What if there were no conferences...

G.O.A.T.s

Click here to add one to the list.
Draft Screw Up: Mario Williams over Reggie Bush.
Nickname: The Logo
Receiver: Jerry Rice. You know what? He's the greatest football player ever. There. I said it.
Choke Job: the 2004 NY Yankess against the Sawx
Dunker: Vince Carter
Catch: Gary Matthews, Jr. If that catch was the result of rampant steriod use, then more players should take steriods.
Cover: Chris Duhon's meaningless heave from the otherside of halfcourt against UConn
Baller: MJ
Stiff Arm: Laurence Maroney vs. the Bengals, 2006

The "Free Pass" List...

Nominations are currently being accepted. Submit yours here. Link to a video, image or story? Even better.Disclaimer: no nominations from anyone associated with Duke or Around the Horn (with one notable exception) will be accepted at this time. Thank you.

Brady, Tom
Charles, Josh
Costas, Bob
Daly,John
David, Larry
EJ, Kenny & Chuck
Hinrich, Kirk "Chuuuurch"
James, LeBron
Johnson, Chad
Johnson, Gus
Jones, Damon "The Butler"
Kornheiser, Tony & Wilbon, Michael
Larry, Ashy
Laurie, Hugh
Leinart, Matt
Maynor, Eric
Reali, Tony
Rome, Jim
Sanchez, Edwards
Seinfeld, Jerry
Simmons, Bill
Stevens, Kevin & Trottier, Brian
Three Kings of the U: Portis, Edge, McGahee...and you know what, Frank Gore? You earned it.
Tomlinson, LaDanian
Woods, Tiger

Mike Tyson
Artie Lange
Larry Cole, Josh Charles, et al.

Please Go Away. Now.

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BIlly Packer
Skip Bayless
Paul McGuire
Jay Mariotti
Mike Patrick
Dook Vitale
J.J. Reddick
Anyone associated with Duke, really.
Magic Johnson (But only when he is ruining "Inside the NBA," not when he is saving inner-city kids and stuff.)
Chris Berman. (You're with me, leather!)
Joakim Noah
Bruce Bowen. Hands down, the dirtiest, slimiest prick in the NBA.
T.O. Almost...
The 2005 NBA Finals
Barbaro. Wow. He really did...
The Dee-TROIT Bas-KET-ball! Guy
Anyone who goes to a sporting event and bangs together anything resembling Thunderstix.

That's About Right.

There's a lot of idiots in charge. This is some of the stuff they came up with. Add something to the list by clkcing here.
The 64 vs. 65 "play-in" game during March Madness. Don't even get me started.
The MLB All-Star Game decides home field advantage in the World Series.
The BCS.
The NBA Finals format: 2-3-2. Why should the lower seed ever have an advantage?
Overtime in football. Coin flip? Alternating possessions from the 25? We can't just line up and play 15 more minutes? Really?
The NBA's "restricted area" for block/charge calls.
Automatic bids go to the conference tournament winner and not the regular season winner. Only the Ivy League does it right.
The NBA's Zero Tolerance "Don't Leave the Bench During a Fight" Rule. A little discretion, perhaps, fellas?

Words People Thought In Their Heads and Then Made Into Sentences and Then Actually Said Outloud

Or typed, if you are Curt Schilling. To add one of your own, click here.
"Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bulls-------. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your m-----f------- a-- riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your m-----f------ house." - Elijiah Dukes. I'm not the first person to say this, but who calls thier wife dawg?
"He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game." - Curt Schilling
"I've known Larry Bird since we were kids. When he was on the Celtics and I was playing in Boston, he and Kevin McHale would come to my dressing room after the show and smoke me under the table." - John Cougar Mellencamp
"I think the Spurs are a dirty team." - Amare Preach, brother. Preach.
"The more scotch I drink, the better the game plan gets." - Don Nelson
"We suck." - Larry Miller
"Billy Packer has been around the game long enough to know better. Soft? That's foolish. It's offensive to be called that. I try not to let that sort of stuff bother me but I will say that if Billy Packer played in my day, I would bust his ass. It would be a massacre." - Reyshawn Terry
"He looked at me and said, 'Do you want to fight? Do you want to fight?' I didn't say anything to him. If he wants to fight, we can fight. I don't have any problem with him, but we can do it if he wants to." - Tim Duncan
"Go play intramurals, brother...go play intramurals." - Dan Hawkins
"Hey kids: Do drugs." - Scott Pollard
"And you know what? It was not a nasty shot. Henderson was not looking for a cheap shot there. It was not an intentional foul at all. You can see right there he was going for the ball. It's one thing if a guy is going for a dirty punch....sucker play." - Billy Packer To be fair, this was only after 45 replays from multiple angles. Let see what he had to say a few days after the fact...
"This particular event was seen by three officials -- all six of their eyeballs. All 10 players were right there in the action. They were looking at it and, when it took place, here was not one guy who signaled intentional foul. ... But then all of a sudden, they go to the monitor, and things change. I thought they were over there because they didn't know which guy made the contact....If you really want to break this down, Henderson would have fallen on top of Hansbrough if he had been trying to hit him. He would have been like a defensive back who hits a wide receiver hard -- he basically goes right through him. And Henderson would have been looking at his point of contact. If I am trying to punch you in the face, I'm going to look right at you. Henderson wasn't looking at Hansbrough when he hit him. Alright, you're being stupid on purpose. That's the only possible explanation.
"Get back in the kitchen and fix me some bacon and eggs!" - Cedric Maxwell's advice for Violet Palmer
'Those ceremonies -- 'Oh, let's bring back those guys from 2005,' we're all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because his dad was on the ballclub -- fuck that' I don't need that bull. A bunch of fat guys, another one is broke. 'Hey, where's your ring?' 'Oh, I don't know, I sold that son of a bitch two years ago.''' - Ozzie Guillen
"Extraterrestrial activities. I believe in UFOs. I'm not a UFO nut, but I believe in life on other planets." - Kobe Bryant
"We gotta slow down, man. We gotta get him focused on football, man. He's focused on too much other shit. You know, I was talkin' to him the other day about smokin', and he was like 'man, if I didn't smoke I couldn't take all the stress that I'm dealing with right now.' Fisher's being as patient a motherf***** as he can. Fisher gotta win. Fisher trying to win. He ain't putting up with that shit." - Daryl Moore expressing his concern for Pacman Jones. Preach, Daryl, preach.
"San Antonio just beat us by what seemed like a hundred but I guess all that matters to him is he didn't get the minutes he thinks he deserves, so he's mad, which results in a displacement of anger," Thomas said. "What does he think, that throwing a cheap shot at me is going to keep him on the floor? Bottom line, I'm not putting up with any garbage from Brendan Todd Haywood, but at the same time, I do feel bad and upset with myself for allowing him to bait me." - Etan Thomas
"I'm just into the free money. That's it. I'll just do whatever when I get out there." - Ty Thomas, on how he plans to uphold the tradition of ruining the dunk contest
"All you guys can do is play video games and watch porn movies." Phil Jackson, explaining why he didn't give the Lakers any of his books to read
"I am a wide receiver expert." - Matt Millen Hilarious
"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States." - Tim Hardaway
"I think there was a subconscious barrier. I don't think it was directed at African Americans per se, but I think we had a vision of what a head coach looked like. The head coach of a successful team, to many people, looked like Vince Lombardi. It was a white, middle-aged coach who screamed fire and brimstone and that's what we saw in NFL Films and everything, and it was a great picture." - Tony Dungy Props, TD
"As long as you don't bring your gayness on me, I'm fine." - Shavlick Randolph
"Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick, perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness." - Steven Hunter
"If I don’t feel ouchy, I won’t be grouchy." - Kobe
"But him individually, it's funny. He doesn't seem to have much of a conscience. I really don't think he does. Some of the shots he took tonight, you miss those, and they're just terrible shots. Awful. You make them and they're unbelievable shots. I don't get a chance to play him much, so I haven't gotten used to that mentality of just chucking it up there." - Kobe
"The Gilbert Arenas Wing..."
"Quality shots." - What Gil started saying as he shot after those critiques from KB24
"My swag was phenomenal."
"You know, a hibachi grill gets real hot. That's what my shot's like, so I've been calling it that: 'Welcome to the hibachi'."
You know how I always throw my jersey into the stands after a game? In Washington, they just go crazy for it. So in this commercial, that's what I'm gonna do with my shoes. I've just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone's pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they're jumping off the ledge, they're missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people's faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff's going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she's looking back running—and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says—he's gonna have the only line in there—"They said I couldn't get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing." And then he rolls off.
"One college game that's five fouls, right? ... 40-minute game at Duke, they got soft rims I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."
“It’s like that thing I said about going back to college to score 84 points against Duke. When you really think about it, what does that even mean?”
"Theres no secret thing that he drinks before they game or that they rub on his ass before the game" - Bob Knight on Kevin Durant
"I'm reborn. It's not Mark Cuban, the benefactor. It's Mark Cuban, David Stern disciple....now it's just the added benefit of going to school at the University of David Stern." - Mark Cuban
"I attended the Bill Belichick school of discussing injuries." - Peyton Manning
"In the next 15 or 20 years, I hope I'll be the richest man in the world. That's one of my goals. I want to be a billionaire. I want to get to a position where generation on generation don't have to worry about nothing. I don't want family members from my kids to my son's kids to never have to worry. And I can't do that now just playing basketball." - The Global Icon
"Growing up, when you go to the park, people bring their own balls, you know? They bring Spaldings, they bring Fusions, they bring balls that've been ripped. Sometimes they bring balls with the little tittie popped out already, and they bounce and fly over here somewhere. So, I mean, you've got to play with it, you know? So I don't know what the big deal is. Let's play ball, you know what I'm saying?" - Caron Butler
"I don't know what it is. I've never been diagnosed with it. It's nothing new for me to fall asleep in a meeting. It goes back to my rookie year in San Francisco. My receivers coach [George Stewart] knew I would fall asleep. He thought I was staying up late, and sometimes I did. When I did get to bed early, I would still get to meetings and fall asleep, and it's the same thing here." - TO
"Now that's what I'm talking about. You come into our house, you should get your behind kicked. You don't come into the OB playing that stuff. You're across the ocean over there. You're across the city. You can't come over to our place talking noise like that. You'll get your butt beat. I was about to go down the elevator to get in that thing. I say, why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more? You don't come into the OB, baby. We've had a down couple years, but you don't come in here talking smack. Not in our house." - Lamar Thomas
"The Bears are what we thought they were. They are what we thought they were! We played them in the preseason. Who the hell plays the third game in the preseason like it's bullshit?! Bullshit! We played them in the third game. Everybody played three quarters. The Bears are who we thought they were!! That's why we took the damn field! If you want to crown them, just crown their ass!!! They are who we thought they were and we let them off the hook!!!"
"He worries about what people say about him and he Googles himself." - David Wells on Bud Selig My favorite quote of all time.
"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls." - Karl Malone
"Everybody who knows me knows how I get down." - Ron Mexico denying rumors that he's gay
"Wells Fargo will contribute $5,000 to the 49ers Foundation to help under-served youth in the Bay Area for every 49ers touchdown scored this season. [Pause] There's going to be a lot of sad kids." - Joe Starkey, 49ers radio broadcaster
"I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout." - Keith Hernandez
"Knock it off!" - Ryan Leaf
"Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive." - Kim Etheredge
"He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him. That little midget in my head said, 'That was a great catch, Ryan,' I said, 'Hey, Farney, I don't know if that was you who really caught that ball, but that was pretty good if it was.' Everybody thinks I talk to myself, so I tell 'em I'm talking to Farney.'" - Ryan Freel
"I did insult him, it’s true. I categorically did not call him a terrorist. I’m not cultured and I don’t even know what an Islamic terrorist is." - Materazzi
"Bonzi called me last week. I told him if he leaves, then I’m going to kill him. Unless he wants to die, he’s got to stay with the Kings." - Ron Artest
"I can't go to jail...Any car in life you want, I got it for you, man...I'll pay for it, I promise. Tomorrow, you'll have it tomorrow...You want a Hummer? You want a...not a Bentley...But it's like I'm, I'm drunk." - Eddie Griffin
"I'm traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop 85." - Chad Johnson
"I don't even know what he's talking about, I just worry about Jerome." - Jerome James, on allegations that he is selfish
Nutt said Dick wouldn't be ready for Arkansas' opener Sept. 2 against Southern California, and the team needs to move forward with a clear No. 1 quarterback. He hopes Johnson will be helped by having more experience than at this time last year.
“I just want to thank my hands for being so great." - Freddie Mitchell BONUS QUOTE FROM FREDDIE: "I draw crowds."
"He flexed a real hard juice card, I know that. So he definitely made me aware of what he can do. But that doesn't scare me at all." - Starbury
"If I wasn't playing basketball, I'd be a criminal. That's the only other thing I knew besides basketball. That's the only other thing that came natural to me besides basketball." - Mike James
The Jalen Rose Wing...
"Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over." - on LBJ
"He probably was a little tired from All-Star weekend. While he was running up and down the court throwing it off the backboard, I was laying on the beach drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella. So I probably gave myself an unfair advantage on that one."
"By the time we got to Detroit, it was almost 2 in the morning, because ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs."
"Was it for Richard Jefferson?" - Initial thoughts on the Vince Carter trade
"I'm a GM in fantasy basketball and I'm a GM on Playstation, so on Playstation I probably would have got a little more, but this is real life, so I don't know." - More thoughts, upon further reflection, on the VC trade
"Roses are red ... violets are blue ... if you look at another girl ... I will beat you." - Mrs. Christie
Why does the U.S. suck in international competition?
"My job is not to win a World Cup." - Bruce Arenas
"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American." - Ron Artest
Oh.
"Let's hug it out, you little bitches." - Jeremy Piven, during the Cubs 7th inning stretch
"You can’t arrest me. I’m a basketball player. I play for the Washington Wizards and I’m not going to leave my teammate." - Gibert Arenas allegedly
"If you miss both of those free throws, the game is over." - LeBron James
"We want the ball and we're going to score!" - Matt Hasslebeck
"Oh no. None of that. Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look man, I'm engaged. That would put me in trouble." - Mewelde Moore
"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes." - Marcus Camby
"We don't know where the cutoff is. Maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you'll get a scholarship from the commissioner." - David Stern Stern 1, Players 0
"Yes it was unanimous, 1-0, and I won." - David Stern Stern 2, Players 0
"I feel very Dominican." - A-Rod
"Let me start by telling you this: I have never used steroids. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never." - Rafael Palmeiro
"I'm not here to talk about the past. I want to talk about the future." - Mark McGuire
"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people. Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank [Aaron] and Jackie [Robinson] took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: How much am I supposed to take?" - John Rocker
"We sittin' in here, I'm supposed to be the franchise player, and we in here talkin' about practice. I mean listen, we talkin bout practice. Not a game, not a game, not a game. We talkin bout practice. Not a game, not a, not a, not the game that I go out there and die for, and play every game like its my last. Not the game. We talkin' bout practice, man. I mean how silly is that? We talkin' bout practice. I know I'm supposed to be there, I know I'm supposed to lead by example. I know that, and I'm not shovin' it aside, you know, like it don't mean anything. I know its important, I do. I honestly do. But we talkin' bout practice, man. What are we talkin' bout? Practice? We talkin' bout practice man." - AI
"Both teams played hard...Both teams played hard, my man, both teams played hard...Both teams played hard." - 'Sheed
"I thought it was a brilliant play. We almost got away with it. I was stuck in an alley, boys, there was no place to go. And I gave my karate. I only got to yellow belt, but I gave them my karate. And, again, I think Brandon's a great pitcher. I played with him in high school." - A-Rod
"It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person." - Stephen Jackson
"When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey." - Randy Moss
"I can't put it into words. Playing with a guy, living with a guy, just knowing that every day when I wake up that's something I can count on, that I'm going to be in practice or in a game with Cuttino. Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don't know what I'm going to wake up for." - Stevie Franchise after his um, friend Cuttino Mobley was traded
"There's Fredo, there's Sonny and there's Michael. The Godfather handed it over to Michael. I have no problem handing it over to Dwyane." - Shaq
"I'm like toilet paper, toothpaste and certain amenities -- I'm proven to be good. I've still got 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years left." - Shaq
"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok." - The Daddy
"To live like I ain't never lived before. If y'all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain't got no business making it for, don't bash me. Say it was a young guy living." - Clinton Portis
"You didn't write a story about my Hall of Fame induction. You guys never report the good stuff that I do." - Albert Belle
"I despise cool. I've never seen one frickin' person who was cool who I liked." - Roy Williams
"I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there [in Serbia-Montenegro]. He can go psycho on guys." - Sheed
"The knee feels fine, I've been training Confuciously." - Tyson
"It was an accident. Montecore understood the signals and wanted to save me. It was unfortunate that his teeth hit my carotid artery." - Roy
"I guess you can never domesticate them. Like I'm not domesticated, I'm never gonna be a domesticated person." - Tyson on Montecore the Tiger
I may have smoked too much weed, but I wasn't taking drugs or anything." - Tyson
"I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test. I failed a drug test because I was ready to quit football." - Ricky Williams
"I make love to pressure." - Stephen Jackson
"I would rather die in an abandoned building, by myself and my family not know anything, than play for him." - Shannon Sharpe on Tom Coughlin
"This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher." - Kevin Garnett
"I didn't understand the DNA stuff at all. To me, it was just a waste of time. It was way out there and carried no weight with me." - A juror after the OJ Simpson trial. Wow. Just wow.

1.	Portland: Greg Oden. Big men = titles. Sad but true.
2.	Seattle: Kevin Durant. Can he save basketball in Seattle? Nod your head.
3.	Atlanta: B. Wright. Marvin Williams + B. Wright = Chapel Hill owns ATL and CHA.
4.	Memphis: Yi Jianlian. This just feels right, doesn't it?
5.	Boston: Roy Hibbert. Best big man available. Gotta do it, Boston. Aaaaand, he's gone. Ver. 2.0 will take care of this, no worries.
6.	Milwaukee: Corey Brewer. Brewer. Milwaukee. Like. a. Glove. He is my second favorite player in the draft, too. Steal o' the draft.
7.	Minnesoata: Al Horford Free KG! Free KG!
2.	Charlotte: Jeff Green. Although they really should find a way to trade up for B. Wright.
9.	Chicago: Spencer Hawes Best big available. Don't even think twice, Chicago.
10.	Sacramento: Julian Wright. Gives them an explosive finisher.
11.	Atlanta: Mike Conley, Jr. Wonder if he'll last this long?
12.	Philly: Acie Law IV. And trade Andre Miller for another young dude or a pick, whatever you can get.
13.	NOOCH: Al Thorton He's old.
14.	LAC: Joakim Noah. I hope Linda Cohn calls him Jo-No. Fits, I think.

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	Detroit Pistons
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Thursday, April 20, 2006

What if there were no conferences...

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P.2.3.T.V.

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What's Been Said...

Words People Thought In Their Heads and Then Made Into Sentences and Then Actually Said Outloud

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	Cleveland Cavaliers
	Sacramento Kings

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	San Antonio Spurs
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