Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Preview of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

Before the start of every season in the National Football League, I seem to make one sweet prediction. Granted, that one sweet prediction comes amongst about 30 or 40 inane ones, but I still get that one. So here's 40 or so odd things that most certainly will not pan out, but I guarentee one of these will be a real gem. A diamond in the rough, if you will. Your job is to find it.

Without further ado, your '06 NFL preview.

AFC EAST
This is a two horse race (without, ironically, any horses): Phins or Pats. The Jets and the Bills suck, and aren't even worth really discussing.

Everything seems to be falling in line for the Dolphins, doesn't it? Disgruntled QB who hasn't gotten his roll on lately and with everything to prove, throwing to a pair of absolute playmakers, and with an on-the-rise running back, who's also trying to prove he can handle the every day load. They'll be playing with a chip on their shoulder all season long. Plus, Nick Saban is the new Bill Belichik. He's so hot right now. Not to mention the fact that he makes huge men weep while wearing one of the chessiest hats of all time.

Still, its the Patriots. They win Super Bowls with teams that should be 8-8. How can you pick against them? Well, you can pick against them because their most notable moves off the off season have been losing The Most Clutch Kicker Ever, the Deion Branch holdout, trading for the immortal Doug Jolley and convincing Jr. Seau to come out of retirement (I hope Seau has a son in the NFL someday named Jr. Seau Jr. He would be like a modern day Mr. Mister.). Plus, Corey Dillon died halfway through last season. I had him on my fantasy team last year; I know these things.

I think the Pats just hit a wall this season. You can only do the whole smoke and mirrors thing for so long. Four guarentee W's against Buffalo and NY make things interesting, but the Phins wrap up the division.

AFC NORTH
Who woulda thought the QB in this division with the least amount of questions surrounding him would be playing for the Ravens? Roethlisberger's internal organs hate him, Palmer's knee was rushed in my opinion (If you think he's 100%, you're nuts. He torched the Packers D, for God's sake. Let's seem him do it in the regualr season.) and Charlie Frye is Charlie Frye.

Still, Palmer's knee should be healthy enough to wrap up back-to-back division titles. Provided Johnson & Johnson stay out of jail - no small feat on that team - that offense should just be cookies.

You know how I know the Bengals are gay, though? Those stripes. Seriously. Those are just...gay. They aren't just stripes...they're curley. Like streamers. My gaudy aunt wears things like that on Thanksgiving. We get it, you're nickname is a tiger. You wear stripes. Cute. The Jaguars aren't wearing spots though. And the Vikings don't have horns sticking out of their helmet. Denver doesn't put hooves on their cleats. It's like a third-grader came up with their uniforms. Just dress ' em in prison issued jumpsuits and be done with it. Curley stripes. Ghey.

Is anyone else excited for the Chris Henry/Santonio Holmes pregame handshake/pound before the game? Do they both need their PO's there, or will just one suffice?

I'm pretty geeked to hear Stillers fans bitch all year about their team. I don't think there are worse fans than Pittsburgh's. Honestly, how long were they happy after the Super Bowl? 5 minutes? Maybe? Watching Charlie Batch for a whole season might cause mass pileups in the Fort Pitt tunnels. I couldn't be more excited.

Oh...and the Browns suck, and I can't wait to see Kellen Winslow get lit up every week. Ah, never mind..I don't give a hell.

AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tennesse, Houston. Easy.

Here's hoping Joseph Addai breaks out (fantasy purposes only).

Did you ever pay attention to how Byron Leftwhich throws? He literally brings the ball down to his knee, locks his elbow, and just catapults it. Its insane. Combine that with his performance on that ESPN show where the NFL dudes rode around on jet skis and climbed walls, and I have no idea how he's such a good quarterback. He's the least athletic, least coordinated QB I can think of. His nuts must be friggin' enormous. Yea, that's it. Huge nuts.

I think its funny that the Dominick Davis is out for the year. Wonder of Mario Williams can run the ball?

AFC WEST
Who cares, really. I hate this division.

I will say this: Larry Johnson is overrated! Yea, I said it. He lost his best o-lineman and a damn good blocking fullback. He's the only back now. Trent Green is about to lose it; all his recievers blow, anyways. I wouldn't even cover half of them. And I don't mean I'd just put one defender on them. I mean I'd let them run wherever they wanted and see if they could actually catch a real pass. I'd put nine - 9! - guys in the box. Seriously, why wouldn't you do this? Is this Trent Green-Sammie Morris connection scaring anyone? No. Larry Johnson doesn't even have any moves, I don't think.

Did you ever play "500" as a kid? A bunch of kids stand at one end of the field and the kid with the best arms throws bombs, and everytime he throws one, he yells out a number. If he yells "100!" and you catch it, you get 100 points. Shouldn't the Raiders just run this every time? Just call it 500, have Moss and Ronald Curry run down field, and see if one of them can get it. Your telling me Moss isn't bringing down one out of every 5? Just throw it up! Its not like Aaron Brooks is gonna make a read. Let Jerry Porter hit people while the ball is in the air, too. Its not like their regular offense is going to work.

NFC EAST
Philly, baby, Philly.

The whole division is pretty even, I think. Every team has one great player: Tiki Torch, TO, McNabb, Portis. TO is gonna blow up, and its gonna be great to watch. Parcells might belly slam him to the ground (Parcells is FAT and his hair is luducris. If I was a reporter and he was talking to me like an absolute cock, I would bring this up.) and then sit on him. Janky Spanky is nicked up. The Tiki Torch has to burn out sometime...I say this year. This leaves McNabb being great.

I'm telling you, McNabb is just freaking great. If I was in need of a franchise QB, it would be Brady and then him. He's played with a good reciever exactly once, and the results were ridiculous. His recievers might be worse thean the Chiefs, and he's still gonna put up ungodly numbers. Heres my gem of a prediction: McNabb is an MVP candidate.

(And if you think that has anything to do with McNabb being my starting fantasy QB, well...it does. But I still mean it.)

NFC NORTH
Minn, det, chi,, df


I might hate this division more than the AFC West. There's basically nothing compelling going on here. Minnesoata is busy making themselves the most boring team in the NFL. Detroit plays great D and has no a putrid offense. Mike Martz has some fun toys in Detroit, but no one to play with them. And Green Bay...they may be the worst team in the NFL. Good Lord, they are atrocious.

Lotta love out there for Detroit to come "out of no where" and win the division...but I'm just not seeing it. Chicago's defense is ridiculous. You think Detroit is beating Chicago twice? I sure as hell don't.

I'm just curious about Brett Favre. He's something like 25 TDs away from breaking the all time record (yea, like I'm looking up the exact figure.) But I haven't heard anyone - anyone! - mention that maybe his comeback has a little something to do with breaking that record. I'm pretty sure his comeback has EVERYTHING to do with breaking that record. I'm not knocking him; I'd do the same thing. I just think everyone needs to chill on the whole "Favre is such a competitor and just loves the game that much." If he had that record already, do you think he'd come back and play for THAT team? Me either.

NFC SOUTH
car, tb, atl, no
Here's what I want from this division:

I want Michael Vick to make two people run into eachother again, and I want him to do something really freakin' cool I haven't even thought of.

I want Chris Simms tattoo buddy to have a towel and water bottle ready for him every time he runs off the field after messing up the call in the huddle. (Have you ever seen the NFL Films clip of Simms fucking up the play call in the practice huddle like nine times in a row as Gruden loses his mind? Simms sounds like a second grader who can't get his multiplication tables out. And he's supposed to be a starting Q? I don't think so.)

I want Reggie Bush to run back a kickoff, a punt, catch a TD pass and rush for a TD in one game. Of course, this would mean the Saints would score 28 points, so that's not very likely.

I want Steve Smith to have a 300 yard game. Just one though.

NFC WEST
The NFC West is widely considered to be the worst division in the entire league. As a Niners fan, this hurts. Not because I don't think its the worst division - I do - but its considered the worst because the Niners are in it. I'll still never forgive them for the Alex Smith pick. God, I hate that pick.

And anyone who doesn't think the Seahwaks are winning this thing are on crack. Shaun Alexander is cracking 2 grand on the ground and gettin 30 TDs. Mark him down. Right now. Do it.

And I'm openly cheering for the Rams to throw the ball every play.

Super Bowl: Bears 2, Colts 0. Print it.

2 comments so far. Might as well add your own.:

TheNumberZero said...

i love you .....this has been a long time coming....great read

kilcs said...

completely aghast (right words?) i just typed it in cuz i'm half drunk and bored and you have a new post up. unreal. hope it doesn't suck.