Saturday, September 09, 2006

Things I Want to See This Year

If these things happen this season, I'll be Mr. Happy Guy:

While announcing the Jets-Titans game, Jim Nantz accidentally says, "And here comes the New York Jets, under the direction of new head coach Eric Mangina!"

The "Fast" Willy Parker nickname trend continues and more players are given bland nicknames that are really just adjectives. Like "Stupid" Aaron Brooks. Or "Drunk" Kyle Orton. Everyone can have one. "No Chance" Mario Williams. "Metrosexual" Chris Simms. "Dead" Brett Favre. OK, I'm done.

St. Louis goes 0-16 and absolutely blows. For a couple of reasons. First, so Stephen Jackson sucks, which means the Lemonades (of the 16th Avenue Legends League) will be awful. Second, so Bill Simmons will shutup.

How can you pick St. Louis as a sleeper team? Yea, they went 6-10 last year, but they had alot of shit going on. Mike Martz was doing his best John Nash impersonation. Marshall Faulk was in his last year, and Stephen Jackson was being ignored. They played freaking Jamie Martin at quarterback for how many games. Now they have a stable coach, Marc Bulger under center for 16 games, a freaking stud in the backfield, and a very talented recieving corps (Kevin Curtis is so underrated; he's like a two pack of red Zingers at 2:30 in the morning). Plus, they play in the incredibly pathetic NFC East. Home of the Niners. Yea. And when Seattle won at STL last year? First time in eight years they'd won at The Greatest Show on Turf. So. Not so much of an underdog, are they? He rips on Regis for picking Arizona as his sleeper; STL is just as bad as a call.

And now he's running his wife's picks in a sidebar next to his?!?!? Are you kidding me? His wife's!?!?! And she gets to make catty comments (Rip on Lindsay Lohan? Clever and original. This column is going to make Simmons wife look like a petty whore. Good decision.) above her picks? I'm glad we nailed down the date Simmons had his penis cut off. This is ridiculous. I would assume Simmons' logic is that the people that have been reading him since back in the day are all by now married and having kids and getting their wieners chopped off too. So they want to read this crap. But you know what? That logic sucks. I hate Simmons for this, and I will never forgive him. Combine that with that atrocious Green Bay article (which was downright depressing; I only got to the end because it would have been like leaving a funeral early), and Simmons is one more ballless (wow, that word has three 'l's' in a row - super) column away from me never reading him again.

OK, had to get that off my chest. Moving on.

(Oh, who am I kidding? He's like cigarettes. I know I shouldn't, but I will. Damnit. I hate myself.)

I want Peyton Manning to film more commercials. There more the better, as far as I'm concerned. I've laughed out loud at every single one of them, from "Cut that meat!" to "If you're into 6'5" 235 pound quarterback with laser, rocket arms...maybe." He's even funny in the Gatorade Rain commercial where he's trying to be serious after he was born from a football. He's an underrated comedic genius.

Here's my question though: how much tail is Peyton pulling? I don't exactly see him in a roped-off VIP room sucking down bottle after bottle of Cristal while bouncers parade groupies in front of him. There's no question he has the star power; but he seems like kind of a dork who would be akward at a club. I think he's the guy who repeatedly whispers something into a girl's ear, only she keeps going "What? I can't hear you, the bass is too loud! What was that?!" So he finally shouts what he was saying, only its just as the music cuts out, so the whole club hears him say, "I said, your boobs are neat!" I think he gets girls, I just don't know where he's meeting them at, thats all. Certainly not any Kenny Chesney concerts. So I just want to know, that's all. Not judging. Just asking.

I want the Vikings to get busted starting a Mile High Club on a cross country flight. First water, then air. It could all come full circle. A little closure, you know?

Kellen Winslow Jr. says "I don't give a hell" at least once a week. That would make me smile. Do you recall during Yao's rookie season that there was a pool started with the prize money going to whoever dunk on him first? I think T. Mac mighta started it, I forget...anyways, can we get Joey Porter to start on of these with Winslow? Every big hitter on Cleveland's schedule throws five grand in a hat, first one to drop Winslow takes the pot. Hell, keep it going on all year. I really can't see him get layed out enough.

San Fran goes 8-8. OK, 7-9. Man, that'd be awesome.

I want Chad Johnson to score one TD per week, just so we can see how he's going to use the fans as props. I want him to carry it over from week to week too. Tell us a story, Chad. This could be more ridiculous and compelling than "Trapped in a Closet."

I want more celebrations mocking other player's signature celebration. When Joey Porter got his roll on after sacking Dante Culpepper Thursday night, the room I was watching the game in exploded. Just went nuts. It really doesn't get any better than that; its like your at 5th grade recess all over again. Hines Ward mocking TOs Eagle flap (which was gay, anyways, TO), TO mocking Ray Lewis' pregame dance (which is gay anyways, Ray...don't stab me), Steve Smith rowing the boat after scoring on the Vikings, etc. More of that. Please and thank you. (Um, since we're kinda on the topic, what does "p and q" mean? Like, "that young man is so polite; he always minds his p's and q's." What are they? I really have no idea. Someone smart tell me. Please and thank you.)

You know what's crazy though? If Joey Porter had mocked Culpepper like that after he scored a TD, he would have gotten a 15 yard penalty. But he did it after a sack, so it was cool. Does that make any sense? Its still a celebration dance, no? And if I was an NFL player and scored a TD, I'd keep the ball, run over to the sidelines, wait for the ensuing kickoff, and as the ball was in the air, just go nuts. Spike it as hard as I could, leap into the stands, rip my helmet off, have my teammates pretend to take pictures of me, sign the ball and throw it to the crowd, and then propose to a cheerleader. Its not a TD celebration is it? Its two plays later! And the refs cant even see you! Get the offensive line to form a wall, and celebrate behind them. I think this is a good idea. Someone get Joe Horn on, horn.

I want whoever invented that "Who dey" cheer the Bengals do to be found and their tongue ripped out with a wrench. I can't believe the Bengals chant or sing or mumber that song and think its cool; whats even crazier is that it caught on with their fan base, and they think its cool. Have they ever even listened to it? Its absurd jibberish with no beat whatsoever (and I am the master at being off beat, so I know). If a two-year-old mumbled that, you'd smile at him and then cram another Zweback in his mouth. With the squiggly stripes and the Who Dey song, the Bengals might as well be four year olds. I wouldn't be stunned to see them wear binkies instead of mouth guard.

I want to see a TV show where Nick Saban and John Gruden each get their own second grade classroom to teach for a week. Whoever makes the most kids cry wins. Saban has actually made a grown man cry, but my money is on Gruden. He's just relentless. "What's the capital of Vermont, Timmy? What is it? Mont -what?! Spit it out Timmy! Lets go! We haven't got all day, whats the god damned capital?!? John knows the answer! Sam knows the answer! Get him the hell out of here! Get him the hell out of my sight! Get in the hall, Timmy!"

And since we're on the subject of NFL TV shows, I'm gonna think out loud a little bit here. Now, I've loved few players in my life more than Jerry Rice. Probably none. I even defended him when he played for the Seahwaks and tried to be a Bronco. But when he signed up for "Dancing with the Stars," a little piece of me died. OK, a big piece. But wait! Here comes Emmit Smith! So, my question is this: Does Emmit's appearance validates Jerry's appearance a little, or does it just lumo the both of them in the same boat? I really don't know. I wish I did. (When I was watching those classic Niner-Cowboy playoff games, and crying my little heart out when the Niners lost, and then losing my mind when the Niners won - "Deion was the difference in our defense," -- Steve Young - I never imagined I'd be watching Jerry and Emmit dance in tights. Ever.

I want to see Bill Parcels flip out about a call, forcing one of his assistants "hold him back" by grabbing his shirt, except he pulls a little to hard, the shirt rips, and Parcells' Bro (Manzier!) is exposed for all the world to see. The ultimate ward robe malfunction.

But mostly, I want Reggie Bush to score twice in the first half of the Saints game. I then want him to be the subject of those orchestrated 30-second interviews before heading into the locker room. I want this attractive woman who is given an index card with two questions on it to ask him this question: "What do you think of the Texans decision not to draft you No. 1 overall?" And I want Reggie to reply thusly: "That was dumb."

That's all I want.

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