Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I Have No Idea Why I Am Doing This. It Will Not Be Worth It.

Alright, it has been a while. I know - my bad, my bad. I was trying to think of a way to make it up to you - yes, specifically you - and this is what I came up with. If this doesn't do it, I have no idea what will. Enjoy.

There are a fair few things ESPN does that really grinds my gears - among others: showing 30 seconds of highlights and then letting two yahoos argue about them for six minutes; showing the last two minutes of PTI five minutes into Sports Center; Mike Patrick - but near the top off the list is when they show basketball players spraining their ankles with no warning whatsoever.

Why do they show that? Does anyone want to see that? All it does is make anyone whoever sprained their ankle recoil in horror and relive the first time they sprained their own ankle for the next five minutes. (I've sprained my ankle so many times that it barely hurts anymore - I can't decide if that's a bad or good thing - but that first time is just indescribable. It hurt worse than when I broke my elbow. You can't think or blink;it is just an all-consuming pain. Also, upon rereading those last two sentences, I don't think I am as coordinated as I once thought.)

It has to be the worst thing ESPN does. Well, besides Mike Patrick. Just to be safe, I turn the channel anytime Bruce Bowen is near a jump shooter (because he's a dirty, dirty prick, that's why).

I had to ask myself, though: Am I being a huge skirt about all of this? I mean, it's just a sprained ankle, it isn't me getting actually hurt...what's the big deal? I have no problem watching quarterbacks being obliterated and suffering concussions or Sean Taylor lighting up some defenseless punter in the Pro Bowl. So why can't I stomach a little sprained ankle? I think I need to get over this. Confront my fears, if you will. Ya know, sky dive to overcome a fear of heights.

Well, apparently, there have been two horrific injuries recently - Brain Butch got his elbow bent the wrong way and something undesirable happened to Shaun Livingston's knee cap. I say apparently because I have been more scared than Tim Hardaway at a Gay Pride rally to watch these two clips. (Yes! My first Tim Hardaway joke! Felt good, felt real good.)

So here's what I propose to get back into your good graces: I'm gonna watch them for the first time and then immediately post my reactions. This idea is so dumb it just might work.

I'm gonna level with you: I am scared out of my mind right now. I really, really can't stomach this type of stuff. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. Wait - what would Jack from LOST do? He'd give the fear five seconds to do its worst, and then he'd laugh sarcastically at someone, that's what he'd do. Seems to work for him. Here goes...

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

First up: Brian Butch's elbow injury. Let's see...



OK, not too bad so far...view is from far away....someone for Wisconsin just got knocked over. I think it was Butch...OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! His arm is the wrong way! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I have to rub my elbow furiously for the next five minutes, hang on...OK, I'm back...ah screw it, I need to massage my arm some more....Did you see the look on his face? I made the exact same face. Shit, I'm still making it. He was in total shock. He looks at the ref like, "Do you see this shit!?!! Look at my arm! Look at it! I look like I am permanently doing the robot! Are you currently seeing the horrificness that I am currently experiencing? My God, man...do something!"

My hands are shaking...I can barely type. I don't want to see anything like that ever again. OK, video number two!

I'm going to be truthful with you here: I am really, really scared. Very frightened. I feel like that poor guy in Gladiator who pisses his robe before some dude rips his head off with a metal ball that had two-inch spikes sticking out of it. Or Dominic Rhodes in a police car. Either one.

This morning I got an IM telling me to stay away from the clip. Do not watch it under any circumstances. I mean, when someone gets ahold of you just to tell you not to watch something, you probably shouldn't watch it. There are some things that you just can't unsee; I think I am about to see just that. Gulp.


Video: Shaun Livingston Dislocation

Damn, Steve Levy is warning me, too. I like to think he is talking just to me here. Why the hell won't I listen to anyone? Anyways, Shaun Livingston out on the break (Shaun Livingston is one of those guys where you have to say his whole name, isn't he?) he's all alone...really, how bad can this be? AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Oh, Sweet Mary, Mother of God. I just went blind and then puked. Or puked and went blind. It all happened so fast I don't even know. All I can see are constant replays on the back of my eyelids of Shaun Livingston's knee wobbling and then snapping like a twig.

I am fairly certain that his knee and ankle were touching the ground at the same time and I am equally certain that God did not intend ankles and knees to touch the ground at the same time. How the hell is he going to go on with his life now? I can't even imagine how scary it is going to be walking down the juice isle at the grocery store; driving through a crowded lane has to to be just about the most fear-inducing thing I can imagine. No one would blame him if he decides basketball just isn't worth it anymore.

Actually, you know what? Screw Shaun Livingston - how am I going to go on with my life? How am I supposed to have a normal day now? How do I get that out of my head? I think I need to go watch that bear on the trampoline like nine thousand times. Or drink heavily.

I can't believe there is an open-court injury that makes Tony Allen's needless dunk

where he shreds his knee for no good reason look harmless by comparison. And since these things tend to come in threes, much like celebrity deaths, who's next? Ty Thomas seems most likely, but I got my money on Brendan Todd Haywood, mainly because I wanted to say Brendan Todd Haywood.

But back to Shaun Livingston: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

You know what? This whole crap about confronting your fears is bullshit. That's terrible advice. I want no part of anything like this ever again. But then again...maybe you just have to go over the top with it. So that's what we'll do. I've never seen Lawrence Taylor snap Jos Theisman's leg. Really, I haven't. So I'm gonna do it now. I know going in that this is a terrible idea that will absolutely not work and turn me into a shivering idiot for several days. But I'ma do it anyways.

Here we go...



I agree with the announcer: that was a really bad call. I don't feel good at all. This was a terrible experience that wasn't worth it at all. I am going to lay down on a matress surrounded by as many pillows and blankets as possible. And maybe Jack should rethink that whole count to 5 thing...I mean, he's the only one in a cage right now.

What a terrible, terrible idea. Good to be back, though.

1 comments so far. Might as well add your own.:

3bsaver said...

Wait, I think there is something wrong with me, I watched the videos, flinched a little said Oh My God, and watched them again.. maybe it’s cause I never broke anything before....or maybe it was just reading your reactions took away from the pain of watching them. Hey that Brian Butch's injury that was this weekend’s game? I watched it, I missed that part.. guess I didn’t watch the whole game…