Tuesday, July 11, 2006

RIP, Barbaro. Please?

I wish Barbaro would die.

Quickly, too, so I don't have to hear that much about it. Maybe a bullet to the head, or he drowns in his special little pool. A horsie heart attack, perhaps. Whatever. Just get him the hell off my radar.

Apparently, our little champ has developed "potentially serious" complications. I can only pray. If "potentially" means "really" and "serious" means "dead," you can call me officialy giddy.

I'm sick of having to hear about him (Good God, that sounded like Skip Bayless. I'll simmer). I would honestly rather hear another Barry Bonds story at this point. Barbaro makes steriods seem fresh and interesting. (Ironically, though, they may have the two largest heads I can think of. Lick finger and draw an imaginary tally on my imaginary board that keeps track of clever things I say.)

At first, I guess I can see why Barbaro was getting some ink. Lots of people watched Elmer's golden boy snap his leg live on national TV, so I'm sure they wanted to know what happened. But now? Let it go, man. Let it go.

I'm genuinely at a loss as to why he gets so much attention. He's a damn horse. A HORSE! Let's put it this way: if the jockey riding Barbaro had fallen of the horse, been trampled, and sent to the hospital in critical condition, we wouldn't hear as much about him as Barbaro. I don't know if that's funny or sad or both. We might have heard about it initially, but months afterwards? Nu uh.

The support of the public over a walking glue stick has been appalling. (No, not appalling; that makes me sound like Jay Mariotti. All I need after that is to yell "WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?!?!" and wear my hair all wavy, and I'd be Jay. So not appalling.) The support has been...well, pathetic. That works, I think.

Explain to me your mindset when you write a letter of support to a horse. And like, thousands of people have done this. I just don't get it, and I'm not trying to be clever or funny or anything...please explain to me your thought process. I won't even question it. I just want to hear one. Yea, yea, there's all those "he can't read" jokes...but you know what? He can't. Plus, he's a horse. Why didn't anyone write any letters to the animals that died in Katrina? Surely, their suffering was much greater, and much nobler. But no one did. Know why? Because they are animals and they matter less than Mexico.

The whole situation is just pointless. Which is why I'm voting for Barbaro to end up like the horsie from the Godfather: headless, drenched in its own blood, and dead. Really dead.

Of course, then you'll have all the tribute pieces. And all the reasons for why he died article. And I'm sure ESPN will cut in with live coverage of is funeral. Damnit. That's no good. Maybe he should just get better real quick and go live a quite life in anonymity?

Nah. Dead is better.

4 comments so far. Might as well add your own.:

Zero said...

I heard Barbaro's mother was a mudder.

Anonymous said...

That was kinda creepy. Do they have someone who reads the letters to Barbaro? Can that job be listed on SI's useless job list?

forward4 said...

haha

forward4 said...

Best news of the day, reported to you from me, Barbaro has developed a severe case of laminitis, a potentially fatal disease caused by uneven weight distribution in the limbs, and his veterinarian called his chances for survival "a long shot."