Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Debut of Zero. I Know I Will Always Remember Where I Was. You Should, Too.

Since this comment - which form now to eternity will be referred to as "The Greatest Comment Ever," TGCE for short - was too good to be relegated to the comments section, here it is in all its glory. We'll call it the debut of Zero, although he's been around since day one.

Zero now has the privelege (Too strong of a word? Yes) of writing a guest column whenever he sees fit. And if anyone one else wants to write a guest column, just let me know, and we can work it out. We just have to take care of a few logistics first, that's all. In fact, that isn't just a suggestion, that is highly encouraged. Don't be shy, kiddies. I'd really like to get some regular or even once-in-a-while entries on here.

Without further ado, here is Zero's debut effort, which includes multiple laugh out loud moments. Enjoy.

Well, since I can’t get my own column around here I guess I have to take things into my own hands. Some know me as rockchalkin or Who Do You Think, but from know on it will just be zero, actually Zero. Enough about me, let’s pick.

The First Annual Baked Lays Mock Draft
Presented by Grey Goose

1. Toronto Raptors - Well, they need a 1. Too high to take one in my opinion. They need a 2, Roy’s the right pick, but young Colangelo disagrees with me and apparently he knows more about running a franchise than I do. They need a five and unless they feel like drafting someone named Hilton with the first overall pick then I doubt they fill that need. I say trade, as a matter a fact I'll go out on a limb here and say they send this pick to the Charlotte MJ's for the number three pick and Brevin Knight. Charlotte selects G Brandon Roy and puts this line-up on the floor on opening night.

1 - Felton
2 - Roy
3 - G. Wallace
4 - Okafor
5 - Primo Brezec

I say not bad for a young squad in the East and apparently Jordan wants to spend, spend, spend so if they can go out and get say...a more serviceable center (say, Ben Wallace or Prryzbilla, I know I’m reaching here) and some backcourt help (Speedy Claxton). Anyway, enough about a team that will still probably finish last in the Southwest. They’re young, give ‘em two years.

2. Chicago Bulls – This is my favorite pick of the night because its not their pick, it’s the Knickerbockers. I want them to ship this to Minnesota with some of the youngbloods they have been stockpiling and take back KG, but they won’t and McHale probably wouldn’t take them. Now that Roy is gone, they’ll take Aldridge and try to sure up the center position, boring pick. They finish fourth in the East next year and play seven great games with the Wiz.

3. Toronto Raptors – Mike James who? who? who? Mike Jaaaaaaames doesn’t have any plans of staying in America Jr. so that’s why the took Brevin Knight and traded down. Opening Night line-up

1 – Knight
2 – Mo Pete, Flintstones what
3 – Charles V.
4 – Bosh
5 – Rasho

Looks like they need help at the 2, oh wait they could have just taken Roy at one and been done with it and had a nicer young core than Charlotte but nahhhhhhhhh that’s no fun. They take Andrea Bargnani and play him at the five. Who knows, maybe they can be the dumpster version of the Suns. Whatever, another boring pick. You may not think so but I am having fun.

4. Portland Trail Blazers, formerly the Jail Blazers – Adam Morrison, if they don’t there might be a riot. He’s gonna be fine in the NBA, they say he can’t play D, but then again who can. He’s not Larry Bird, but he’s not Trajan Langdon either, yes I hate Duke.

5. Hotlanta Hawks – This is where things get fun. Apparently Billy Knight has promised Sheldon “Ork” Williams to draft him. You know what, he’s right, take another power forward that’s somewhere around 6’8’ because you solved the PG problem you created by not drafting my favorite young player Chris Paul last year.

Side Note: That’s one place that Point 23 and Zero disagree about. He hates CP3, I love. Moving on….

Because I want to be right I say they take Williams, when in reality they should take Randy Foye.

Which of these lineups do you like better?

T. Lue, Johnson, Childress, Harrington, Sheldon

I don’t know why I just typed that it doesn’t even make sense, I just want you to see how absurd it is.

Foye, Johnson, Childress, Harrington, Zaza Pachulia

That backcourt runs things in the East for the next ten years. Whatever Billy Knight, whatever.

6. Kevin Garnett’s team – I am not recognizing them as their real name because they don’t deserve to be recognized by that. They have failed to give KG, who arguably helped reinvent positions 3 – 5 any help except for the year that had Cassell and Spree and took the LakeShow to the limit. They can go two ways here: Foye or Gay. I say Foye and then they trade for K-Mart to give it one last run. Foye is Rookie of the Year, they finish 7th in the west and are swept by the Suns.

7. Boston Celtics – Paul Pierce and Rudy Gay: not enough balls to go around. They draft Marcus Williams and everyone gets new Apple laptops. Sho’ nuff.

8. Houston – Redick gets picked here and becomes boys with Paul Wall and gets a grill. Wall’s next album called DUI’s and Poetry. Houston = complacency. Sounds like a perfect fit for young JJ.

9. Golden State - Tyrus Thomas continues to slip, just for you point23. GS rejoices, grabs Gay with the number 9 pick. He fits in perfectly, actually he doesn’t but know one thought that he would be here at 9. They take him because he’s the best available and trade who ever is playing his position, I think Mike Pietrus for a center. Next.

10. Seattle – Wanted Sheldon, shame they didn’t get him. He would be playing in obscurity up there and I wouldn’t have to see his face ever again. Don’t be surprised to see either Rashard Lewis or Ray Allen moved on draft night or shortly there after. The Sonics are in rebuilding mode, they draft Ced Simmons to play alongside Collison. Ask me if I care.

11. Orlando – Patrick O’Bryant, Dwight Howard is a man and will show him the ropes and serve him some humble pie. I would love to go to the club with Darko, Howard and O’Bryant. It would be interesting to rank the teams that you would like to go to the club with in the NBA, you get three players and $5,000. What team would you have the most fun with. If you don’t do it point23, I will. That’s how bored I am.

12. OC Hornets – Ronnie Brewer.

13. Philly – Rowdy Rodney Carney. Please trade Iverson to the Hawks or the Celtics or the Bulls or Minnesota.

14. Utah - Saer Sene. Chad Ford and Andy Katz are both high on him. Upside, check. Name you can’t pronounce, check. Ladies and gentleman meet this years Desagana Diop. In four years he’ll look great starting at Center for the Heat. From Provo to South Beach, you can’t beat it.

15. OC Hornets – Hilton Armstrong, I like this pick, they are building a nice young team.
16. Bulls – Shannon Brown. They just keep stockpiling more young talent.
17. Pacers – Danny Granger last year. Kyle Lowry this year. Give them a couple years. They’ll be back.
18. Wizards – Thabo Sefolosha. Just another guy to be Gilbert’s man servant.
19. Kings – Sergio “Spanish Chocolate” Rodriguez. Why not. He joins Artest on the crazy train. Nice back up to Bibby.
20. Knicks – HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHA. Don’t they have the second pick? No, you sure, you’re positive about this, well then, who? what? Oh, Isiah Thomas HAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Knicks take Rajon Rondo. They will put out a team of Point Guards next year. Look for them to go after Sam Cassell and Jason Terry in Free agency.

21. Suns – Some Foreign guy. I can’t go wrong here.
22. Nets – Mo Ager. He makes beats and balls.
23. Nets – Pittsnogle. He’ll fit in real well.
24. Grizzlies – Quincy Douby
25. Cavs – Jordan Far-mar. UC – LA. Lebron will be real happy about this.

26. Lakers – Mardy Collins. He fits perfect in the triangle. He won’t say a word when Mamba24 starts jacking again.
27. Suns – Already took a foreign guy. Now they take PJ Tucker. Good back up at the 3. Plus he fits the system because he can just roam.
28. Mavs – Joel Freeland. He’s from England. He’ll be staying there for at least 3 years.
29. Knicks – No HAHA’s this time, I promise. Josh Boone. Good one coach. Hope this helps you toward your one year goal. Me and point23 should run this team.

30. Blazers – Mike Gansey. Reshaping their image. Him, Morrison and Jack are the future.

Well that wraps up my first ever mock draft. I’ll be back in the comments later this week to sum up how teams did and how I did. For now, I’m out. Let me know what you think.


Of course something had to go wrong.

Tyrus Thomas goes at 13 to Philly, which bumps Carney to the Suns at 21. Sorry Memphis fans

(As I throw my TV through a window)
"I knew I should have proofread this."

0 comments so far. Might as well add your own.: