The Spurs Need to Lose the Next Two Games By A Lot of Points

Fuck the Spurs.

I apologize for saying the fuck word. Really, I do. I try not to say that word too much, and I think I have been doing a pretty good job of it lately, but seriously: fuck the Spurs.

They Spurs are such collective d-bags that they have somehow managed to rub off on Robert Horry. Big Shot Rob! C'mon, San Antonio, leave the man alone! Him and Michael Finley were the only guys I liked on that team, and now I can't even shake my head in amazement for Big Shot Rob after his ridiculous cheap shot on Steve Nash that might end up getting Amare and Diaw suspended for Game 5. (What a trade off, eh? Rob for STAT and Diaw? SA has to be geeked right now.)

San Antonio should be an eminently likable team. If your team is knocked out of the playoffs, or you are a casual fan with no vested interest, San Antonio should be a team that you can latch onto during the post season and just appreciate good basketball.

They play terrific team basketball. They play well together, pass the ball crisply, play great defense. Individually, they have the best pivot in the NBA, a fast point guard who loves nothing more than flying into the paint, a herky-jerky sixth man who has some of the most creative finishes in the NBA and a cast of unselfish veterans who do nothing but hit clutch shots.

They easily pass the eye ball test. You can just look at them and tell they are a good team playing a high-level of basketball. People should like them. I should like them.

But fuck them.

From top to bottom, 1-12, they are uncontrollable whiners. No call goes uncomplained about, no missed call escapes the team's raised eyebrows. Seriously: every friggin' call. They are relentless about it. But you know this.

The worst part about it is that each player on the team each has a specific role they have mastered to piss everyone off to maximum capacity. They really have perfected the art of annoying the freakin' hell out of anyone who watches them play.

Tim Duncan has perfected the art of complaining after every call. Every single call. By now, it is such a commonplace occurrence that you barely even notice it. Whistle. Foul on Duncan. Duncan holds up arms in sheer bewilderment. Opponent goes to the line. Repeat. And the thing is, Duncan gets away with murder. Outside of D Wade and maybe LeBron, no one gets protected more than Duncan. No one.

One of my favorite Seinfeld lines was George's advice to Jerry when he had to lie on a polygraph: "Remember - it's not really a lie if you believe it." Duncan has to have himself convinced that he is impervious to fouls. They just don't happen to him, so any whistle blown against him is clearly wrong. Needless to say, that act is infuriating.

And that thing where he hugs the ball is just grating to me. It is like scratching your nails on a chalkboard while biting into a popsicle with your two front teeth. Freakin' unbearable.

Then there is Manu. He has the whole "Who me?!?!" routine down pretty well - he has a way to go before he is in Duncan's league, though - but he throws a severe case of flopping on top of it. The dude just throws his body all over the place, initiating contact and then going down like a sniper hit him at the smallest amount of contact. Actually, if he was actually touched when he went down, I could live with that, but dude drops to the court for no reason whatsoever.

And he gets calls! There was a play the other night when he drove, missed, gestured at the ref the way Europeans do (you know, with the upturned palm and the raised shoulder), took a step down the court and then the whistle blew. Unreal. I don't know how he does it; the man is more persistent than Craig Sager.

Tony Parker has somehow managed to make me say "My God, another close up of Eva Longoria? Can we please get her off the screen!" I never thought that could happen, and I hate him for it.

But the worst - by far - is Bruce Bowen. Hands down, the dirtiest player in the NBA. I loved the whole "Is Bruce Bowen dirty?" debate with no one in the national media having the stones to call him out and skirting around the whole issue. Well, he plays really tough...he walks that fine line...if he is, he always gets away with it...he is crafty...now let's talk about how good the Spurs are at defense. What a joke. The man is a despicable prick on the basketball court who is effective in part because dudes are just flat out scared to even jump around him. There is a laundry list of superstars who have called him out on it, too. Not only is he dirty, but he puts other players careers on the line on a regular basis. It doesn't get any more despicable than that.
And now Big Shot Rob. What the hell, San Antonio, what the hell.

If San Antonio would just embrace their role as assholes, I think I'd be a little more inclined not to hate them as much. Kind of like Mayweather. Yea, he was an over the top prick, but at least he knew he was being one and begged someone to call him on it. It made you think twice about cheering against him. That type of self awareness, realizing that you have to be an asshole to get the most out of your competitiveness, while maybe not commendable, is at least intriguing.

But San Antonio insists on this whole "What? Us? What did we ever do!" bullshit that drives everyone crazy. Well, me at least. So, until they embrace their inner-Mayweather: fuck the Spurs.