"I'm Back, Baby!"

Has it really been 11 days? Cripes, that's a long time. My bad, my bad (pounding chest as I backpedal down court).

Well, like MJ said - the first time - "I'm back." And yes, I just compared myself to Jordan. It's justified - in my mind, at least. (While we're here, who had the best "I'm back" ever? MJ's one line press release? Or George Costanza's "I'm back, baby!"? MJ's was infintely cooler, but Costanza added a little flair to it, plus it was hilaroius. The sheer coolness of MJ's comeback is a notch above in my book, but I'm willing to listen to arguments.)

My plan, anyways, is to be like Jordan after his first comeback: depsite the constant media attention surrounding the comeback, I'm going to start slowly at first, get reaquainted with my surroundings, build and build...and then, wait...what's that? Double nickel at MSG. That double nickel is coming sooner or later. Probably later than sooner, but it's coming.

And then of course, I will get knocked out of the playoffs by the Magic because I can't hear Nick Anderson running up behind me.

Anyways, consider this his first game against the Pacers - little rusty, but hey, he was out there playing, wasn't he?

So alot of stuff happened in the last 11 days. If I was writing about it, here's what I would have said.

Tiger Woods won the British Open while everyone else scrambled to find skirts that would fit them. Well, except for DiMarco. Gutsy performance by him; he holed some pretty long freakin' putts.

El Tigre now has 11 majors, tying him for second all time with Walter Hagan - and seven off Jack's record of 18. He's a mortal lock to break that; it's probably not even going to be close, either, unless someone decides to take their skirts off. And even then, it might not matter. He could (make that will) rack up 30 majors with everyone bringing their A game, especially now that he is an emotionless golf robot.

Honestly...how crazy was his reaction after he won? He taps in for the W, then just melts down - completely understandable. Who wouldn't? Considering how integral his father was to his gold game, the reaction is even more justified. And regardless of his father's connection to his profession, it was his father who had just died. Frankly, if he had held it together, it would have been stunning. But then like 5 minutes - maybe - later - he's back to his stony-faced self. WHAT?!?! How'd he do that? Aside from not even looking like he had just wept for 5 minutes, he wasn't even remotely rattled. His control over his emotions isn't even human. That's frightening.

Considering how important the mental aspect of golf is (ask Phil or Sergio), that's borderline unfair. How can other golfers compete against a mental cyborg? Tiger and LeBron are now the only two athletes I can think of where it is completely indefensible and professionally idiotic to bet against them or critique them in anyway. How stupid does anyone look right now that criticized Tiger? Has one single criticism of his game ever been justified? One?!?! Name me one negative thing someone said about him that actually had any merit three months after it was said.

Oh, and by the way: he won hitting his driver, like, once. Personally, I think he did that just to mock Phil's spectacular attempt to use his driver on 18 at the Open. Can you imagine Phil's reaction to hearing that? I think this is the Re-rising of The Tiger and the Decline of The Phil. Mark it down.

Steve Nash went bald. That had to have been a drunken idea. Now way he does that rationally. Not that he was a Calvin Klein model in the first place, but the bald look certainly isn't helping (and the award for least heterosexual comment in the room goes to...me).

(Quick aside: I actually did that once. Shaved my locks at like 3:30 in the morning because I was hammered. I woke up the next morning barely in time to submit my fantasy football lineup...couldn't decide on my second running back, went to run my hand through my hair to help aid in the decision...and there was none there. Felt like I went down a rollercoaster. Just a sick, sick feeling. I'm sure our little two-time MVP felt the same way, regardless of what he says.)

Another Bengal is arrested - this time with a taser! Yawn.

Floyd Landis makes it 8 years in a row for the Americans. Man, the French have to be pissed right now. They try to drill Lance on some trumped up charge for 7 years (best comeback ever: "what am I on? I'm on my bike every day.") and then when he bounces to make gay jokes at the ESPYs some other American wins their race. Ah, good times, good times.

I have to say, though...I was really impressed with Lance Armstrong winning 7 in a row (even if I thought him winning Male Athlete of the Year every year was a little ridiculous - he won ONE event a year). But now, Landis - some guy I'd never even heard of - wins the Tour. I dunno...I guess it's still awesome, Lance. But it's just not as hard as I thought it was. That's all I'm saying.

Plus, doesnt Floyd look like Steve Zahn. A little bit?



Reggie Bush is willing to sit out the year and enter next season's draft all over again. I understand where he's coming from, but sitting out a year doesn't really work for anyone. Clarett kinda screwed that one up, and even though it wasn't really Mike Williams' fault, sitting out that year didn't really help. It's probably an empty threat, but whatever...sign your deal and get into camp. You are killing fantasy football owners right now. Namely, me. You are already the craziest pick on the board - honestly, no one has any idea of what you are going to do; are you Barry Sanders or Brian Westbrook or KiJana Carter? Remove a little of the uncertainty, alright? Sign on the dotted line. Please.

A-Rod is slowly morphing into Chuck Knoblauch. Which is great. I really don't like A-Rod, and there is ample evidence to back me up: breaking up a pretty cool Mariners team by signing that roster-crippling $252 million contract with the Rangers; bitching when they lost (which he knew was going to happen), then forcing a trade to NY and pretty much screwing over the Red Sox in the process; that karate chop bullshit he pulled against Boston; having purple lips; etc.

But for some reason, seeing him struggle in the field, then getting constantly booed, then having to endure trade rumors....(Good Lord, I can't believe I'm about to say this) I feel bad for him. Kinda. I'm still up inthe air about it. I'll expand on this later.

Barbaro is still alive. Damnit.

Coach K demands "56 quarters of dominance" from the US ballers. Say what you will about Coach K (and I will: he's a corporate sell out who just happens to coach basketball while looking like a sanctimonious rat and can't go two sentences without dropping a f-bomb and once said his player had "beautiful eyes."), but the man is right about this. That's the perfect attitude to have. Chris Sheridan took him to task for the mindset - "International competition is so good! I know, I watch them play! I've seen all the games!" - but Sheridan comes off looling like an idiot who doesn't know the first thing about competition.

Yea, Sheridan, other countries are better than '92. But you know what? We still have all the best players. We should win, we should be dominant, and it shouldn't even be close. Yea, the rules and styles are different, but they aren't that different. It's not like it's a no-dribble tournament with three balls while Gladiotors shoot at you with those tennis ball guns. It's still basketball and we have the best players. That should translate into dominance, no?

Sheridan's stance is so egeriously wrong...I'll be expanding on this later.

Zidane is punished for his headbutt. FIFA fined him 6 grand and suspended him for three games - but that doesn't matter, because he retired. So instead of being suspended, he has to do community service. Which makes about as much sense as the All-Star game deciding home field advantage in the World Series. Isn't this kind of like your high school giving you a detention after they gave you a diploma?

What if Zidane says, "Um, community service? Six grand? How 'bout no? How bout I tell you to go to hell, I keep my money, and I don't pick up trash off the highway? What are you going to do? Arrest me? Oh, you can't? Because you just control soccer? Oh, so this punishment means nothing to me? K, I just wanted to make sure. I'll be leaving now. Don't look for that check in the mail."

Zidane needs to roll into FIFA headquarters like Black Bush dismissing the UN: "You know what I think you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh, wait a minute! You don't have an army! I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!

TO said he was misquoted in his own book. Speaking of shutting the fuck up...

Would there be a better Real World character than T.O.? I don't think so. God I hate him. (And by the way, NFL Network making fun of his book has been a highlight of mine for the last couple of weeks. Dhanti Jones reading pompous, meaningless passages as if they were literary classics kills me every time. And the fact that the NFL itself is ripping on TO...well, I think they hate him as much as I do.)

Bill Belichik is named as the "other man." So two people are getting divorced because the wife is allegedly having an affair with none other than the football genius Bill Belichik. That just boggles my mind. Honestly, Bill Belichik?

Could you think of a coach less likely to be caught in an affair? Maybe Rick Majerus? At least he has a sense of humor and knows all the best restauarants. Art Shell? Hell, if he can come back and coach the Raiders, I think he can handle a woman on the side. Marv Levy? Hey, pop him a few Viagra, and he's ready to roll, son!

Belichik just seems surly and mean...imagine him sweet talking a woman in a bar? I can't even imagine him wearing anything other than that gray hooded sweatshirt. How does a mean guy who wears nothing but sweatpants pull of an affair? I'd really like to hear Belichick spit some game. How many times do you think he name dropped Tom Brady before the woman caved?

Of course, both Bill and the woman are denying this, so its all specualtion at this point. But still...doesn't this change his prescence among his players a little? There is no way they look at him the same now. If I was a Pats fan, I'd be worried right now. I wouldn't want Corey Dillon and Troy Brown giggling behind my coach' s back all season.

Phew. There. 'Bout 2,000 words. Not a bad comeback. And if I forogt anything, I'm sure you'll let me know. Time for some Gatorade.

Oh, and just because its great: