Saturday, May 20, 2006

Game Sixes Letdown.

Oh boy. Deep breathes. Woo-sah, woo-sah.

Six hours ago, the conference finals had a pretty good chance to look like this:

Western Conference: Mavs vs. Clippers/Suns

Eastern Conference: Cavs vs. Heat.

That's a fun, enjoyable week of basketball right there. But after two less than desirable outcomes tonight, the overwhelming odds favor the Pistons and the Spurs advancing. This...this just isn't good. Damnit. Excuse me, I'm going to slam a tire iron to my shins. I'll be right back.

Now, this can still happen. I can still get those dream matchups. But I'm not getting my hopes up...not that they were up in the first place. That final four was going to be unreal to watch. I feel like a kid standing at the top of the waterslide, all excited to go down, and then someone pantsed me and kicked me face first down slide without my little blue rubber thing. Something was supposed to be really fun, and then suddenly, it is not. Damnit.

Man...D-Wade battling LeBron in the East; the Mavs and Suns playing small ball or the Mavs running against the freakin' Clippers! Suns/Clips is really a toss up, both would be fun to watch. And the Heat are already in. But everything needs to be done to keep the Pistons and the Spurs out of the conference finals.

Repeat: everything needs to be done to keep them out. I can't watch another series of the Pistons' smugness or the Pistons whining and flopping. I just can't. And I don't care if they are probably the two best teams in the L; they aren't fun to watch. Actually, they are decidedly unfun to watch. And if both Detroit and SA advance, that probably means they will meet in the Finals...and then blood will pour out of my eyes and ears as I figure out the most excruciating way to end my own life.

If they advance, get ready for another month of:

The Spurs whining. Some of the Spurs favorites:
- Tim Duncan standing there with his arms wrapped around the ball, basically hugging the ball in disbelief. "Can you believe that call, ball? Me either, buddy, me either. Awwe."
- Manu Ginobili with more flops than a Texas hold 'em tourney. He looks worse than this jackass.
- Bruce Bowen holding his hands up. "Look, ref, you can see my hands, how can that be a foul?" Because, you dirty SOB, you jacked him with the body 46 times. And because you're dirty. Did I mention how dirty you are? Go stick your feet under another jump shooter, you dirty, dirty person.
- Michael Finley running away from calls in disbelief. He's annoying, and I'm pretty sure he looks like Mickey Mouse.

Also, you can look forward to the Pistons being incredibly smug and condescending:
- Rasheed Wallace saying outlandish, stupid things that don't do anything but annoy you. But even more annoying is the rest of his team backing him up. "That's just Sheed bein' Sheed, homie." Shut up.
- Chauncey Billups making smug comments while eating carrot sticks out of the reporters hands. Reporters: make sure you keep your hand flat and still - you don't want to lose a finger.
- Flip Saunders. Aaaah.

So really, if the NBA cares about me at all, they will make Joey Crawford ref both games and get me a favorable outcome. Because the world revolves around me.

How badly do I want to see Dwyane Wade go against LeBron James? Badly enough that I'm asking myself questions about it and then answering myself. Can you imagine the shoot out that would be? The Cavs perimeter defense is awful...but the Heats is worse! Neither team has a player than can even remotely slow down the opposing team's superstar...James Posey and Flip Murray will be about as useful as a handful of quarters at a strip club. This should be the first of many, many Eastern conference showdowns between the two greatest players from the '03 draft.

And in the West? Suns are fun as hell to watch. But how cool would it be to see the Clippers play in the conference finals? Plus, you get to watch Shaun Livingston. Its a win/win. No one will hate you either way for cheering for one team or the other. But the Mavs? C'mon man...would anyone outside of that "ugly ass river walk" want to watch the Spurs style of play over the Mavs? I don't know any.

So here's what we have to do. Teach the Cavs how to box out (I can't even begin to go into how painful that was to watch. Just excruciating.) Then we have to show the Mavs how to extend the game and take the layup with 15 seconds left. And everything will be fine. Please let everything be fine. Please.

And if they aren't? Well...damnit.

2 comments so far. Might as well add your own.:

rockchalkin said...

Someone is a little bitter...yikes. Mike Finley can whine all he wants of he gives me a spectacular dunk on Dampier every night. The one in game five is only second KobenutsNashface in these playoffs. We don't want the Suns to win...

Anonymous said...

If you're gonna bitch about whining, then lets see a whole blog on Lebron James. The Lebron face is a notch above the Peyton face.