The Most Meaningless Conspiracy of All Time

Oh, this is not going to go away quickly.

George Eads of the Boston Globe reports this morning about some comments that Gary Thorne made during last night's Boston/Baltimore game. Thorne casually mentions that he was told by BoSox catcher Doug Mirabelli - over two years ago - that Curt Schilling's famous bloody sock wasn't bloody at all. It was paint.

That's...I'm just...wow. I don't know what to say. Hmm.

Someone is coming out of this with a marred reputation, I think. I don't see how this ends with all parties not looking like jackasses. Man, this is going to be so much fun. So, so much fun.

The immediate reaction is that Mirabelli was just messing around with Thorne and Thorne just misunderstood him, until you get Mirabelli's reaction to hearing what Thorne said.

"What? Are you kidding me? He's [expletive] lying. A straight lie. I never said that. I know it was blood. Everybody knows it was blood."

So Mirabelli is flat out denying saying it. That means either he or Thorne is lying. There is just no other way to describe it. This is awesome.

"I honestly don't know who Gary Thorne is, that's a straight lie."

Wow, Mirabelli. You don't even know the guy? Seriously, who's making shit up here? I cannot wait until we find out who is lying here. This is going to be even better than I originally thought.

There's an obvious way to figure this out, which is just to test the sock for blood. The sock is at the freakin' Hall of Fame, so we should be able to get our hands on it. Get Gil Grissom on the phone; he'll have this whole matter cleared up before the first commercial break.

But any kind of testing will probably never happen, which almost makes this better. Say this whole thing was faked, and the Red Sox decided to paint Curt Schilling's sock - for PR, as Gary Thorne puts it. Where would that rank in the grand scheme of all-time scandals in the sports world?

It is just so bizarre; it is in a category all of its own. It didn't affect the outcome of a game, a series, a season. This isn't Bonds taking 'roids and gaining an advantage over everyone else (well, OK...an advantage over a few guys). This is purely aesthetics. It has nothing to do with anything, really, except maybe the lure of the moment.

Even if it does come out the it was paint or ketchup or whatever, it doesn't really change anything. MLB can't punish someone for wearing paint on their sock. The outcome of the game won't be held in disrepute. It will just make Curt Schilling look like the most crazed, insane, over-the-top ego maniac to ever lace 'em up. He was in the Top 10 already; this would lock up the No. 1 spot in a heart beat.

I can't think of anything to compare this to, but I can't even make up anything to compare it to. I am trying to think of a sporting moment that basically everyone in the nation with even a passing interest in sports was paying attention to but could somehow be tainted in a manner that in no way, shape or form affects the outcome.

How could you taint George Mason's run to the Final Four? Or Lance Armstrong's seventh Tour de France win? Or Federer's recent dominance? How could those be tainted, but without cheating? It is so bizarre. Just so, so bizarre.

And not to be overlooked is just how casually Thorne throws it out there:

"The great story we were talking about the other night was that famous red stocking that he wore when they finally won, the blood on his stocking. Nah. It was painted. Doug Mirabelli confessed up to it after. It was all for PR. Two-ball, two-strike count."

Does he not realize the inflammatory statement he just made? He just tainted the greatest moment in Red Sox history, and he drops it like he's talking about an anecdote from yesterday's double header. Unreal.

"Hey Red Sox nation: remember the greatest moment of your sporting life? It was all tainted. Two-ball, two-strike count."

"On the way to the ballpark, I saw a box of puppies on the side of the road. I just ran them all over. Had to have been ten, eleven puppies. Ran them over and then back over them for good measure. One away here in the fourth."

"Oh, I've slept with her countless times. She is all business. Real cougar, that one."
"Who's that, partner?"
"Your wife. Full count here, runners on the corners."

"So I just chopped the body up in a meat processor, just like I saw on the Sopranos. Harder than they make it look, ya know? Single up the middle for Crisp."

I can't wait to hear Gary Thorne defend this. I have a sneaking suspiscion this is only going to get better and better.