy thinks he is running a league for 8 year olds with ADHD, and the only possible solution is to just yell as loud as he can at all times. I've honestly never heard the man talk in what would be considered a normal voice. He has no concept of an "inside voice." Every time he opens his mouth, he is screaming. If someone is two feet away, he's screaming at them. If someone is two courts away, he's screaming at them (by the way, anyone else think it a little, ah...odd that Skip doesn't consider distance a factor when he talks? It really makes no difference to Skip of you are right next to him or at the other end of a football field - same level of loudness; I think he has voice immodulation disease. And why would you even try to talk to someone that far away? Are they gonna shout back like a lunatic? Imagine calling him on a phone?)

But Skippy has no rationale or logic. He yells at players. He yells at coaches. He yells at fans. He stops games to make inane points. He stops games to yell at people sitting in the stands. I don't know the full details, but suffice it to say, he's responsible for kicking out probably the greatest player ever to play at Mansion. He truly and firmly believes he's never been wrong about anything. He truly believes people come to Mansion to watch him ref (he's the director and he refs. Makes sense). He truly believes he is some kind of law, and that people should fear him. His presence makes Mansion unbearable. He's domineering, overbearing and miserable to be around, but on the bright side, he's a belligerent egomaniac, so he has that going for him. I genuinely can't think of a single good thing he brings to the table.

Plus, his attitude filters down and permeates itself through the rest of the employees in the league. Which, needless to say, is not good.

Reason Number Six: The "Non-Resident" Fee.
What a ripoff. In the words of Kramer, the "Non-Resident" Fee is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since one-hour martinizing.

Mansion charges every player not a current resident of Altoona an extra five bucks just to play in the league. Like its some grand privilege we'd all gladly pay extra for. Five bucks? Are you sure that's it? Gee, thanks Skip, you're a hell of a guy! Can you explain that to me? Is there a good reason? Some type of insurance thing? Liability? There had better be a damn good explanation as to why someone living in Hollidaysburg has to pay an extra 5 bucks just to play basketball. It just seems like something Mansion would do just to be jerks and annoy the hell out of everyone. I'll bet my non-resident fee Skip is behind this.

(Sidenote: The league's website has this to say: "The non-resident fee is not intended as a penalty, but rather compensation for administering the program." Um...what the hell does that mean? Did that just confuse things further? Isn't the entrance fee "compensation"? What a flippin' joke. Honestly.)

Reason Number Five: The Altoona Mirror.
I understand that during the summer, with schools and colleges out, there isn't a lot of local sports to cover. But still, that's no excuse to cover the Mansion League like it's an actual sporting event. And the way they cover it...well, that's not helping things, either.

Once a week, they run a weekly roundup sort of thing (not to mention putting the champ on the front page of the sports section). So you got morons and jackasses gunning to get their name in the paper, because the Mirror doesn't distinguish between good players (of which there are shockingly few) to people who score a lot of points. Plus, the Mirror runs the scores every morning of the previous nights games. (OK, that I can understand. Run the scores in the agate, so people can check if they want. Fine.) But then they print the high-scorer of each team, too. WHY?!?! Do they have any idea what this does to the league? People jack shots, cry for fouls so they can get to the line, play dirty, take Division III games as serious as Game 7 of the NBA Finals - all to get their name in the paper.

I'm not saying everyone does this, but enough people do it that its annoying and borderline detrimental (and you know who you are). People who still think its high school (except now they are actually playing) play like idiots to get their name in the paper. Not good. Plus - and I have no idea if this is true, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is - it makes Skip think "his league" is more big time than it really is. Its a lose-lose-lose situation. So Altoona Mirror - just run the scores in the agate from now on. Please. So Skip can at least get his head through the entrance gate.

Reason Number Four: The New Divisions.
In previous years - as long as I can remember, anyways - Mansion has had three divisions. I, II and III. Division I had the 18 best teams, Division II the next best, etc. Simple, straight forward, effective. They actually got something right, but it was only a matter of time before they blew it. It was too good to be true. There was a part of their league they hadn't completely botched. This year, the league accepts 61 teams instead of the usual 54. Instead of just expanding each league by 2 or 3 teams (or even just Divisions II and III), they recreate the whole structure.

Now we're stuck with 4 divisions - North, East, South and West. So now its impossible to tell which league is the best, which is the worst, and the two in-between. It might not be that big of a deal, but every time you have a conversation with someone about Mansion, it invariably goes like this:

Me: "So who you playin' for this summer?"
Them: "Oh, I'm playin' with Team X this summer."
Me: "Oh yea? That's cool...what division is that?"
Them: "West."
Me: "Oh." (Translation: I have no idea if that's good, bad or somewhere in between. The conversation immediately dies a slow, awkward death).
Them: "Mhmm." (Translation: This prick thinks he's better than me. Or you know what? He doesn't even care. What a smug jerk. I'm outta here. Asshole.)

So thanks for that, Mansion. I now have less friends because of your idiotic Directional Divisions. By the way, I would love to have seen Skip trying to come up with that: (Screaming to himself) WELL, I MADE FOUR NEW DIVISIONS. NOW I HAVE TO NAME THEM. LET'S SEE, WHAT COMES IN FOURS?!?!? ONE, TWO, THREE AND FOUR? NO, TOO MUCH LIKE THE LAST 92 YEARS. COLORS? NO, I CAN ONLY SEE RED...AMERICAN AND NATIONAL? DAMN, ONLY TWO...MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GOT BACK TO THREE DIVISIONS...HONEY!

And since they came up with divisions, you'd think North would be the best (the top), South would be the worst (the bottom) and East and West would be the two in-between divisions. Simple, right? Wrong. They even screwed that up. Unbelievable.

Reason Number Three: We Get Less Games This Year.
The new Directional Divisions screw Divisions out of games. Division I used to get 17 games per summer. By going to four divisions, we now get 15 games per summer. That's special.

And I may be wrong here, but the entrance fee either remained the same or went up. And if it went down, it didn't go down enough to make up for two games getting chopped off the schedule. What a freaking rip-off.

(If anyone knows the actual prices from this summer and last summer, please let me know and I'll update this section. Thank you.)

This makes me so mad I can't even discuss it rationally. Let's just move on.

Reason Number Two: The Players Themselves.
I touched on this earlier, but the players - due to various reasons, most of which are the result of Mansion itself - create an atmosphere that at times - at times - is almost unbearable.

Not all of the players are like this. In fact, the majority aren't. But there are enough players at Mansion who treat the league like its March Madness and they're playing for George Mason. (If you are reading this, and you play at Mansion, and you just asked yourself "Am I one of those guys?" Guess what? You are. Knock it off.) I have no problems with guys playing hard, going all out, playing to win, etc. Heck, that's the point - compete. But there is a line there, especially in a summer league. You don't need to be screaming at players, either your own or on another team. You don't need to talk trash (if someone else starts it, that's different. But if you initiate trash talk in a summer league...you need to rearrage some priorities there, homie). Just play right. Its hard to explain; either you know how to play right or you don't. But just try.

And then there is the yelling at the refs. Now...let me be straight with you. I have just as big a gripe with the officiating out there as the next guy. I'll be first in line at the Mansion Refs Suck booth. But fellas, let's be reasonable. There's a few things to keep in mind before you bust a blood vessel screaming at a moron who probably doesn't understand what you are saying in the first place:

1. You, yourself, must know the rule you are bitching about. Do you really know the over and back rule? Are you sure that's when you can be in the lane on a free throw? Are you positive you didn't reach there? Do you know the over-the-back call? And dear Lord, please, above all else, make sure you know the qualifications for taking a charge.
2. You, yourself, cannot suck. If you do, don't complain about the reffing. Have fun running up and down the court and looking like you have a pair of broken arms when you shoot. And yes, you just double-dribbled.
3. The older you are, the more pathetic you look when you yell at a ref. If you have more hair on your back than on your head, might wanna take a chill pill.

And that's pretty much it. If you know the rules and don't suck, complain all you want. Otherwise, shut your trap, because you're making yourself look like a jackass. Just letting you know.

Reason Number One: The Refs.
Ah yes, here we are. Finally. The Holy Grail of Unexplainable Things That Make You Want to Jump Off Something Very, Very High and Land on Something Very, Very Hard. The refs at Mansion.

Deep breathes. Pressure points. Woo-sah, woo-sah.

This much is inarguable: the refs at Mansion, without exception, suck. Flat-out. Cannot be argued. What is debatable, however, is why they suck.

Some say its because they don't know all the rules. This is a very valid point. If there was a reffing test, I'd wager heavily they would all fail spectacularly. I would imagine a lot of erasing and broken pencils, all while sweating profusely. I've seen rules called both ways within the same game - top of the backboard is in, now it is out, for example. Block/charge, while a difficult call, is like a Rubik's Cube for these guys. You should see their face when they have to decide between a block or a charge - they look like their son just told them he was gay. Uh...oh boy...what do I do now? Geez...this one wasn't in the manual...I think I'll just smile and do nothing. The no-call is their go-to move. Amazingly, these refs are more than adept at getting both benches to explode over the same call. Its really their specialty. I just try to chant this to myself as I play. Most of the refs know a few of the rules, and a few of the refs know most of all the rules. But none know them all, so be patient. Woo-sah. (Sidenote: it doesn't really help.)

Some say its because they are inconsistent. Another terrific point. At one end, a guy could get fouled so hard that blood is drawn - no exaggeration - and there will be no call. Then at the other end, there will be a ticky-tack call where there was minimal contact and sho' 'nuff, there's the whistle. You really have to see it to believe it. I've actually been in games where guys apologized for fouling me when no foul was called, and I've been in games where I've been whistled for fouls and the player says to me, "Man, you didn't even touch me." That's always fun.

Some say its because they are just jerks. Tough to argue with this point as well. While not all fall into this category, most do. I've played organized basketball at several levels, and never once has a ref gone out of his or her way to intentionally antagonize a player. Welcome to Mansion Park. Refs actually trash talk. Refs actually engage in back-and-forth arguments while games are being played. All it takes is a little eye roll or a comment under your breath, and it's on. They can say whatever they want to you, but if you talk back - bam! Technical, and you're out of the game and have to sit out the next one as well (a rule they instituted solely because the refs are so bad, people would literally get technicals every game if the threat of missing a whole game wasn't looming over their heads). They are little extensions of Skippy, which as we all know, is not a good thing.

Some say the players drive them to it. I can see this, too, and it's a shame. The refs do put up with so much bullshit from morons - in every level - that when someone who actually knows what he is talking about tries to have a discussion, the ref loses his mind. Kinda tough to blame them there, but still...they should know the difference.

Some say its because they feel they are bigger than the actual game being played. Again, I concur. Most of the refs genuinely believe that fans come to watch them blow their whistle. They genuinely believe players pay over 400 bucks just so that when they travel, they can hear, "No, NO, NO, NO - that's a travel. We are going this way." (I wish I knew names of these guys, but I've been trying to block them out of my mind for so long, I can't remember them. Man Boobs and the Old Guy are the worst, though)

Personally? I wish they would just admit when they are wrong. They have convinced themselves that they are infallible. If they called it, well, it must be true. Hey, I blew my whistle! You heard it, didn't you? Then it is THE TRUTH. Don't even argue, or I will call the thunder and the lightning from the sky to strike you where you stand. For I have a whistle and a "Ref" t-shirt, and you will obey me, peasant. Listen, we know you aren't perfect. We understand. We want to like you. So just be personable, admit you messed up every once and a while, and we'll be cool. Is that too much to ask?

With all that, why do I play? Well, its the only league in town. If you want to play - and apparently, quite a few do - this is where you have to play. Which is why monopolies are outlawed. Skip knows this and can run the league like a prison warden. So I have to play there. But I don't have to like it.

When I strike it rich, please believe the first (ok, not first, but top ten) thing I'll do is open up a league to compete with Mansion. Mansion will close within 3 summers, maybe 2. Honestly, how hard could it be? Once you have the courts, all you need to do is buy balls every summer and get some decent refs (What're those PIAA guys doing in the summer? Exactly.) And hey, if someone wants to do this before me, buy all means, go right ahead. Just do everything exactly the opposite as Mansion and Skip, and you'll be golden.

Best of luck to you.

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If Ty Thomas Could Dribble, Shoot and/or Pass, He'd be Good. But He Can't, So He Isn't.

Two things are currently driving me nuts: The Lake House and Tyrus Thomas. What do they have in common? Well, they are the protagonists for possibly the two dumbest premises of the summer.

First, The Lake House. This is the Keanu Reeves/Sandra Bullock flick where the two - despite living two years apart and being able to communicate only through a magical mailbox - fall in love and live happily ever after. Ah...why the hell do they only communicate through the mailbox? Why doesn't Keanu just write, "Hey...um...you know what? Today's my birthday...I remember I was at TGI Friday's two years ago today...why don't you stop by...I'll be wearing a red sweater and a woodpecker will be drilling into my head, since it's made of wood and all. Why don't you introduce yourself?" Case closed! This movie should be over in 15 minutes. Instead, you get to watch two hours of shoving scarves through a mailbox - "I remember it was chilly today two years ago!" - and planting trees that suddenly grow really tall really fast. Stupidest (movie) premise ever.

An even stupider premise? Ty Thomas could possibly go number one in the NBA Draft.

Oh...My...God.

Do NBA GMs pay attention at all (could I possibly use more italics?). I mean, name an NBA team who currently doesn't have a Ty Thomas on its bench? Does any team really need another 6'8", athletic freak-of-nature who can smack his belly button off the rim but couldn't knock down a jumper to save his life and would need 10 chances to dribble through a row of folding chairs? His most flattering compliment has been, "He's Stromile Swift with an upside." Has there ever been a more blatant back-handed compliment?

Honestly, what discernible skill does he have, sans dunking?

He can't shoot; not even close. During his highlight package after he is selected, it will be all dunks and one (read this closely, and remember it: ONE) jumper - a 15 footer from the right wing/baseline against Duke. You know why it will be that one? Because it was the only shot he made the entire tournament - when his stock exploded - outside of the paint. I'm telling you - watch for it.

He can't dribble. When he got out on the break, he looked ridiculous dribbling the basketball. He looked like a 5-year-old playing Wack-a-Mole at Chuck E. Cheeses - just randomly flailing his arms about, hoping to God he hit something. Being unable to dribble was also unfortunate because once he picked it up, he couldn't pass, either.

He is great at two things - blocking/altering shots and finishing around the rim. Give him credit, around the bucket, at both ends, he's legit. But how the hell is he going to get there in the NBA? Beat someone off the dribble? That's laughable. Plus, no one will even come out to guard him - I'd let him jack 12-foot J's all night. He's going to have to rely on catching lobs and getting offensive rebounds...does that sound like someone who should be the first pick in the draft? No, it sounds like a role player, an exciting guy who comes off the bench and can spark runs with energy and electric plays. Sure, he could be helpful, but he isn't a franchise guy. A franchise guy can dribble, shoot and pass - at the very least.

He should be drafted, but not first overall. And not in the lottery. Maybe with some work and time and luck, he could be good. But he isn't a franchise player. He is smart though - he knows his stock will never be higher, so he came out now.

(Side note: Don't GMs consider this?

First GM: "Hey, Bob, you know, I was thinkin' a little - dangerous stuff, I know, I know! - but this Thomas kid...you know he's coming out now because there is a very real possibility he could go back to school for another year and be so-so? Well, I was thinking, if he's coming out now to avoid not being good in college, aren't the odds pretty good he will be not very good in the pros, too? I mean, there are better players and stuff...Plus, we're paid to know who's good in college...we never even heard of him before the tournament started...I dunno, I just have an uneasy feeling...."

Second GM: "Best not to think like that, Jim. Didn't you see the two weeks he had in the NCAA tournament? If you can't trust a two-week stretch that's predicated largely on momentum and barely on consistency, what can you trust? No, no, don't think like that...it's really not safe...I mean, everyone else thinks he's good, ya know? Better just go along with the crowd...")

It just amazes me that this kid is going to be drafted in the top three based solely on athletic ability and potential. Am I really the only one who sees this? Me and my younger brother are the only two people who get this, I think. Everyone else is just sold on him, like he's this can't-miss prospect. He can't dribble, pass or shoot. That has to count for something, right?

But, hey, it doesn't matter, I'm not the one pulling the strings on draft night. Charlotte picks at No. 3, though - maybe Jordan can draft himself another Kwame Brown. That worked out beautifully last time.

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Soccer is dead. Too bad.

So the US - fielding its alleged "best team ever" - lost to Ghana, 2-1. I actually got up and watched it. Now I wish I would have slept in. What a complete dissapointment.

Now, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about soccer, but you can just tell the US doesn't play it right. I'm sitting here watching the Brazilians play - now this is how you play soccer. They get a shot on goal about every four minutes. They pass the ball a ton. They find each other all over the field. They move with a purpose. I realize the US doesn't have the talent of a Brazil - well, no one does - but still. They should at least try to play like them.

Even if the US played like this, they wouldn't have the success of the Brazilians. But its the right way to do it, I think (even though I don't know what I'm talking about). Like when yuo learn how to type....maybe in the beginning, yuo get better results by just hunting and pecking, but in the long-term, its better to do it the right way. The US is still hunting and pecking, and Brazil is flying along at 120 wpm.

I don't know any technical stuff, but it seems to me the more you pass, the better your offense is. The more goals you score. Most of the goals I've seen in the World Cup are either off free/penalty kicks or off a series of nice passes. Seems to me the successful teams are the best passers.

The US does none of that. Their typical offensive "set" - if thats what you call it - goes something like this (or at least this is what it looks like to someone who doesn't know to much about futbol): Kasey Keller takes the ball out of the back of the net and sets it down on the ground. He then motions to four or five of his teammates, apparently positioning them for a long pass, and then proceeds to boot the ball the length of the field to no one in particular. Hopefully, someone from the opposing team knocks it out of bounds, and the US gets a throw-in. That really seems to be our best bet. If that somehow happens, we throw it in, screw around with the ball for as long as we can, play it back, play it back, play it back...and then find a way to get it to the other team as quickly as possibly. Rarely we'll get a shot off - if we do, it generally sails fifteen to twenty feet over the goal (honestly, if the goal was 30 feet high, the US would have destroyed Ghana. Like 7-2) . Then we play defense.

And that really doesn't work. Just once I would have liked to have seen Keller pass the ball to a teammate and see the US try to work the ball up the field and try to put together an offensive set. Jacking it down the field - essentially hitting and hoping - doesn't work. It resulted in exactly zero goals this World Cup (our lone goal came off a silly turnover). Italy scored as many US goals as the Americans.

Still, US soccer is still growing. They are recognized as someone to take seriously. They are still relatively "young" in terms of national-level experience. The fact that an early exit in a very tough group is seen as a huge dissapointment means alot. The sad part is that this performance has probably extinguished any budding interest in soccer among Americans. I'm not saying it was exploding, but this has to be the most hyped and most covered the event has ever been in the US - mostly because the US was expected to do well. Now soccer interest is on life support.

Soccer is hard to get into. The US implosion in Germany doesn't help, but there are a ton of other reasons why Americans don't get into it. Here's some of them:

1. Soccer players are the biggest pansies in the world. Honestly, outside of syncronized swimming and and ribbon twirling, is there a softer bunch of "athletes" in the world? During the US-Ghana match, the stretch was brough out at least four times. Four! Have you ever seen a sporting event, outside of the beautiful game, where the stretcher was brought out twice? And the shameful thing is, every time some one was stretchered off, he was back in within 5 minutes every time. Incredible.

2. Soccer players are rewarded for being pansies and fakers. They are probably stretched off every 15 minutes because they get rewarded for being wusses. The more you fake, the better off you are. How easy is it to trick a soccer ref? Do they have any what it takes to knock some one over? I mean, any idea? I wish they would have had a soccer ref as a high school teacher. You could cheat your ass off and then blame the kid you were cheating off; you'd get an A and the smart kid would get suspended.

And the grimaces these players make when they take a dive...c'mon, man. Have a little respect. They go down like they were just shot in the calf. Screaming and grabbing...its so embaressing, isn't it? Do they have any pride? I guess its just a different mindset thean the US (at least the Americans don't do that...although when Reyna gift-wrapped that first goal for Ghana, I'm not entirely sure he was that hurt). Probably why Vlade and Manu are the two biggest floppers off all-time...I really would like to see coaches at foreigh practices...do they have flop sessions? This drives me nuts. I half expect someone to go down, writhing in pain, during the pregame handshake. Embarressing.

3. Stoppage time. Possibly the dumbest rule in sport. Has there ever been a remotely believable explanation as to why no one can really know when the game is over? Imagine this in other sports..."Three, two, one - and that's it! The Heat are your 2006 NBA Champs! No...wait...There's seven more seconds....Dirk grabs the ball Wade just chucked in the air, feeds Harris under the rim...MAVS WIN! THERE WILL BE A GAME SEVEN!!" Or..."And that wraps it up, ladies and gents, the White Sox win their first world series in 80 some years...no, I'm sorry, the ref awards the Astros 4 more outs....sorry, Chicago, you'll have to wait a little longer for that championship..." It's ridiculous. Its a rule a king or a dictator would make; it makes no sense, but I say so, and we've been doing it for so long, we're not going to stop now. Why can't the clock stop on substitutions and penalties? Let everyone see? Would that really be so hard?

4. Being a "good sport." Here's the situation. Franco takes the ball from Bobino and is about to head up field when he hears Franco screaming in pain a few yards behind him. Being a "good sport," Bobino kicks it out of bounds. Once Franco either recovers or is taken off the field, Franco's team will kick it back to Bobino's. But any advantage Bobino may have gained after the steal in nullified. Because Franco got "hurt."

Seems thoughtful, but its bullshit. 100% BS. First of all, Franco is never hurt. Soccer players are notorious fakers, pansies, wusses, exagerators, cheaters...its rarely genuine. So one team makes a great, clean play, the other fakes an injury, and the guy that makes the great play gets screwed. Well, sportsmanship should apply both ways, no? If one guy is going to be a good sport and kick it out of bounds, shouldn't the guy who is "hurt" be genuine? Just something to think about.

5. Offsides. I know this is like tantamount to sacrelige, but I just don't get it. Why can't I sneak behind a defender? Why? Is it to make the goals more beautiful? I'm being serious here. I don't even want this rule necessarily obliteratied, I just want it explained to me. Since there is offsides, mos goals, at least to me, come off free/penalty kicks and or headers after long crosses (and about 89 failed attempts). Wouldn't there be some prettier, more beautiful goals if you could go any where you wanted?

(The only good thing about offsides? With scores always bein 1-0 or 2-1, no sport gives you more "Oh...Oh...OOOHHH!" moments than soccer. Not even close. So that's fun. Maybe 7-5 games would ruin the sport...but I don't think so. Would it?)

Don't bash me for not getting it, just explain why the rule exists. And change the other four. And figure out who Kasey Keller is pointing at. That's all I'm asking.

Oh, and some other random things....how soccer players always clap to the stands even after a 3-0 beatdown, that a game can actually be decided on penalty kicks (hey, lets end baseball games with a HR derby or basketball games with a dunk contest...fun to see, not a good way to decide who has a better team) and that two yellow cards gets you suspended for the next game. Seems a little steep, no? OK, I think that's all for now.

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Tainted Game 5

I can't recall a game in recent memory that seems to be as tainted as last night's Game 5 (which is a shame, because it somehow has eclipsed Dwyane Wade turning into...well, something really, really good.) You have Stack's questionable suspension heading into the game, then tack on the alleged phantom foul on Dirk allowing Wade to sink the game winning free throws, plus Josh Howard calling the worst time out since Chris Webber. And what about Cubes shooting David Stern death stares? Or Nowitzki's mini-tantrum heading back to the locker room.

That's alotta freakin' stuff. There's been tainted games before, but this is like a handful of reasons. All we needed was a Russian judge awarding the Mavs a second chance at the game winner. So let's get to the bottom of it.

First of all, Dirk's "foul." Clearly, after the replay, there wasn't a foul there. But in the ref's defense, the first time you see that play, it really looks like a foul. Dirk swings his arm down at Wade, plus he was driving wildly through basically the entire team...all signs point to a foul. When refs are taught how to calls fouls, they are taught to look for the arm swinging down. That gets called all the time. If you wanna get called for a foul, swing your arm down like that. Unless you come away cleanly with the ball, you're getting rung up. That's just the way it works.

The most egregious part of the whole thing is ESPN's analysts after the game. Every single one of them was dead wrong. They went right down the line - Legler, Anthony and Pippen, all three of them - and said Wade "earned" that call by going to the basket hard all game. How stupid is that? I'll tell you how stupid: they made Stu Scott look like the smartest guy at the table.

You don't "earn" a call by previous actions. Its impossible, and that logic is infuriating. Either it was a foul or not. The refs didn't "get into a rhythm" of calling fouls. Previous outside circumstances are irrelevant.

Number 3 got that call for two reasons, and two reasons only. Dirk swung his arm down and it says "WADE" above that 3 on the back of his jersey. If Antione Walker had been relentlessly attacking the basket all night, he wouldn't have gotten that call. There's a short list of players who get that call, and Wade is either at or near the top of it. Case closed.

So the Mavs didn't get screwed there...but they did get screwed when the refs awarded them tht timeout. Clearly, the Mavs didn't want it. That was obvious from the get-go. Here's what the refs said after the game, via a "statement:"

"Josh Howard goes to Joe DeRosa and not only once but twice asks for a timeout. Forced to call it. Simple as that."

Um...that never happened. Howard never talked to anyone, espcailly not a ref. All he did was make the time out sign towards his coach. The refs blew it, and they lied to cover it up. Classy.

And say he did ask for it. Why could't he just change his mind? How about when a guy dives out-of-bounds to save a ball, calls a timeout, but the ref says he was out before he called it. That guy is never forced to then take that timeout. And that happens like once a game. So maybe in the biggest game of the entire flippin' series, the refs could have used a little common sense. Apparently the ESPN crew wasn't using theirs, they probably could have borrowed it.

As for Cuban...that was a little much, no? Don't get me wrong, I like Cuban...but he seems to be kind of a dork to me. He just doesn't quite get it. Tough to put into words...I dunno. That was just a little lame. Like a little kid who didn't get his way, so he pouted. Go write a blog. Go buy another team. But really Mark...don't stare at someone. Man, that was sad (but not as sad as Dirk's tantrum...I mean, Germans can get angrier than that right?)

Regardless, due to the NBA's inane 2-3-2 Finals format, the Heat are up 3-2 in a series where the only thing that matters is home court. The series ends in Dallas.

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Thoughts on the Little General

I'm just thinking outloud here. Just a thought. I'm not sure if this is right or not, but I'm saying it anyways. Here goes.

Avery Johnson is a heck of a coach. Goes without saying (but I'm going to say it anyways). He inspires and motivates his players to play at a level they weren't playing at before he took over. In my limited knowledge of NBA X's and O's, he seems to run good sets for his players and puts them in positions to be successful (iso's for Dirk on the elbow, single/double choices for Jason Terry along the baseline, top of the key drive opportunities for Devin Harris, etc.). And his ability to lead is maybe (probably) his most compelling trait.

In every series he has coached this postseason, he has been lauded for "outcoaching" his counterpart down the sideline. He makes personnel moves the other coaches either don't see coming or can't handle.

Now, I'll give credit where credit is due, but...might we be heaping just a bit too much on Avery? He's coaching far and away the deepest team in the league (10 deep?!). He makes moves other coaches can't handle simply because they don't have the personnel to do so. What coach wouldn't kill for the flexibility Avery has at his fingertips? The ability to go small or big, play up-tempo or half-court or anywhere in between. Whatever the opponent calls for, he has an answer ready to go.

Of course, the ability to come up with those answers is commendable, and is something probably only a handful of coaches could do with the consistancy and success Avery has done it with. It's kinda like a multiple choice test; Avery has the answer to any situation staring him in the face, he just has to be smart enough to pick it. And Avery is smart enough. No denying that.

It just seems like if Don Nelson tried to get them to play any defense, the Mavs could have been doing this a little while ago. That might be unfair - Dirk certainly isn't the player he is now, and Devin Harris has exploded in Howard has gotten better...Does that make Nelson stupid or Avery smart? Probbaly both. God I wish I had a point here.

All I'm saying is, as good as of a job as Avery is doing, maybe it isn't the most difficult task in the world. Then again, maybe it is (after all, if Don Nelson can't do it, who can?). I dunno. Jus sayin'.

(I think I'm just curious exactly how good of a motivator Avery is. What if he was coaching, say, the Wizards or the Lakers. If he was forced to play a certain style with a limited roster, could he do it? Probably, but I don't think we'll know for a while since the Mavs are more stacked than Pamela Anderson (Yes! A boob joke! Tee-hee.) for the foreseeable future. Stack is getting up in years, but the core - Dirk, Terry, Howard, Harris - are all good to go for a while. Good times for Mavs fans.)

I started writing this and I wasn't exactly sure what my point was gonna be, and now I'm done and I have even less of an idea. Avery Johnson would do good on the SATs was my point, I think.

Good one, me. Moron.

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Flash Catchin' a Little Air...

Wow. Positively Jordanesque.

(And by the way, this series is over.)

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Skip Bayless, I Am Not

I was thinking about the "You're not invited to my party" list, and it got me thinking. That's pretty negative, ya know?

I mean, it's a good idea, I'm pretty sure, because anytime you watch a sporting event you are invariably yelling at the TV because some idiot can't catch a pass or some announcer is babbling incoherently about something that had nothing to do with anything or is so biased you can't even watch a game in peace (cough, cough..Vitale!..cough, cough).

The last thing I want to turn into is Skip Bayless, who couldn't find the good in the second coming of Christ, let alone Tom Brady's clutch play or LeBron's glorious debut. "Honestly? All that bright light? Got in my eyes, and I think I have a mild sunburn. And the angels playing harps? So last millenium. Get with it, JC. We're going to stay positive - for the most part...or at least make an effort - around here at Point 23.

Thus, I give you "The Cool Lunch Table," the exact opposite of the hit list that is "You're Not Invited to My Party." Here's where the coolest, funniest, most clutch, admirable figures of the sporting world all hang out.

So send in your submissions, and I'll take care of the rest. Good times, good times.

And dear God, keep the Skip Bayless comparisons as far away from here as possible.

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The Big Bang Theory

Much has been said lately about the Suns and Mavs changing the face of basketball. And you know what? It's about flippin' time.

I always wondered what would happen if 5 guards took on 5 centers. The guards would be able to get the ball up the court easily, but I don't think they'd be shooting too many layups. They'd have to win shooting jumpers. The big guys, though...how would they handle the guard's press? Who knows - just throw over the top of the press, perhaps? - but once they did get it into the frontcourt, it would be a layup drill. Still, thats easier said that done. I could never make up my mind who would win.

Well, I think the Mavs and Suns have answered that question. They have made the big man basically irrelevant - to an extent. Their systems and philosophy force the most skilled players onto the floor. If DeSegena Diop and Nazr Mohammed are dinosuars, Steve Nash and Devin Harris are the asteroid that wiped their tall, unskilled butts off the face off the earth - poof - in a single, blinding flash. They were just sitting there, being big and unskilled, and then all of the sudden, they're irrelevant. Poor guys.

This new style of play has been seen as something revolutionary and inventive, which may be true, but it is actually the purest form of basketball. For all the Pistons' success and every coach's harpings that defense is what wins games, basketball is essentially an offensive game. You win by scoring more points. And this "new" style of play forces the best players onto the court; the importance of size is diminished. Skill - reardless of who has it - is what matters. The best players play. No specialists; no one out there just because they are tall. And that's basketball at its purest.

Finally.

But back to the Suns and Mavs making "the big man" irrelevant. That couldn't be further from the truth; they have done no such thing. If that were true, Tim Duncan would have been chillin' with Nazr and Rasho for the entire Mavs series, and Dirk Nowitzki - all seven feet of him - would not have the Mavs out to a 2-1 lead against the Suns.

What the Suns and Mavs have done, however, is eliminated the unskilled big man. And that's a huge distinction. Nazr and Rasho and Diop and anyone like them are on the court for two reasons: 1) guard the other team's big man and 2) rebound. Well, when the other team doesn't play any big men, suddenly those big guys are standing around with nothing to do. Not good. They end up guarding small forward-types, which is obviously a nightmare at both ends. Plus, they aren't great rebounders. Serviceable at best, I'd say. Throw in the fact that the Suns and Mavs shoot either layups or threes most of the time, and that means the rebounds are either non-existant (layups) or long (off threes), where centers aren't handling them anyways.

That said, those big men could still be getting some burn. They are riding pine because they can't keep up defensively, plus they can't score, either. So whats their value? None, that's what. But if Rasho and Nazr - or Diop, for that matter - could play offense, their minutes wouldn't have changed. Duncan and Nowitzki, who can actually score - let alone catch a basketball - stay on the court. Why? Because they are good. They are skilled. They can score. Hence, they stay on the court. Their value isn't diminished just because they will struggle on the defensive end.

If the Heat end up playing in the Finals against either the Suns or the Mavs, Shaq's minutes will only be slightly decreased. He's such a good scorer and rebounder (honestly, have you seen him against the Pistons? The Big Fella is lookin' nimble!) that his defensive shortcomings are worth it. His skill offensively more than makes up for his shortcomings at one end of the court. Same with Ben Wallace. Even though he can't score, his rebounding and hustle make him too valuable to sit on the bench (plus he's quick enough to guard a small forward without too much dropoff, so maybe he's a bad example). The point is, Shaq, Duncan and Nowitzki all create matchup hell when other teams try to go small. Rasho, Diop and Mohemmed, Inc. don't. Skill rules. Basketball at its purest.

Alleluiah.

Honestly, Diop scored 192 points the entire season. He's not a good basketball player. He's just big. Why should he be on the court? The newest iteration of basketball, sans the quickly-becoming-extinct Hugus Bigguyus, is phenomonal for the sport. Pair it with the new Golden Age the NBA is teetering in the brink of, and I for one couldn't be more excited.

And that question the Mavs and Suns answered, who would win 5-on-5, guards or big men? The answer is obvious now, isn't it? Obviously, its whoever is more skilled. Regardless of size. And isn't that how basketball should be played?

(Nod your head yes.)

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Is Quoteable a Word?

Much like the previous post, I'd like to get a list of sports related quotes together.

Any suggestions or quotes, leave it in the comments section and it'll make its way to the official list.

Prize to whoever posts the Allen Iverson "we talkin' bout practice!" quote first.*

*All prizes are fake

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The "You're Not Invited to My Party" List

There are, for a plethora of reasons, athletes - or just people associated with sports - who get under your skin.

You know exactly who I'm talking about; I'm sure four or five people immediately popped into your head. They can be obnoxious, brash, too loud, too quiet, over-the-top cocky or under-the-radar unassuming. They can be perennial choke artists or continually come through in the clutch with the minor drawback that they play for your archrival. They can run run thier mouths, saying (or writing) some of the dumbest, thoughtless, most idiotic things you've ever heard. Or they can say nothing at all. Maybe they do nothing at all and you just can't stand them. For whatever reason, they get under your skin, but you can't put your finger on the reason why.

That's what this list is for. All these people need to be rounded up, grouped together and exposed for what they really are - annoying pests who drive you crazy for a million reasons - or none at all.

Some are no-brainers that immediatley jump to mind. These are the people who can barely be defended by thier hometown crowds: Barry Bonds, Terrell Owens, Jay Mariotti, anyone associated with Duke University, the immortal Paul Maguire. But there are other, less obvious ones. Chris Paul, for example is on my eternal shitlist for punching Julius Hodge in the balls from the blindside (he was the original Reggie Evans/Jason Terry).

Now that's not to say your mind can't be swayed. Maybe through years of rehabilition, Shawshank-style, this person can redeem themselves. But to get on this list, the possibility of that happening has to be between non-existant and slim.

So who's on your list, people? If you were throwing a party, who shouldn't be lookin' for their invite in the mail?

Let's hear 'em. Give a good reason and I'll add 'em to The List.

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Expanding ideas on expansion.

Lamar Hunt tabled his proposal to expand the NFL playoffs to seven teams before it had a chance to go before the competition committee. Too bad. I was looking forward to seeing the record broken for Fastest Proposal Ever Shot Down.

Doesn't this idea cost him credibility among his fellow owners? Do they take him seriously now? To make an analogy that is no where near accurate...if in your fantasy football league, you were offered a ridiculous trade, after accepting said trade, doesn't That Guy who offered you the trade just get bombarded with trade offers? Because everyone knows he's a moron who will do pretty much anything as long as you ask nicely. I think this is now Lamar Hunt in the NFL.

Here's Lamar's reasoning:

“That’s been the argument in the past by those who were opposed to it, that it cheapened the playoffs. I think it actually makes it more interesting. The Steelers were a Cinderella story this year, and there are other Cinderella stories waiting to happen. Plus, we miss the playoffs by like a game every year, and we probably will for the foreseeable future, and well, that really sucks.”

Well, yea, Lamar, it makes it more interesting. But a playoff including every single team would also be more interesting. Interesting is not a good selling point. Fair is. (And that last sentence of Lamar's may have been made up.)

Why does everyone want to expand? Lamar barely misses the playoffs - expand 'em. Boehiem gets into the NCAA Tourney by the skin of his teeth - expand 'em. LA doesn't have a football team and wants to add two to the NFL - expand, expand, expand.

Everyone of those ideas are atrocious for blatantly obvious reasons (not the least of which is that Ahnold is behind one of them). Just leave everything as it is. Please. I'm begging you.

The NFL playoffs are beautiful, OK? No sport has higher ratings - its working. Just chill, Lamar, and get a decent defense and some wide receivers. The reason there are “Cinderella stories” are because the NFL playoffs include only the best. You have to be damn good to get in. Hence, an “upset” or two. And just because a 10-6 team got left out this year doesn’t guarantee it will in the future. What if that 7 seed is 8-8? That’s no good.

March Madness is beautiful, just beautiful. Ask anyone what the greatest weekend in sports is, and if you get one response other than "March Madness," you asked a moron. Boehiem wants 5 or 6 more teams - how the hell would that work? Who would get those seeds, the winners from the smallest conferences, or the 7th place teams from the SEC and the Big East? It doesn't even matter; it would ruin that gorgeous opening weekend - plus the brackets! Oliver Purnell wants to double the field! I don't know if I'm against this idea because he has the same name as my cat (really, he does) or because its makes about as much sense as Mays fans booing Michael Finley.

And two teams in L.A.....no, you moron, just no. If a team wants to move there, fine, but we aren't adding anymore teams. The divisions are perfect now - four divisions per conference with four teams apiece. Ideal. Don't touch it.

Everyone just chill out. Everything is fine. And Lamar...I'll trade you Shaun Alexander for Samie Parker and Craphonso Thorpe. Deal?

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Reggie Bush, Quarterback

Why can't Reggie Bush wear number 5? Is there a good reason not to let him? Besides the fact that its currently a rule, I can't think of a single good reason.

Rich McKay, the co-chair of the compeition committee, had a few reasons, none of them worthwhile:

"No. 1, no one's comfortable with their making an exception to the policy, because the exceptions just create a problem for every team."

Um...what problems? What cosmic problems would immediately arise that no NFL team could possibly remedy in time for the regular season if players were suddenly allowed to wear whatever number they wanted? Is there some unforeseen disaster that "every team" would somehow be unable to cope with? I really can't think of one, unless there is an overwhelming desire by entire rosters to change their numbers, and the teams don't want to order new jerseys and even that doesn’t make sense.

What else ya got, Rich?

"No. 2, we're not comfortable recommending any change at this time, because to have something adopted at this time, meaning at this meeting, you would have the difference between the way a rookie's being treated and the way a veteran's being treated, because there's so much in the pipeline with respect to jerseys that there is no way a veteran would be in the position to change his jersey number."

Oh, so its because he's a rookie. I see. A little mess with the rook, eh? Well how about if he sings for his supper a couple times and then you duct tape him to the field goal post? Will that do the trick? Maybe a few cream pies to the face?

And if it is such a problem that veterans can't change their numbers, there is a simple solution laying around. Let them. Change the rule.

Let NFL players wear whatever number they want. This is such a stupid rule to even be debating (which is exactly why I'm debating it).

The main reason, I suppose, that its needed is to recognize players by positions. But just because you wear a certain number doesn't mean you can't play a certain position. Antawn Randle El wore 82 for the Steelers; I don't recall the refs being baffled when trying to assess him with a penalty. "Who...who is this on? 82? No...he...I don't get it...he's 82 but he tried to throw it? Wha..what do we do?" (I do recall, however, how baffled they - and pretty much everyone else - were when he threw that lateral for no good reason. And how he always spins around after he caught a punt. But thats it.)

I mean, he was allowed to throw passes right? When he lined up under center, I don't recall the ref blowing the whistle and reigning down yellow flags all over the place. Whoa, whoa, whoa there pal. Just what do you think you are doing? You see that 82 on your back? Don't give me that dumb look...just get out there with the rest of the your kind...ah-ah-ah! I don't want to hear another word! Now...can we get someone wearing 1-19 back here please?

So why doesn't Bush just wear No. 5 and have the Saints list him as a quarterback? Apparently, it doesn't matter what you are listed at, you can play wherever you want. I'm sure it would piss the NFL off, but you know what? They have rules about socks, so they can relax a little bit.

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Game Sixes Letdown.

Oh boy. Deep breathes. Woo-sah, woo-sah.

Six hours ago, the conference finals had a pretty good chance to look like this:

Western Conference: Mavs vs. Clippers/Suns

Eastern Conference: Cavs vs. Heat.

That's a fun, enjoyable week of basketball right there. But after two less than desirable outcomes tonight, the overwhelming odds favor the Pistons and the Spurs advancing. This...this just isn't good. Damnit. Excuse me, I'm going to slam a tire iron to my shins. I'll be right back.

Now, this can still happen. I can still get those dream matchups. But I'm not getting my hopes up...not that they were up in the first place. That final four was going to be unreal to watch. I feel like a kid standing at the top of the waterslide, all excited to go down, and then someone pantsed me and kicked me face first down slide without my little blue rubber thing. Something was supposed to be really fun, and then suddenly, it is not. Damnit.

Man...D-Wade battling LeBron in the East; the Mavs and Suns playing small ball or the Mavs running against the freakin' Clippers! Suns/Clips is really a toss up, both would be fun to watch. And the Heat are already in. But everything needs to be done to keep the Pistons and the Spurs out of the conference finals.

Repeat: everything needs to be done to keep them out. I can't watch another series of the Pistons' smugness or the Pistons whining and flopping. I just can't. And I don't care if they are probably the two best teams in the L; they aren't fun to watch. Actually, they are decidedly unfun to watch. And if both Detroit and SA advance, that probably means they will meet in the Finals...and then blood will pour out of my eyes and ears as I figure out the most excruciating way to end my own life.

If they advance, get ready for another month of:

The Spurs whining. Some of the Spurs favorites:
- Tim Duncan standing there with his arms wrapped around the ball, basically hugging the ball in disbelief. "Can you believe that call, ball? Me either, buddy, me either. Awwe."
- Manu Ginobili with more flops than a Texas hold 'em tourney. He looks worse than this jackass.
- Bruce Bowen holding his hands up. "Look, ref, you can see my hands, how can that be a foul?" Because, you dirty SOB, you jacked him with the body 46 times. And because you're dirty. Did I mention how dirty you are? Go stick your feet under another jump shooter, you dirty, dirty person.
- Michael Finley running away from calls in disbelief. He's annoying, and I'm pretty sure he looks like Mickey Mouse.

Also, you can look forward to the Pistons being incredibly smug and condescending:
- Rasheed Wallace saying outlandish, stupid things that don't do anything but annoy you. But even more annoying is the rest of his team backing him up. "That's just Sheed bein' Sheed, homie." Shut up.
- Chauncey Billups making smug comments while eating carrot sticks out of the reporters hands. Reporters: make sure you keep your hand flat and still - you don't want to lose a finger.
- Flip Saunders. Aaaah.

So really, if the NBA cares about me at all, they will make Joey Crawford ref both games and get me a favorable outcome. Because the world revolves around me.

How badly do I want to see Dwyane Wade go against LeBron James? Badly enough that I'm asking myself questions about it and then answering myself. Can you imagine the shoot out that would be? The Cavs perimeter defense is awful...but the Heats is worse! Neither team has a player than can even remotely slow down the opposing team's superstar...James Posey and Flip Murray will be about as useful as a handful of quarters at a strip club. This should be the first of many, many Eastern conference showdowns between the two greatest players from the '03 draft.

And in the West? Suns are fun as hell to watch. But how cool would it be to see the Clippers play in the conference finals? Plus, you get to watch Shaun Livingston. Its a win/win. No one will hate you either way for cheering for one team or the other. But the Mavs? C'mon man...would anyone outside of that "ugly ass river walk" want to watch the Spurs style of play over the Mavs? I don't know any.

So here's what we have to do. Teach the Cavs how to box out (I can't even begin to go into how painful that was to watch. Just excruciating.) Then we have to show the Mavs how to extend the game and take the layup with 15 seconds left. And everything will be fine. Please let everything be fine. Please.

And if they aren't? Well...damnit.

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Stu Jackson, Meet Common Sense.

Stu Jackson is an idiot.

After Jason Terry got a suspension for giving Michael Finley a beeper (you know, little love tap to the cookies), I have no idea what the baseline is for getting suspended for a game. What does Stu use for criteria?

God, Stuart is an idiot. Let's compare Jason Terry vs. Reggie Evans, shall we? Reggie tries to rip off someone's manhood and gets a fine. Terry barely grazes Finley's jewels and misses maybe the biggest game in Mavs history. I mean, for all intents and purposes, this is the Western Conference Finals. Whoever wins this series will be the heavy favorite to go to the Finals, and probably win it all. Its that important. And little Stuey thinks its a clever idea to suspend the Mavs second-best player for something that probably wouldn't even make you that mad if it happened in a bar. It would be an "alright, man, you made your point" moment. You aren't getting kicked out, and a fight certainly isn't breaking out.

Can we use a little common sense here? Yea, there's a rule that says if you throw a punch, you get a game. But that really wasn't a punch. Just because your fist is closed, that isn't a punch. If you showed that tape to 100 people, how many people would characterize that as a punch? One, maybe (and that's if you polled Stuart).

The Jason Terry fiasco, to me, is a microcosm of the NBA's refereeing (is that how you spell that? I have no idea) and discipline issues. The NBA is horribly, awfully, painfully inconsistent.

First, the refs: atrocious. Plain and simple. I'm not well-educated enough on the topic to know whether its the NBA's influence or just something the refs decided to do, but the ticky-tack fouls have to be at an all-time high. If you drive and jump into your defender - in other words, if the offensive player creates the contact - you'll get two shots. How are you supposed to play any defense?

And when the offensive player pump fakes and gets his defender in the air, all he has to do is launch himself into the airborne defender, regardless of where that defender is, and he'll get the foul call. If the defender jumps in the air and runs into you, fine. But should the offensive player be allowed to go out of his way to create contact and then be rewarded for it?

(Not to go off topic here...but I'm currently watching the Spurs/Mavs game...and Snapper Jones is an idiot, maybe on par with lil Stuey. He is the Paul McGuire of NBA broadcasts. His latest gem: "Everyone is talking about small ball...but its not just small ball, you have to have skill, too." Oh, really Snapper? You don't say? Five Vern Troyer's couldn't beat the Spurs? Hmmm, point well taken. I never thought of it like that. Excellent insight. I hate you.)

And the reffing of Shaq is an issue completely unto itself. Jason Collins is on the all flop team with Ginobili, Rip Hamilton, and everyone who played in the Arsenal/Barcelona game. Can the refs really not tell the difference? I never thought I'd feel bad for someone of Shaq's stature, but its borderline unfair.

Now, I understand the NBA wants higher scoring. But high point totals aren't exciting; the way the points are scored is. When Player A scores 24 points on 18 free throws and a pair of threes, that isn't exciting. A parade to the free throw line is not exciting. If offensive players are going to be allowed to use their off arm to guide their way to the basket, should they also get the call for creating contact, too? Why don't we just give them a lance and a shield, too? Perhaps a club? Maybe all defenders should have to wear roller skates.

The foul call situation, even though it is a serious issue, is nothing compared to the suspensions the NBA is doling out. Inconsistent is being generous.

Remember when Kobe elbowed Mike Miller in the regular season? He got two games for that. Had that happened in the playoffs, he would have only gotten a game. That's a fact. Inarguable. So the NBA is clearly saying that playoff games carry more weight than regular season ones. So if you follow that logic, shouldn't elimination games carry a little more weight? If you aren't going to differentiate between levels of games, you might as well go all the way.

It is also ridiculous how minor and major incidents each get the same suspension time. Tap some one in the jewels? One game. Clothesline someone? One game. Throw a mouthpiece? One game. Drill someone in open court? One game. These are all wildly different infractions and all garnered the same punishment. Inconsistent, inconsistent, inconsistent. Imagine of you ran a red light, punched someone in the face while walking down the street, robbed a bank and murdered someone. And you got a day in jail for all four offenses. Doesn't really add up.

(Oh, a nugget from Walton: "In a big game, never waste a time out on possession. You can always get possession back." Wow.)

The point is, its too easy to get suspended. Basketball, especially at the NBA level, is a physical game. Things are going to happen. The NBA is the overprotective parent who ends up turning their kid into a huge wuss. Things should get a little chippy. That's fine. Its almost embarrassing how big of a pansy the NBA is being lately. These are adults. Let them play like it.

And Stuart is a moron.

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Hope is a Bad (Good) Thing.

I'll admit it: I'm scared.

LeBron - and what he is trying to do - scares the hell out of me. See, I was all set to watch LeBron make his playoff debut against the Wiz, tear 'em up, give us a handful of memorable moments, silence all doubters, etc. But that was it. That was as high as I let my hopes get.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wanted The LeBrons to win an NBA Championship with The Chosen One averaging a trip-doub the whole way there. But baby steps, right? First time in the playoffs, lets get our feet wet, play well, and win a hard-fought series before falling to the eventual champs. Considering the supporting cast around LeBron, it wasn't even remotely realistic to consider anything beyond that. And after Game One - and much of Game Two - it was all too obvious that the Pistons had a superior team. A sweep (maybe the Cavs steal one at the Q) seemed all too likely. But that's OK. First time in the playoffs, memories and moments galore, just ran into the better team. No shame in that this early in his career. I was content.

And then LeBron went and did this.

Three striaght wins. Against the best record in the NBA. Uh oh.

Still, throughout the not-a-chance-in-hell three-game run, I kept my doubts sky high. Hope was kept at a minimum. Remember what Red says to Andy the first time they discuss hope? "Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

And you know what? Red is absolutely right: hope is dangerous. And it wasn't about to drive me insane. Disbelief (and well...rational thought) trumped everything. Rationalizations were rampant. After Game Three, well, that was LeBron's one moment before the Pistons snapped out of it and realized who they were playing. After the Game Four win, well...Detroit is heading home - and when have they ever lost three in a row? Then, after the Mistro (Does Bron need another nickname? Probably not, but this one is to apt) conducted another masterpiece on Detroit's home court...hope started to eek its way in.

Which brings us to that whole "I'm scared outta my mind" thing. When nothing is invested, its easy to just sit back and watch. But now that something - everything - is on the line, that's scary. Plus, if I start hoping, won't that jinx everything? I mean, not hoping has gotten it to this point - why change now? Its like sitting in the same seat through all 47 minutes of a game, then sitting on the floor for the last minute. Why would you ever do that?

Still...things are looking pretty ideal for Cleveland, are they not? The game is in Cleveland, who's homecourt advantage has been second to no one's this postseason, if not the flat-out best (I always wanted to say "flat-out." I'm happy). Sheed is a little banged up, which gives the Pistons a minimal advantage in the post. Couple that with Detroit's guards not playing particularly inspired basketball right now...And LeBron is playing OK, too.

The last three games have raised an interesting question, and the answer to it decides who will win the series: has Cleveland won the last three games or have the Pistons lost them?

Cleveland could not have played any better the last three games. With LeBron being the constant, they have gotten step-up performances out of unexpected guys. Anderson Varajeo? Are you kidding me? A week ago, he couldn't have caught a golf ball with a first baseman's mitt, and now he's snagging dimes from LeBron and finishing in traffic. The LeBron/Varajeo pick and roll has been surprisingly effective. Actually, a pick and roll with anyone and LeBron is a good thing - Donyell Marshall pick and pop? Buckets.

That said, though...Detroit clearly isn't playing its best basketball right now. And it all starts with Chauncey Billups. He looks like he's trying to prove he can get a win and not try hard. Like playing all out is an admission that the Cavs are kinda good or something. If he give the Cavs his top effort, it shows that they are an equal, which I'm sure he feels they aren't (actually, I think all the Pistons feel this way; from Sheed on down they have been ridiculously dismissive of the Cavs so far). In Game Five, when Billups started asserting himself, the Pistons got back into it. If Billups wouldn't have fouled out...who knows what would have happened.

Which gives you the feeling that the Pistons have kinda lost this thing. Taking nothing away from the Cavs, if the Pistons play hard, and smart...they should win. But you know what? They haven't, and there really is no evidence that they will in Game Six either.

Like Andy said to Red, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

(Oh, who am I kidding? This series has been killing me for five games now. Game Six may give me a heart attack.)

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Who is Voting for the MVP?

Who votes for the NBA MVP award? Is there a list somewhere? Is it made public? What qualificiations do you need - any? Because I am fairly certain there are more than a few idiots voting this season. I think I even had proof.

Did you kno that not one player was on every ballot this year? Not one. How can this be? Is there an acceptable answer other than "several morons who did not watch basketball this year were given ballots and allowed to vote?"

Its perfectly understandable that the MVP wouldn't be unanimous, especially this season. But there are five places - five! - on that ballot. Surely everyone can agree that Steve Nash should be in the top 5? LeBron? Kobe? And its even more ridiculous when there were votes cast for Allen Iverson and Shawn Marion - Marion wasn't even the best player on his team!

This just really bugs me. Keeping in mind that 125 people were told to vote, look at the leading vote getters, in terms of total votes, regardless of place:

• Steve Nash - 123 total votes
  
• LeBron James - 120
  
• Dirk Nowitzki - 114
  
• Kobe Bryant - 103

Now...this is just baflfing to me. So there are two people out there who honestly feel Steve Nash was not one of the five most valuable players in the league this season. Really? As crazy as that is...the madness increases the farther down the list you go. Five people think LeBron wasn't in the top 5? Jaw dropping. Eleven people think Dirk wasn't one of the 5 best? Irrational. But wait...22 people (22!!!) thought Kobe wasn't in the top 5. If someone were to say that to you in person, you would be well within your rights to kick them in the shins. If someone actually said that to you, you couldn't even argue with them. That is turn-around-and-walk-away stupid.

Which is why these votes need to be made public. I assume most of these people are members of the media, right? So shouldn't each of them be forced to list their top 5 and then write a column explaining why the hell they thought Shawn Marion was better than LeBron James this season? Or why Allen Iverson was more valuable than Steve Nash? (To be fair, whoever game Marion and Iverson votes could also have voted for Nash, LeBron, Dirk and Kobe...but I'm doubting it.) This is their jobs - to watch basketball and then write intelligent, well thought out pieces about what they watched. Clearly, there are at least 22 people - and probably more - not doing thier jobs.

And just to be safe, let's make everything public. Anytime there is a vote, print it. MVPs, NCAA hoops and football rankings, the March Madness selection process, Heisman voting - everything. Just let us know. If there are idiots out there, we should at least be allowed to know who they are.

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Figured I'd Get Around To It Eventually...

After going 6-for-8 on first round predictions - in which every single top seed advanced, expcet the Nuggets, who shouldn't have been a high seed, anyways - I figured I needed a little help in making my Round 2 predictions. Not too much, though - just a game. So now that all four series have played one time, here goes...

In order of easiest to predict to toughest...

Pistons vs. Cavs. After that game one debacle, its painfully obvious the different classes the Cavs and the Pistons are in - kinda like in third grade how there was always that little table of the "advanced" kids reading their books with "hard covers" and then the rest of us drooling idiots trying to color inside the lines. Man, I hated that table. Buts that's the Pistons. Excluding LeBron, they are superior in basically every meaningful facet of the game: defense, rebounding, passing, shooting, execution, cohesiveness...and plenty more, I'm sure. The LeBron Factor is good for one game, maybe two (hey, if the Bucks can pull of a W, I think Bron Bron can snag at least one at the Q). Although the Pistons are pretty upset over being relagated to NBATV for three games (Why, though? They were playing the Bucks. And when they watch game film of themselves, are they ever jumping up and down? Chauncey looks pretty sleepy in the commercial where he's watching film.) But still, they're pissed, so they could turn this into a statement series.
The call: Pistons in 5.

(OK, screw that "easiest to hardest" thing. The next three series could go either way...)

Heat vs. Nets. In my humble opinion, Game 1 was an anomoly, for a few reasons: 1) The Nets aren't going to continue shooting like that. 2) The Heat will stop being idiots and play hard. As much as you can talk about strategy and whatnot, it comes down to one thing with the Heat: do they play hard? When they give their top effort, they are very, very good, but they don't always do that, probably because their alleged leader will "make his free throws when they matter" (hey, Shaq? They always matter.) and will "decide when he wants to get mean." I think Game 2 sounds like a good time to start. Flip the switch, Big Daddy.

Plus, why are the Heat doubling ball screens with Shaq? Why not go under every screen? Make Carter, Jefferson, Kidd shoot over screens? The Heat perimeter is full of more holes than a pound of Swiss cheese (there's my best Rick Reilly impression), so why not play off them and force them to shoot? If the Nets are going to consistantly drill long range shots, you aren't going to win anyways. So make 'em shoot, Miami, and sure up that perimeter D, and take your chances. Reilly should be able to figure this out, although he seems to just be chilling during games and then all depressed after them, so who knows.
The call: Heat in 6.

Suns vs. Clippers. First and foremost, thank God the "hallway series" never happened. That's the one and only time that monstrosity is ever getting mentioned.

I think I'm a little dissapointed in Sam I Am. Kenny had it right on TNT: he let the Clips fall for the bait. The Clippers were running at weird times, forcing tempo, taking pull up jumpers without numbers...it was just, um...disconcerting. I think they'll figure it out. Plus, if Kwame Brown was able to eat these guys up inside, what can Elton Brand do? Even Kaman? Elton's 40 point game should be a good indicator. Plus, when you throw the ball inside, it forces you to be patient on offense. You put it inside, wait for the double team, play of that...maybe you end up taking a jumper, but it's going to be an open one, and it's going to be later in the shotclock. Which is how you beat the Suns. And the Clippers are going to have 2 very good guards on the court at all times, which means the MVP is going to have to play defense at all times for the first time this playoffs (thank you very much, Smush).

But as much as it is about taking advantage of the Suns lack of D, it's more about stopping the Suns on offense. You are gonna get your points. You need to make sure the Suns don't get yours...and you do that by controlling tempo. By being patient on offense, you slow tempo. Make Phoenix score in the halfcourt. They are still very, very good at that...but the opportunities are limited. The Suns want more attempts. Limit those attempts, and you've won yourself a ball game.

As long as the Clips stop falling for the bait, this series is theirs; they clearly have a superior, deeper team. During stretches last night, when the Clips didn't fall for it, they led. But that bait is so tantalizing. You don't think that carton of milk looked good at first to Ron Burgundy? And we all know how that worked out..."milk was a bad choice." Don't drink the milk, Clippers, and you'll be fine.
The call: Clips in 6.

Spurs vs. Mavs. There is no logic here. None at all. But I think this is Dirk's coming out party. And he really didn't have an exceptional game one...and Bowen pretty much locked him up on that last shot...and he kinda flipped out to the press...I dunno. Just a hunch. Pretty insightful analysis, eh?

This is probably just because I hate the Spurs. Well, mainly Manu. Freakin' balding flopper, I can't stand him. And Bowen is dirty as hell, putting his feet underneath jump shooters...that's so damn wrong, I can't even talk rationally about it. And only Tony Parker could make me hate some one like Eva Longoria. Thanks, "TP" (as in, "old man johnson called the cops on us for playing football in the street, lets "tp" his house.) Duncan and Horry are OK, I guess...but they don't really make me like the Spurs, just not hate them any more than I already do. The sooner they are out of the playoffs, the better. Let's go Mavs!
The call: Mavs in 6.

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"The Greatest First Round Ever" Recap.

Odds and ends from the Greatest First Round Ever...

- Aren't you glad the first round is a best of seven format? I am.

- If I was Boris Diaw, I would switch my first and last names. Doesn't "Diaw Boris" sound much cooler, not to mention about ten times tougher? I think he'd average 3 more rebounds and 1 more block per game just by doing this. And his first name wouldn't be "Boris." It's a win-win.

- I am officially off the Manu Ginobili bandwagon. I still had a pinky toe on just cuz I liked when Barkley yelled "GINOBILI!" but enough is enough. He is Vlade Divac's little brother. The flopping is borderline ridiculous; you get anywhere near him, and he goes down like a sniper's bullet just shredded his hammy. Next time he does this, someone run at him with a yellow card. Please. (Also, I'm sick of looking at his bald spot. He looks like Freddie Prinze Jr.'s dad.)

- The Grizzlies will never win a playoff game. Ever. And you know why? Mike Fratello's hair. We all know that isn't your real hair color, Mike. Listen...I have no problem with a guy getting up in his year's and not wanting to show his grays. Fine. But...that's a little excessive, no? Just trick us a little bit; at least give us the illusion that that may be your real hair color. Kinda like seeing the tissue paper sticking out of the bra. (Unbelieveably, Fratello is only second on the That's Not Your Real Hair Color List. No one was ever, ever born anywhere on this earth with hair the color that Doug Collins is currently sporting. No one.)

- Too bad Michael Redd didn't sign with the Cavs in the offseason. Really.

- Why does Smush Parker have that line shaved down the middle of his head? It looks like the stripe on a football helmet. He lives in L.A. for God's sake; couldn't someone tell him he isn't on the set of Boys 'n da Hood?

- Does it seem like Steve Nash lost the ball an unnatural amount of time? Have I just not seen him play enough? Not even on those memorable traps in the corner...just in general - little bobbles here, a fumble there. Seems like something to be concerned about, maybe.

- While the Kobe vs. LeBron debate rages on, maybe an even more important debate surrounding those two should start: Who's supporting cast is worse? I'm going to give a slight - slight - nod to the Cavs, because the Lakers have another bonafide player on their team in Odom. Cleveland's second best player is..who, exactly? Hughes? Z? I don't know...worth exploring though, and I'm not sold either way. Convince me.

- Best pass of the first round, of the top of my head: Shaun Livingston's no look, lefthanded, underhand flip through traffic against the Nugs. When it's all said and done, his name will be up there with LeBron, Kobe, Wade, Melo, and all the other defining players of this era. If he plays one, maybe two more years under Cassell and then takes over that team...look out. Is there a more promising budding nucleus than him and Brand? Maybe the Baby Bulls, maybe what the Bucks are trying to put together...but for my money, I'm going with Dr. Livingston.

- Heard Kenny say something interesting on TNT after the Bucks blew a close, late game against the Pistons. "The Pistons are comfortable in a close game late." Any other team feel that way? The Spurs perhaps. But that's the list. And that's probably why those two are going to be playing in the Finals.

- I got nuthin' on Pacers/Nets since it was always relegated to NBATV - and rightly so. Seems like Jermaine O'Neal is really good at spinning baselines and dunking with his left hand. Must have done that at least twice every game. I'd sit on that if I was guarding him.

- LeBron telling Gilbert that he better make his FTs or the game was over...wow. I mean, he probably shouldn't have touched him, but to make that kind of statement - when you are losing - is just incredible. Imagine the pressure LeBron put on himself? I think that had to freak Gilbert out more than anything. How could anyone be that confident? And especially since he didn't end up taking the GW himself? Unreal. If I was Gilbert, I woulda missed, too. Probably an airball. To the left. And short. And then peed myself. A lot.

- And if LeBron had done that to someone he didn't know, then it might have been out of line. But Gilbert was in the Cavs' locker room after Game 5, joking around and saying that since he didn't get to be Mr. Game 5, he would have to be Mr. Game 6. So it's just a little gamesmanship. Some freakin' ballsy gamesmanship, but gamesmanship nonetheless.

- Not to sound like Seinfeld here, but what's the deeeeaal with players being so chummy after games? This is the playoffs, isn't it? And I understand they all know eachother and they played AAU ball together and All-Star teams and whatnot...but its the playoffs! Jason Kidd and Anthony Johnson hugging and smiling after the Nets bounced the Pacers; players going out to dinner with eachother in between games, Arenas in the Cavs freakin' locker room? I don't know..something just seems wrong there.

- Call their name before throwing them a pass: Anderson Varejeo and Kwame Brown. Those two are where assists go to die.

- This has been bothering me: Simmons rips the Heat fans for wearing white t-shirts, then lauds the Clip fans for wearing red ones? Plus, the Clippers fans did the wave. During a playoff game. No explanation needed. Those in glass houses shouldn't...ah, I forget the saying, but that's a little hypocritical, methinks.

- Things I will never get sick of: Ben Gordon's tear drop runners...LeBron throwing chalk in the air...Steve Nash running a pick and roll...Steve Nash's fake drive, pull up for a J move...Dwyane Wade create in mid-air...Dirk's stroke (not a classic beauty, but still can't take my eyes off it - it's the Angelina Jolie of jumpshots)...Tayshaun Prince chase someone down and swat their layup to halfcourt while the shooter stands there with a "where they hell did he come from?" look on his face...being scared to death whenever Kobe has the ball...watching Gilbert flick on shots from 40 feet like he's at the free throw line...watching Jason Kidd place passes perfectly...watching Vince Carter get his ass put on the floor...

- The All-First Round Team. Unbelievably, two players from losing squads make the team:

• Steve Nash, PHX
• Kobe Bryant, LAL
• Gilbert Arenas, WAS
• LeBron James, CLE
• Dirk Nowitzki, DAL

Honorable mention: Bonzi Wells...Rip Hamilton...TJ Ford...Dwyane Wade...Kirk Hinrich...Andres Nocioni...Jason Kidd (1o assists per)...Elton Brand...Raja Bell.

Coach of the First Round? Pop, solely for that sweet baseline pass play he drew up in Game 2 of the Kings series. It was so pretty.

Anything memorable I forgot?

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