Unless "your" team is the Tigers, A's, Mets or Cardinals, you really don't care who wins the World Series. So I would imagine that after Tommy Lasorda coaxes you out of your kitchen cabinets, you're going to have to pick a team to root for.
(How dumb are those commercials by the way? You are either gonna watch the playoffs or you aren't - if you pay attention to baseball at all, you know when they are on. All those commercials do is piss off every fan who's team isn't in the playoffs. Especially the Red Sox one where the girl says "I'm a Yankee fan." If anything, those spots are making less people watch playoff baseball, if only because they smashed their TV the first time they saw them. Let's just let whoever does the commercials for Nextel handle all the commercials from now on and be done with it, alright?)
You can really use anything you want to decide what team to cheer for: who has the prettiest colors, your favorite player plays for them, who's mascot would win in a fight - but if you aren't emotionally attached to any team, you should really just go by this: How cool would it be if Team X won the World Series?
Here, then, is a little breakdown of just how cool it would be. Without further ado...
The Tony LaRussa factor alone relegates them to fourth place on the list. LaRussa might be a hell of a guy - he probably is, actually. But he just looks like that idiot in the bar with four buttons undone on his shirt and three skinny gold chains around his neck that unabashedly hits on all the 25 year olds in sight. He ends up giving the whole place a weird vibe - he's just frustrating to have around. Same with him on TV: the sooner I don't have to see close ups off his greasy black hair, the better.
Besides LaRussa, I'm not seeing anyone all that compelling to cheer for. Eckstein looks like he's 12, so I guess you could cheer for the team with a Little Leaguer playing shortstop. Edmonds is a cool dude to watch play - gives up his body making some sick catches. And if you want the opportunity to say "Poo Holes" for as long as possible, well then...this is the team for you. Oh, and they have one of the Molina Brothers, but at this point, who doesn't?
Its not that anyone should cheer against them, I just don't see why you would cheer for them if you didn't have to. I really don't see anyone you can attach yourself to and or story line worth getting wrapped up in. Moving on.
3. The New York Mets
If Pedro doesn't get hurt for the playoffs, then the Mets might be a little higher on this list. Pedro is always good for some snippy, brutally honest quotes that make only kinda make sense and an above average chance we'll get to see him carrying around a midget. Honestly, can you ask for more than that? No, no you can not.
(By the way: DOB - 8/23/58...so he's like 46 years old. And I'm not even buying that. He's at least 55. Why wouldn't he just tell us the truth? It's not like he's some guy defecting from Cuba or something, trying to get a better contract. At this point, I would be even more impressed, wouldn't you?)
And I don't know why, but David Wright and Carlos Beltran just seem like fun guys to cheer for. 'Member when Beltran went like 34 for 35 with 25 home runs for the Stros two years ago? I wouldn't mind seeing him go on a tear like that again.
The Mets lose points for spending alotta money to put this team together, even if they don't have any real pricks on it. Its never any fun when the team with the highest payroll in the playoffs ends up winning it all. They get bonus points for being from New York for the sole reason that it probably pisses off Yankee fans that they aren't even the best team in their own city. (Is that how that works? Do the Yankees hate the Mets? Or are they just another team? Or are they kinda like, "OK well, at least a team from NY won"? Some one explain this to me.)
When a team goes out of its way not to spend money in basbeall - baseball! - you have to cheer for them, right? The whole "Moneyball" thing alone is worth it, I think. Yea, it is. I just decided.
Can you imagine if they actually won the whole thing? I think everyone likes the whole Moneyball theory, but they kind of dismiss it as a cute gimmick that can keep you competitive, but isn't going to win you a World Series. Like, "OK, Oakland, that's adorable how you win games on a budget, but its the playoffs now, so either don't come at all or just do us a favor and lose in the first round, and we'll see you next year. You can pick up your checks at the front desk. Thanks for your time."
If they won, it would really make teams think twice about throwing cash at aging superstars. I really thought Oakland was idiotic for letting Miggy go a few years ago, but now Oakland is in the ALCS, and Baltimore fans are staging "Free the Birds" Nights and walking out en masse on their team. This prove two things, I think: I'm an idiot and Billy Beane is a smarty pants.
All of their guys seem like the kind of player who would go flying after a pop-up, slam into a wall, fall into the dirt - make the catch - and then not even bother to brush the dirt from their uniforms. Hard to cheer against those kind of players. But if the A's won it all, it still wouldn't be as cool as if the Series was won by...
1. The Detroit Tigers
Two things have me convinced the Tigers need to win the World Series: their on-field celebration after winning the ALCS and Jim Leyland.
I didn't see the Tigers celebrate knocking The Biggest Payroll in Sports out of the playoffs live, but I caught some of the highlights later on, and let me be the first to tell you...there aren't too many cooler celebrations in the history of sports. Running out onto the field and spraying champagne on your fans? That's top of the line right there. I was split on whether it would be cooler if Detroit won or Oakland won, but after that celebration, it's not even close.
Say what you will about Detroit, but they sure do get their fans involved. First Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson, and now this. Going to a game in Detroit - any game - has potential no other place really has.
Reason No. 2 is Jim Leyland. Is there a more bad ass manager in the majors right now? Remember that tirade he had at the beginning of the year? Remember how the media drilled him for it? Lookin' pretty smart now, isn't it? And I think this pretty much ends the "Are Managers Actually Important" debate once and for all.
Leyland just seems like the guy who knows exactly he right way to do everything and is pissed off that he has to explain it to everyone. He must be some kind of motivator, too. I'd love to play for him.
And Detroit absolutely cleans up in the cool players to cheer for department. Pudge - who doesn't win with him on their team? He's baseball's answer to Robert Horry. Verlander - if you don't think I'm tuning in just to see him hit triple figures on the radar gun, you're nuts. Carlos Guillen, Joel Zumaya, Brandon Inge (yes, I had to look these names up)...these guys just seem fun to watch and cheer for. That closer with the crazy 'stache.
Its one thing to cheer for an underdog in basketball or football, where at least there is a salary cap and some semblance of an even playing field. But in baseball, where the salary structure is so out of whack, its an entirely different thing. Teams in baseball are doormats because they just can't afford to compete - more so in football and hoops, anyways. So its absolutely enjoyable - at least for me - to see someone spend under $100 million and win the World Series.
As long as someone from the AL wins it all this year, that's cool with me.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Who to Cheer For
Friday, October 06, 2006
Week Five Picks
For the rest of the season, there will be four NFL "experts" making their picks in this space. Zero - my college teammate, Pick 'em Page - my high school teammate, and Kilcs, who I've known since high school and he beat me one-on-one once and I didn't talk to him for a week. Anyways, here's their picks with mine. We'll keep a running tally and everything. Whoever has the most wins at the end of the season gets a prize. Which is probably nothing.
Onto the picks...
Buffalo at Chicago (-10.0)
Point23: Chicago. That defense at home won't give up a touchdown, and you won't find anymore more entrenched on the Sexy Rexy Grossman bandwagon than me. Except maybe Zero.
Pick 'em Page: Buffalo's defense is going to surprise people in this game. Could be a let down for the Bears, but they still cover 20-9.
Kilcs: Buffalo. Buffalo went into New England where everyone expected them to get hammered and only lost by two. The defense (starting fo the Psychos this week) is too good to get blown out and Chicago has to comeback to earth eventually?
Cleveland at Carolina (-8.0)
Point23: Carolina. I wish I had more hard-hitting analysis than "Cleveland is bad" and "Carolina is good," but that's about it.
Zero: Cleveland. Browns are young, ‘Thers are old. Tha Soulja makes his daddy proud and one of the Panthers RBs is out for the year. Just a guess.
Pick 'em Page: I just can't take a team that was down 21-3 to the Raiders. Panthers 26-10.
Kilcs: Carolina. I think Carolina's really really good. The pass rush will get to Charlie Frye, who is very turnover prone and Steve Smith will continue his domination of the league.
Detroit at Minnesota (-7.0)
Point23: Detroit. I'm telling you: Minnesoata is not good. Not that Detroit is exactly setting the world on fire, but Roy Williams' 40 points are coming sometime this season. If not, I'll go through a drive through naked.
Zero:Vikings. Simmons says always bet against Martz, no wait, I hate him. Lions in a romp.
Pick 'em Page: Detroit will give the Vikings all they can handle..Vikings run game will wear Lions out in the 2nd half. Vikings 27-24.
Miami at New England (-10.0)
Point23: New England. Last week, New England annihilated a QB coming off knee surgery who is actually having a good year. Now they play one who is single-handedly derailing his franchise. Gulp.
Zero: The Pats. C’mon Coach Saban, give it to Ronnie 35 times, your not gonna win anyway. Do they play the Raydas at all this year?
Pick 'em Page: Late touchdown will be enough for Miami to cover. Patriots 30-22.
Kilcs: Patriots. Speaking of teams that suck, Miami can't beat Houston at home. Now they go to the Patriots who are still pissed that everyone said Miami would win the division instead of them. Joey Harrington get ready.
St. Louis (-3.0) at Green Bay
Point23: Green Bay. Anyone wanna give Favre a little love around here? Anyone? No? Alright, I will. Favre only does bad against teams that force turnovers. STL does not fall into that category. It says here Favre and Greg Jennings recreate Marino and Duper for a night and "upset" the Rams.
Zero: Rams. Lambo field, Shambo field
Pick 'em Page: Shoot out...Packers secondary won't be able to hold up. Rams 31-24.
Kilcs: St. Louis. The offense started to click last week for the Rams and the defense has played well with the exception of last week. I think the Rams are a playoff team and I think Green Bay wins maybe 3-4 games all year.
Point23: You are out of your mind if you pick against NO in that Dome. As Reggie Bush would say, "That was dumb." By the way: Reggie gets his first TD. Mark it down.
Zero: New Orleans. Bruce who? My newest addition Colston goes off on an old Bucs secondary.
Pick 'em Page: Don't bet against the Saints at home this year. Saints 24-14.
Kilcs: New Orleans. CAN YOU CALL THE PLAY!? Gradkowski is starting for the Bucs who have had no semblence of a running game and will have no semblence of a passing game either. Not a good combination and the Saints will still be pumped about playing in the Dome.
Tennessee at Indianapolis (-19.0)
Point23: Indianapolis. Prove me wrong, Vince Young.
Zero: Indy. Or you can root for Peyton Manning's team.
Pick 'em Page: Vinatieri will outscore the Titans offense. Colts 41-10.
Kilcs: Tennessee. Tennessee lost by 31 last week. I don't ever remember seeing an NFL line this big and the Titans are starting VY and the Colts have Manning, but I just can't feel good about laying 19 points. The Colts will by up by 19 @ some point in the game but garbage points will get the cover for the Tits.
Washington at N.Y. Giants (-5.0)
Point23:Washington. The Giants shouldn't even have a win. I'm openly rooting for Jeremey Shockey to throw Tom Coughlin like the little bean bag things refs throw when someone fumbles.
Zero: ‘Skins. If you think I’m picking against Dolomite Jones and the boys, your out of your bufu mind. (No the ghey.) Vote for Santana.
Pick 'em Page: I hate taking the racists to cover in this one, but the Giants will win 23-19.
Kilcs: The Giants are ready to implode. Coughlin's antics have been wearing on the team for years and they just don't like to play for the guy and Washington's catching on to the 700 page play book.
Point23: Kansas City. With Edge useless, the KC D has a field day with Party Boy (Jackas Two is unreal, by the way). Damon Huard's confidence level is through the roof, too. And How crazy is it that Larry Johnson isn't even my main concern?
Zero: Kansas City. Let’s see, they beat the Niners 41-0. It doesn’t look like Matt Leinart is gonna have a good homecoming. On the other hand, Denny Green tightens the noose around his neck a little more.
Pick 'em Page: KC ranks 2nd in the NFL in pass defense. Long day for Leinhart, but they still keep it close. KC 16-14.
Kilcs: I think Arizona has too much talent to be 3.5 point dogs @ home to the Chiefs who are starting one of the Huard brothers. I think Leinhart plays solid and Fitz has a huge day.
N.Y. Jets at Jacksonville (-7.0)
Point23: New York. When Leftwhich learns how to bend his elbow when he throws, maybe I'll pick Jacksonville. I'd pay money to see him throw a fade.
Zero: Jags. I really don’t have anything fun to say about this game other than the fact that both teams wear some shade of green.
Pick 'em Page: Jets offense won't ever get off the ground...Leftwich will throw for 2 scores. Jags 24-13.
Kilcs: Jacksonville is a nasty, physical team. Going up against the yougn Jets O-line, even without Stroud or Wiley, the Jags will be all over Pennington all day and Kevan Barlow, who sucked in SF still sucks.
Oakland at San Francisco (-3.5)
Point23: San Francisco. Here's how bad Oakland is: The Niners just got beat 41-0 by Damon Huard and they are favored by 3.5.
Zero: 49ers. You thought I would pick the Raiders didn’t you? You did. Sucks to be you.
Pick 'em Page: I'd rather watch the Athletics and Giants play two hand touch. A's win 3-2.
Kilcs: Randy joined Jerry's party and doesn't care. Neither does the rest of the team. San Francisco has a bunch of young guys that do care.
Point23: Philly. in a route, too. Donnie Mac has had it up to here with all this TO bullshit, and he's gonna go off. I'm thinkin 4, maybe 5 TDs...easily 300 yards through the air - maybe 400.
Zero: As much as I hate to do this. Cowboys. I have a bad feeling about this. The Eagles are gonna be so geeked to just lay a lick on The Player and get caught up in all the hoopla they they are gonna forget about Terry “Fifth Member of Bone Thugs” Glenn and Drew “Not Ryan Leaf” Bledsoe. I could see Roy Williams decapitating Greg Lewis though.
Pick 'em Page: Eagles will double team Owens, which will open things up for Glenn. Dallas wins on a late field goal, 20-17.
Kilcs: I hate Donovan McNabb (4 tds monday, nobody could tackle him or pussy-footing Greg Lewis?) They haven't beaten anybody all year that's any good and TO and JJ will have good games and Terry, she'll have a good game too. But mainly I just hate Philly.
Pittsburgh at San Diego (-3.5)
Point23: Pittsburgh. The Stees will cover, but they won't win outright. Big Ben and Phil Rivers will keep this one close with TO's against two phenomenal defenses. Time to hit the panic button, Pittsburgh. Sidenote: who has a more embarrassing sack celebration: Merriman's light switch or Larry Foote putting out the cigarette?
Zero: This is even harder for me though. Big Ted likes to play against all those teams that passed over him. Well, this week Phillip Rivers shows why he went to an ACC school and Big Ted did not. The Bolts by a touch. Plus, you know all the Chargers are on that leannnnnnnn.
Pick 'em Page: The champs are coming off a bye and looking at this as a must win. Rivers will be confused early and often with their blitz packages. Steelers 23-16.
Kilcs: SuperBowl champs need a win. Roethlisberger will play better and Cowher's like .750 in primetime games or something pretty crazy. Everybody's counting the Steelers out, but with the strength of their division they know that they have to win and will.I hate Philly.
Baltimore at Denver (-4.0)
Point23: Denver. I hope that was fun last week, Mr. McNair. That Denver D locked up Tom Brady; I'm sure they can concoct some scheme to slow down Steve McNair. Not a blowout, but never really interesting either.
Zero: Ravens stay undefeated on a very, very boring Monday Night game. Can we get one compelling game on Monday night this year. Like a crazy ass shootout or something, which this one obviously won’t be. I hate Ray Lewis, but not as much as Jake Plummer.
Pick 'em Page: Denver has the most underrated defense in the league, only allowing 10.3 ppg. Broncos win this one in a low scoring affair at Mile High, 17-12.
Kilcs: I think MileHigh or Comquest or whatever the hell it's called is a huge home field advantage. Everybody's talking about Ray Lewis (who runs around with murderers, but hated Playmakers) and co. in Baltimore but the best defense in this game is Denver's and Mcnair is out of miracles.
In Praise of the Stiff Arm
You know what move I never understood? The stiff arm.
I always wondered why the defender just didn't grab the arm that was being thrown in his face and swing the ball carrier to the ground. I mean, the point is to get as far away from the defenders as possible, right? So why give the guy trying to tackle you something else to grab onto? It just never seemed like the most well-thought out thing in the world. To me, at least.
I think I failed to take a few things into consideration: First, its pretty damn difficult to tackle someone just by the arm. Dudes in the NFL are kinda strong. And it’s not like the arm is just flailing there, like a towel or Troy Polamalu's hair. It’s stiff, remember? Players using the stiff arm positively crush it against thier would-be tackler's facemask. The where-the-hell-did-that-come-from? jolt alone is worth another five yards. Throw in the fact that no one in the NFL can tackle anyways (Seriously. They can't. Everyone either goes for the big hit and misses entirely or just grabs someone and tries to fall over with them. Wrap up!) and its a pretty effective weapon.
I don't know if I wasn't really paying attention before or no one really used it that much or what, but I thought it was about the second dumbest thing to do in football, right behind throwing a fade from the two-yard line. (That play never, ever, ever works, unless you throw it to Randy Moss, Plaxico Burress, Larry Fitzgerald, Chris Chambers...and that's pretty much it. Maybe a few other guys or if you are playing the Giants. Why just throw it up? If your running game can't get it in from the 2 with 4 chances, you're gonna lose anyways, so I guess it really doesn't matter.)
So, Stiff Arm, I'd just like to say welcome back, or welcome to prominence, or just wutup with a man hug, because after week four, its pretty clear you're gonna be around for a while. I can think of three from the last couple of weeks alone that were just absolutely devastating.
Here's the three I could think of, in order of embarrassment for the defender.
That Colts defender wasn't going to stop that TD anyways, but he still got planted. He just got put flat on his back. If Cotchery (out of no where fantasy star, by the way) stiff arms him at the 10, I think he still gets in the end zone. Cotchery didn't even really have to do it. It was kind of a "I'm going to score and watch this!" thing. Ouch.
Getting up after getting stiff armed...there can't be that many more embarrassing things in football, can there? Maybe Plaxico spiking the ball for the Steelers his rookie season when no one touched him. But not much else. I do not envy No. 41 in the film room Tuesday afternoon. You know it's coming, you know everyone is waiting for it, and you just have to sit there in silence waiting for it, while everyone pretends not to laugh. Hurts Sunday, hurts Tuesday.
Still, I don't feel as bad for him as I do for...
...Michael Adams. This hurts on a few levels. First of all, he got stiff armed by Brian Westbrook, who isn't exactly known for his bruising running style. Second, Westbrook didn't even knock him down. He just kept him at arm's length, like
If you’re Adam, why not dive at his legs or something? He didn't even have to tackle him! Westbrook was tiptoeing the sideline - just give him a little shove and it's all over. That was just a pathetic effort. I think I'm more stunned at Adam's sorry attempt than I am impressed with Westbrook's stiff arm. No wonder the Niners gave up 41 points to Damon Huard.
On a personal note: its not like the Niners really had a chance of winning, but whenever someone on your team gets humiliated like that, it still stings. Throw in the fact that my fantasy opponent had Westbrook that week, and I had McNabb, and I ended up losing a nailbiter...that's a dagger. You know if
Fast forward to 5:40. Its worth it. Trust me.
This...this is just absurd. Maroney absolutely annihilates that guy for the Bengals. (I think Chris Henry found himself a drinking buddy for that night.) Not that I've seen that many, but this is the most devestating stiff arm I've ever witnessed (if you've got better ones - or just other ones - I'd love to see them.) He went down like Maroney ducked his shoulder, Earl Campbell style, and run his ass over.
Maroney stiff armed his so hard, the guy does a complete flip. How do explain that one on the sidelines? What's Marvin Lewis even going to say to him? He just has to walk to the sideline, unbuckle his chin strap in disgust and stand there with his hands on his hips in disbelief, like it was some fluke and he can't begin to comprehend how it happened in the first place.
But he's really thinking to himself, "If Maroney becomes a star (which he will), people are going to be watching that highlight 20 years from now, like that time Barry Sanders turned that poor sap from the Patriots around three times. I am really, really screwed for a really, really long time."
That cornerback for the Packers got cut for getting torched; explain to me why this guy shouldn't be cut for getting truck-sticked like he was on a video game? And if you get cut from the Packers' secondary, that's pretty much it, right? I mean, maybe the Patriots will call for some spot duty in late-December when Troy Brown gets fed up, but the career is pretty much in the tank when the Packers tell you that you can't cover someone.
I'm just geeked for the stiff arm moving up the charts on the Random Sports Moments That No One is Expecting But Are Exciting as Hell List. Its right up there with a an outfielder robbing a home run or an alley-oop from half court. As far as I'm concerned, the more stiff arms, the better.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
WEEK 4 PICKS
Hey, look whats back after a two-week hiatus. Some picks!
Winners in bold.
Indianapolis (-8.5) at NY Jets
If JP Losman and can team up with Roscoe Parrish and Lee Evans to torch the Jets secondary, something is telling me Peyton and Marvin will figure out a way to get it done. The Bills figured out the blue print, the Colts will execute it!
On a side note: can Joseph Addai get it going please? Your fast, aren't you? Teams are freaking back peddling even before the snap. There's no threat of a run at all. You can't crack of 75 yards? And if you think I'm complaining because Shaun Alexander just trashed my fantasy backfield and my lack of foresight as Addai as my No. 3 back, well...you're right.
San Diego (-2.5) at Baltimore
Merriman vs. Lewis? The current GOAT vs. the future GOAT? Could be, could be. Hopefully Merriman can beat a murder rap as well as his mentor, too. Judging by San Diego's recent off the field antics, sounds like that's whats on tap. The Bengals might have the Bolts in quantity, but when it comes to quality, the Bolts are the team to beat. Getting shot four times by an off duty cop - and not haulting? Getting busted for shipping massive quantities of cough syrup to make lean? C'mon! They didn't even do that shit on Playmakers!
Minnesota at Buffalo (pick 'em)
This is the week the wheels come off in Lake Minatonka. I'm just not buying into Minny as a good team. And I think the Bills are on the semi-rise. You know, kinda like the calm before the storm.
Dallas (-10) at Tennessee
Vince Young makes his pro starting debut. The Dallas defense has a collective boner.
San Francisco (+7) at Kansas City
Who the hell would have guessed the Niners would ever be a touchdown favorite at any point during this season? On the road, none the less. This says more about how much KC sucks than how good San Fran is going to be. The offense has a chance to be downright frisky - Alex Smith starting to mature, The Biggest Head in the NFL emerging as a threat in the backfield, Antonio Bryant and Vernon Davis making plays in the passing game. Its not exactly the greatest show on turf, but those are some legitimate weapons, kinda.
New Orleans (+7) at Carolina
Is New Orleans for real? Or did they play two crappy teams and then win on pure emotion last week? I say a little of both. Take NO and the points.
Arizona (+7.5) at Atlanta
Its tough to say which QB played worse last week. Mike Vicked one-hopped more passes than Chuck Knoblock, but Kurt Warner fumbled the game away. Tough call, we'll give the nod to Kurt though. With Warner playing for his starting job, and the NL catching onto Atlanta's little option read play - idn't work so well last week vs. the NO, did it? - it says here The Buzzsaw keeps it close, but the ATL pulls out a close one off the foot of Morten Anderson. Morten then says something like "I remember kicking when the ball was actually made out of pigskin!" and the whole room pretends to laugh. Good times, good times.
Miami (-3.5) at Houston
How the hell is Miami getting over 3 points against anyone? I know Houston sucks, but are they worse than Tennesse? Miami only beat them by 3 - they barely escaped.
Duant Culpepper has been sacked more than anyone in the NFL; Mario Williams hasn't gotten a sack yet. Is this the week Super Mario pops his cherry? I say yes; Houston not only covers, but wins the game outright - big day from David Carr - and the game leads off Sports Center because Culpepper snaps and throws his helmet at Joey Harrington.
Detroit (-5.5) at St Louis
I think the Detroit offense is starting to get it. They aren't going to scre Roy Williams' desired 40 points, but they'll score enough to at least cover. Seems like the type of game where both teams do as much as they can to lose, and whoever messes up last loses. Those games are usually close. I'm taking the points.
New England (-5.5) at Cincinnati
New England either wins a close game, or Cincinnati absolutely blows them out of the water. There's no in between. This is either a Hey, We're Still Really Good Game for the Pats, or a Hey, We're Freakin' Monsters Game for the Bengals. As much as I'd like to see the Pats pull it off, I don't think its happening. Jake Plummer played well against them for God's sake. That's not a good sign. Cincinnati by 2+ touchdowns.
Jacksonville (-3) at Washington
This might be the lowest scoring game of the year. Both of these teams have frustratingly bad offenses. Frustrating because both sides have playmakers: Portis and Santana for the Naturally Indiginious People, Matt Jones and Maurice Jones-Drew for the Jags. For whatever reasons, they can't seem to put points on the board (and by "whatever reasons" I mean their respective QB's. Have you seen Leftwhich throw? He looks like Dontrelle Willis.)
The Jags D will make a couple plays and Mark Brunell will have to actually throw the ball more than four yards down field, which won't be beneficial for the Skins.
Cleveland (-3) at Oakland
Battle of the winless goes to Cleveland. Oakland is so atrocious. I'm just excited to see what stunt Joey Porter pulls. I've never cheered more passionately for a team to fail that I had no vested interest in more than the Raiders. I want them to go 0-16 so, s0 badly. I would be ecstatic. God make this happen.
Seattle (+3.5) at Chicago
With Shaun Alexander, the threat of the run is gone, and I think that's what allowed The Hasslebeck to pass so effectively. That, and Tom Coughlin being having Jeremey Shockey and the Giants completely unprepared. When the Bears face a one-demensional offense - no matter how good that demension is - I think that favors them. Even with all four of those B-list WRs running around.
Sexy Rext will do enough to get the Bears a solid win.
Green Bay (-11) at Philadelphia
If the Philly secondary was healthy, I'd take the Iggles in a heart beat. But they have four guys with nagging injuries; their entire secondary is in tatters. Favre 2.0 seems rejuvenated enough that he can sling it around enough to keep it close.
You know what? Scrap that. The Eagles are going to score on their first 5 possessions. Trailing, the Pack is gonna be forced to throw, and the Philly D line will be living in Green Bay's backfield. That means Favre forcing throws. That means good things for Philly.
Favre can't keep this up all season, can he? Monday Night seems like an appropriate time for the train to come flying off the tracks. I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to hearing John Madden defend Favre's 5th pick of the night.
Happy Sunday.
Friday, September 29, 2006
The Ten Best Players in the NBA.
Did you know NBA training camp starts in, like, a week? Totally does. I had no idea. In honor of me not knowing that, here are Point 23's Top 10 Best Players in the League.
Full disclosure: ranking the best ten players in the NBA isn't exactly an original idea, but the inspiration came from Dime Mag's Top 10, via True Hoop. Oh, and Jones on the NBA ranked his, too. And um, Bench Renaldo had one. Whew.
Come on, I'm gonna read all those and not throw my two cents in?
So how are we defining best? Best one-on-one player? Best team player? "If You Were Starting a Team Today...?" Most unstoppable? Best scorer? Best all around player? Most valuable? How 'bout we define it like this: "best." There, that was easy, wasn't it? One thing we won't be doing is using stats, I can tell you that much. You aren't better because you average 29.4 and I average 27.3.
Toughest Omissions: AI, 'Melo, KG, Agent 0, Paul Pierce, CP3, Dwight Howard, Elton Brand, Kirk Hinrich (I know, I know...leave me alone). I'm really, really sorry fellas. I still got your backs though (pounds chest twice, points). You know who wasn't tough to leave off? Shaq. If we were making a "Top 10 Greatest Complimentary Players in the NBA," he'd be a lock for No. 1. Onto the list...
The Kings went from an after ran to nearly knocking off the No. 1 seed in the Western Conference in the playoffs just by adding him. He's felt all over the court - literally.
For an opponent, there can't be a more frustrating person to play against. He would completely get in your head on defense, that's a given. But on offense, he looks so goofy. He pats the ball rather than dribbling it; he doesn't craddle the ball, he just kind of smacks at it. He's so unorthodox. He's the kind of guy you'd hate giving up 20 points to, more so than a "normal" looking player, if that makes any sense.
The fact that he's a headcase who has a very real chance of doing something that may get him permanently banned is a mild concern yes (and by mild I mean huge), but I think he's worth it.
9. Yao. Silently, the best center in the L. And silently is the key word here, because his lack of a killer instinct is kind if disheartening. There's really no reason he shouldn't score 30 every night. Yea, 30. That said, his skill set is pretty impressive - short jumpers, some over-the-shoulder moves, deft passer (I love deft passers, but why are only passers are deft? Why aren't there any deft shooters? Or deft ballhandlers?) and shot changer around the basket. Besides Shaq, I think he's the only center even worth while.
8. T. Mac. Mr. Sad Guy is the complete package. We're talking ideal circumstances here: his back doesn't go out and he stays happy all season long.
If God was going to design a basketball player, T. Mac is it. Long as hell, athletic as hell, range he doesn't even need. How easy does he make basketball look? Does he even sweat? Remember how Artest seems like the kind of guy you'd be furious to let score 20 on you? T. Mac seems like the kind of guy who could drop 35 on you and you wouldn't even be that mad.
He gets knocked for taking a lot of off balance jumpers, and the fact that he hasn't really won anything yet (that "its nice to be in the second round" comment will forever haunt him), but he is a winner: remember those four 3's in under a minute against San Antionio? Unreal. But still...maybe the reason him and Yao haven't really won anything is because both of them lack that killer instinct. This seems like a big season for the both of them, though. I'll be excited to see big things out of them.
7. Amare. Hey look, its Stevie's teammate. Amare's skills are still pretty raw, I think (all things being relative), but he's so uber-ridiculously-freaky athletic that he could have the coordination of Shawn Bradley and it wouldn't matter. You literally just give him the ball on the elbow, he fakes one way, goes the other, takes one dribble and two steps, and just crushes it. He's absolutely unguardable, and he doesn't even really have any moves. (OK, that's kind of unfair. He has some moves, but I don't think you'll see him do the Dream Shake or bust out Kevin McHale's up-and-under any time soon.) And its not like people are even playing his jumper - how thrilled do you think everyone would be if he shot 20 15-footers every game? They know what he's doing and they are still helpless.
Sitting out the majority of last season hurts his cause though. Once he gets back to 100%, he'll likely move up the list. I'm sure he's very concerned with that.
5. Steve Nash. The two-time MVP is far and away the best point guard in the league. He's really playing differently than any other point guard; he sees and reacts to things differtly. Whether he makes the system or the system makes him is really irrelevant at this point: the production can't be ignored. He got criticized as not being MVP-worthy (um, not by me or anything...) because he wasn't a pure scorer but more a distributor.
Nash can dominate a game in two ways, though: in the open court and transition, where there isn't anyone better, not even Jason Kidd. And in the half-court, he dominates the ball and directs traffic flawlessly. He'll literally hold the ball for the entire shot clock, and then at the last second find someone for a layup or open 3. Its uncanny.
Look how far he took a shallow Suns team in the playoffs - his second best player is the wildly over rated Shawn Marion and after that its a couple of foreign guys nobody quite wanted. Kinda remarkable, no? And yea, those guys are perfect for that system. But Nash is the reason why.
5. Dirk Nowitzki.You know what I like? When a player gets criticized for a weakness in their game and then goes out and shuts everyone up. Dirk got hammered for being a soft jump shooter, so he made it his personal mission to crash the boards - especially on offense - and put the ball on the floor and get to the rim, especially in the playoffs. Throw in his clutch shooting and his little temper tantrums (they are so adorable, Dirk), and we may have a monster on our hands for years to come. As long as he doesn't take his contract money and pull a Shaun Alexander, that is.
Now, those last six players are highly, highly debatable. There's a ton of players you could throw in there and it wouldn't be absurd: see Omissions, Toughest. (I can't believe I left Iverson off this list. I really can't.), probably some more. These next four though, I think, have to be considered the best four players in the League. Some Nash apologist will claim the two-time MVP should be here, but I don't think so. These are the top four, and that's pretty indisputable. Shuffle them around in any order - that's cool - but these have to be the top four. Have to be.
Think of it this way: of the six guys we mentioned above - or anyone else for that matter - could you make a convincing argument that they are the best player - bar none No. 1 - in the entire NBA? Absolutely not. Could you me that same argument for the next four guys? Most certainly. That seems like a good dividing line to me.
4. Tim Duncan. He's really good. Fundamental as hell. Moves and counter moves galore. Automatic double team, and he's patient and successful out of it.Pretty much an automatic deuce every time he touches it. I don't feel like talking about him though. Let's get to the Big Three.
Farther out than that though, and things get a little dicey. His range is suspect, although he did flash some distance in the playoffs. Which is why I don't understand why more teams don't go under the ball screens the Heat set for him; wouldn't you rather he launched a three or long J rather than slicing to the basket? And is there anyone in the league better at splitting the double-teams off the ball screen? Answer: No, there isn't.
Wade's height and help keeps him locked at the No. 3 spot, though. The two players ahead of him just out-tall him, which just makes them tougher to handle. Plus the next two guys both play on clearly inferior teams, which changes how they are guarded. They are without a doubt the focal points of their offenses. Playing with Shaq, Wade enjoys a benefit and a luxury that the next two guys don't get to enjoy. Not really Wade's fault, but still. He can fall down seven times and stand up eight. No one else can do that. (Know why? Cuz its impossible. D Wade can literally do the impossible.)
2. LeBron. There is no bigger LeBron apologist than me, and I really don't enjoy Kobe all that much, so this hurts a little. That said, he's still just the second best player in the L. Not that that's the worst thing in the world.
LeBron is the basketball equivalent of a five-tool player in baseball. He can shoot, get to the rim, pass with the best of them, post-up, and excel in transition. He's clearly superior at some of these aspects than others; no one is tougher one-on-one in transition and his ability to get to the rim is on par with the best in the league, and you'd be hard pressed to find a better, more creative passer in the league (its considerably easier to find open people when four guys are guarding you, but when you're teammates can't catch, it kind of evens things out). Yea, he can shoot, but it isn't really a reliable weapon - yet. And his post up game is raw, consisting mainly of him banging a few times and then elevating over his defender - and there isn't anyone he can't elevate over. His athleticism and his natural build really give him a weapon that not many people can fall back on. And for right now at least, that's more than anyone in the L can handle.
Still, his effort on the defensive end is questionable at best. Its not that he can't lock up - he just doesn't sometimes. And he's been knocked for being to passive (I'm not buying it, but still). You can't really knock his effort as a teammate, he defers almost - almost - to a fault. In a few years, he could be a player the likes of which they L has never seen (was that dramatic enough for you?). He's not quite there yet - he's close - but not quite there yet.
The Mamba really has no weaknesses. Pressure him on the perimeter and he's getting to the rim before you are even in your stance. Back off, and its buckets - from, like, really far away, too. He handles double-teams better than anyone in the league - which I guess makes sense, since he sees more of them than anyone in the league. His post up game is ridiculous, just an endless series of pivots and headfakes. And we haven't even gotten to his best move yet: his fadeaway, which he can get off over either shoulder, and either swish or bank it. When he misses, you're absolutely stunned, and when he does make it, the ball positively rips through the net - wap! He's clutch as hell, too. With the game on the line, there is no one else you'd rather have taking the shot - and frankly, its not even close. Dude is an cold-blooded assassin with ice water in his veins. (That's why he's cold-blooded, because of the ice in his veins, get it? He might be the first cold-blooded snake though. I'ma have to look into that.) Plus he can shoot left handed and is a beast on the defensive end of the court.
Here's what impresses me most about Kobe, and he's the only player in the NBA - at least that I've seen - that can consistently do it: Kobe will catch the ball on the wing, a step behind the three point line, with his defender draped all over him. He'll jab, headfake, ballfake, fake the drive, whatever - and get off a J. Here's the thing: He doesn't use a dribble, and gets wide open. I mean, the defender is staggering while Kobe is rising up, completely alone. How many other players can absolutely free themselves without even dribbling?
Kobe's passing gets knocked, but he's a more than able passer who would just rather take a tough shot than pass - and honestly, can you blame him? He actually had a solid number of assists for a 2-guard last season. His effort to be a good teammate is almost comically forced, like he read a manual on how to be a good teammate, tried to act it out, but is just convincing no one. His past seems to influence this more than anything - hey, at least he's trying to be a good teammate now, eh?
So while he may not be the NBA's best teammate, he's clearly its best player. And if you disagree, well...you don't really now what you're talking about. That's how good he is.
(At least until Bronny get himself a J.)
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Did the Fancy Little Football Person Really Try to Kill Himself?
Did TO try to kill himself? I don't know; I mean, I guess he has 25 million reasons not to, right? (Classy.) So why would he?
So: haha.
A day later, though, and this is really all I can think of: How big of a jerk - I mean, an absolute asshole - do you have to be that you can try to kill yourself and it changes no one's opinion of you? I really can't think of anything that would make someone a more sympathetic figure than a suicide attempt...maybe if their entire family was slaughtered or something. But if you want to make people at least feel bad for you, I'd say suicide is pretty much your best bet.
Think of what a conniving, unbelievable prime dona someone must be that when you hear that he tried to commit suicide, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Yea right. He's faking it. Another typical TO publicity stunt."
TO tried to kill himself (allegedly! I know!) and it made people dislike him even more. Good Lord. That's no small feat.
If anything, this should show TO exactly what the rest of the world actually thinks of him. You can ignore it all you want, but when everyone thinks you tried to kill yourself, and people hate you more, well...that's no good, homie.
Personally, I believe the police. Why the hell would they make something like that up? Well, let's put it this way: I believe them more than TOs publicist, Kim Etheridge. And because of this gem from the captain of the investigating officers:
"The officers reacted because they were called to this location to do this job. Now they're being put under a microscope by some fancy little football person. Give me a break. Those officers are 10 times better than this man."
-- Senior Cpl. Glenn White
A fancy little football person? That's fabulous. Did he take his beret off before he said that? Who is this guy's superior officer, Mango?
Up to this point, I was completely fed up with TO. I changed the channel anytime he came on TV. He was so overhyped and focused on, it was infuriating. His hammy. His finger. I didn't really care. But if all of TO's bullshit antics are going to lead to quote about "fancy little football people," then I'm all for it.
Fancy little football people. That's worth all of it, TO. Absolutely.
Can't Bonds Just Go to Jail Instead?
So Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada are going to jail. Williams and Fainaru-Wade are the two reports who wrote Game of Shadows and proved once and for all that Barry Bonds, among others, used the cream and the clear. They're going to jail because they won't reveal who leaked them Bonds' and others' sealed grand jury testimony.
Now, I can see both sides here. The government needs to know who the leak is - the US government can't have supposedly confidential testimony made public knowledge. It undermines the entire legal system. They government is trying to get to the bottom of something, and they need to be able to go about it discreetly and privately, if for no other reason that to let its "informants," for lack of a better word, speak freely.
On the other hand, Williams and Fainaru-Wada (Did you ever notice they are always credited in this order, even though it isn't alphabetical? I swear its so the writer can put of typing 'Fainaru-Wada,' even if just for a second longer. It really is a chore. I'm going copy and paste style from here on out.) are just doing their job. And this is the best way to go about it: a source is more likely to come forward if he or she can remain anonymous and avoid the wrath of the government. No way they get this information any other way.
I understand Williams and Fainaru-Wada's principles, I really do. But this isn't revealing the location of a case-breaking witness or hiding details in a crime or anything even remotely serious. This is about cheating baseball players. Jerks, too, by most accounts. They are really going to throw away a year and a half of their lives over this? Really?
If I was in their shoes - and thank God I'm not - I'd drag this out as far as possible, and then once they were driving me to the jail - if it eventually got that far - I'd crack. "Alright, boys, the gig is up. Whaddya wanna know?" ("The gig is up"? What decade am I living in?)
I'd apologize profously to my source, but I'd have to give him up. There's just no way I'm going to jail over some guy who leaked information. It's just not happening. I mean, don't either of these guys have families? Friends? A fantasy football team? Do they have no other reason to be on this earth other than to report on MLB's steriod scandal? Seriously, think about what they are throwing away and how long they are throwing it away - and then think about what they are throwing it away over. No one in their family is even slightly upset they are going away for a year and half because of Barry Bonds?
(Imagine being one of these guy's kids and tattling on one of your brothers or sisters? Good God. What would he do? Send him to his room for 18 months?)
Isn't there anything they can do about this? Can't they just plead the fifth? Isn't that what its there for? If you can't plead the fifth, when can you? Why doesn't everyone who pleads the fifth get sent to jail then?
Here's what I'm curious to know: Just how long would the government have to send them away for to make them give up their source? 5 years? 10? 25 to life? How set in their principles are they? I'd be curious to know, because if these guys can just do 18 months at the drop of a hat, well...makes you reconsider sports reports, doesn't it?
And their source. When he leaked this information, he knew there was a chance of this, principles and promises be damned. He took a risk, too. So he can't be completely mad if they rat him out. Well, he can. But surely he can see where they are coming from.
By the way, how nervous do you think this guy is right now? He's probably still walking around the court house, gossipping over the water cooler: "Yea man, I kno...this is crazy. Wonder who it was? Any ideas? No? None? Good, good...no, man, me either." He basically owes these guys his life. They could ask him to be their butler, and he really couldn't refuse, could he? Better than being in jail.
Again, I understand their principles. They made a journalistic, ethical promise to a source, and they feel compelled to keep it.
It seems to me like there was a competion between the government and the reports as to who could do their job better, and the reporters won. Now the government is pissed, and is going to get its way, one way or the other.
And to be honest, I think sending them to jail is absurd - the players and trainers cheated and broke the law; the informant leaked information he was forbidden to and broke the law - and the two reports go to jail? That doesn't quite add up.
But still: its the law. They knew it was the law. And they don't really have to go to jail; one name sends them on their way home. But they are choosing to do so almost entirely to make a point.
Hey, I commend them for it. I'm just saying I couldn't do it. Not in a million years.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Would You Put Yourself on the Cover of Madden?
Never thought I'd see the day. Really, I didn't: Shaun Alexander succumbed to the Madden Curse.
Damnit.
But I was in denial. Somewhere along the line, I had a change of heart. I slowly started seeing the signs. 50 yards and a TD. That's all he was capable of? I questioned his desire. I called him complacent. I kicked several wiener dogs and John Clayton. I turned on the man who handed me my first fantasy championship ever.
I had all but made up my mind to trade him. I was simply waiting for Tuesday, for the dust to settle from Week 3, and then I was pulling the trigger (on a trade, not on the gun pointed at my head). Then the headline pops up: "Reigning MVP out indefinitely." Um....fuck.
This was the two-by-four that broke the camel's back. I believe now, John. You convinced me. I get it, alright? You can knock it off now.
I was never a Madden Curse Believer. I always thought the proof was a little flimsy: Eddie George had a career year. Ray Lewis still had a good year. Donovan McNabb...well, who wouldn't feel the affects of pairing yourself with TO? And Faulk, well...Martz was in the midst of ruining his career anyways. Vick and Culpepper? Hey, Madden, you put two scrambling QB's on the cover, you run a little risk, eh?
But this one hits home, John. This was completely unnecessary. Shaun never did anything to you! None of those other players had hopes and fantasy dreams pinned on them like Shaun. He's a good guy John!
This was just collateral damage to prove a point. This was like Hadley killing that crying inmate at the beginning of Shawshank: we get it, man. You do as you please with no repercussions. But you don't have to be a jerk about it.
Hopefully this is just a couple weeks, and Shaun comes back sooner rather than later with a renewed a vengence. He still is an elite back with all-world potential, and Lord knows the T-Birds need him.
But Alexander going down raises a bigger question: would you, as an NFL supa-star, allow yourself to be put on the cover of Madden? I can't imagine anyone except Tiki Barber agreeing to do so (he'll do anything, man - anything). Athletes are notoriously driven by routine and superstition. The Madden Curse - believe it or not - has seemed to have reached a point where you don't even want to mess with it, if only because you'll have to deflect questions and rumors about it all year. Why would you even want to deal with it? Surely it can be that much more money than you are already making?
I just don't see how its worth it.
But someone has to be on the cover next year. Here's the most likely candidates:
Peyton Manning (2:1). He's up there with Tiki Barber for Top Sellout of the Year (not that that's a bad thing, per se...just sayin'). Is there a product associated with the NFL that Peyton doesn't endorse? Don't get me wrong, I love every single commercial he's done - checkin' to pancakes! - but he's clearly a Madison Ave. darling and the clear cut favorite to grace the cover in 2007. Which means one thing and one thing only: Let the Jim Sorgi Era begin.
Reggie Bush (2.5:1). Don't do it, Reggie! Just don't! I know you are dying to be on the cover with your bad-ass stare and your 619 eye-black strips, but this isn't just for your own good: this is for the good of the entire NFL. On behalf of humanity, just don't do it, alright?
Carson Palmer (4:1). Comeback player of the year tosses 35 TDs and leads a deep playoff run? Sounds good to me. You thought coming back from a torn ACL was tough, Carson? Try bouncing back from the Madden Cover Jinx. You'll be vacationing with Kimo von Olhaffen (I am not looking up how to spell his name - that's how it sounds and you know who I mean) in a month.
LaDanian Tomlinson (6:1). "This is Sports Center." Then Briscoe High. Madden seems to be the next logical step for our visor-wearing halfback. LT is on pace for one hell of a fantasy season. You think the Madden Curse is scared? Hmpf. You've no idea its power! None!
Duante Culpepper (1,000,000:1). This is what Madden should do: throw Culpepper on the cover. Yea, sales may plummet, but what's the worst that could happen to Peps? They actually lose to the Titans? I see the exact opposite happening: Culpepper reverse jinxes Madden and rejuvenates himself back into his form from two years ago, and in the process, eliminates The Curse altogether! Yea! This could work! No, really!
This plan is completely infallible. Its really the only course of action. Just do it John. Before we all hate you. There's still time.
Either that, or do us all a favor and put Joe Theisman on the cover.
I'm Positive. Well, I'm Pretty Sure.
I just want to make this prediction before things get completely out of hand, and everyone jumps on this bandwagon: The Raiders are going winless this season. 0-16. Mark it down.
I really don't see how they can turn it around. I mean, do you? Aaron Brooks is the best QB they have. Think about that. Their O-line just gets absolutely manhandled. Randy Moss just quit. (Seriously, if you think Mr. I Play When I Wanna is trying hard at all this season, well...you're wrong.)
Not only will the Raidaaaaas (go to hell, Berman) go winless, but this season has the potential to be off-the-charts on several levels: comedic, sad, embarrassing, historical, depressing, secretly enjoyable and many more. There's really something for everybody. I mean, when you have you're No. 2 wide receiver being accused of openly cheering for your team to lose - by the second week of the season - you are off to a tremendous start. And when that same receiver denies that accusation by saying he wasn't even playing attention, so how could he have possibly been cheering for anyone at all?...well, that's just special.
Let's take a peek at their remaining schedule, shall we? With a close eye on everybody's favorite teammate, of course.
Cleveland
I have never been more pumped to start Braylon Edwards for my fantasy team. Romeo Crennell kinda resembles Art Shell, a little, though, doesn't he? Minus the whole coma thing.
Jerry Porter Update: Our main man is spotted ordering pizza, nachos, and a large creatine shake from the concession in mid-game. Denies allegations.
@ San Fran
Alex Smith, welcome to your coming out party. That frisky Niners D you saw pressure McNabb in the second half on Sunday? Let's just say they may become acquainted with The Glitch.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter is seen giving Art Shell bunny ears during the first quarter while Shell stares aimlessly into space.
@ Denver
Mike Shannahan may be a little excited for this one, no? Seizing the chance to humiliate his former employer, the Broncos run up the score to the tune of 113-0. Al Davis becomes so distraught, he uses shampoo by accident.
Jerry Porter Update: Jerry brings a trampoline onto the field, jumps on it, and blocks a field goal in the second quarter. Art Shell doesn't blink. Porter denies using the trampoline, but will later accept an ESPY for Most Entertaining Play of the Year a few months later.
Arizona
You know, the Raiders have a pretty crappy schedule up to this point, all things considered. I'm really excited to see how the Raiders blow these games against sub-par teams. On a side note, Kurt Warner should get some PT in this one.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter organizes a Texas Hold 'Em tournament on the sideline. Art Shell's poker face is unrivaled.
Pittsburgh
Um, 'member what I said 'bout a crappy schedule? I'ma go ahead and take that back now. Their next 5 games are absolutely brutal. Troy Paulamalu is going to invite some of his Briscoe High teammates to play in this one...like the actors and the extras and stuff. Joey Porter's horse-murdering dog may also see some time.
Jerry Porter Update: In honor of Pittsburgh running back Najeh Davenport, Porter poops on the Steelers logo...and doesn't wipe.
Phillip Rivers had success through the air against these guys. I'm sure the Hasslebeck and his B-listers will have mild success through the air. (Ed. note: "the Hasslebeck" was a typo...but it made me laugh. So I'm leaving it in, and from now on, the bald QB in Seattle with the worst NFL Network commercials ever will be referred to as "The Hasslebeck.")
Jerry Porter Update: Joey spitshines his WWF belt for much of the third quarter. During the fourth, he straps it on, struts over to Randy Moss and says "Bet you wish you had one of these!" Moss bursts into tears, sobbing over and over again: "I do, I do wish I had one of those, you're right, I do."
Denver
Oh boy. Back to Denver again. Shanahan is so excited, he has to employ the Boner Tuck all game. Nothing worse than the Boner Tuck - "Will you do the next problem at the board?" "Oh shit...um yea...one sec...can I take my notebook? No...OK, hang on..." - but Shanahan doesn't mind. In fact, he looks like Mr. Enzyte all game.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter goes to the game naked with a barrell around his torso. Paints his face orange and blue. Carries a stick with a Bronco head mounted on the end. Denies cheering for Denver.
@ Kansas City
There were three great fantasy backs heading into the season: LT - who lit the Raiders up without even really trying on opening week; Shaun Alexander - who tripped on a wiener dog and broke his foot, but should be back in time to run rampant on Oakland in Week 9; and finally Larry Johnson. This is going to be an absolute blood bath. With no passing game to speak off - Damon Huard? - the Chiefs will be forced to run it every single time, no exceptions, like the forward pass hasn't even been invented yet. LJ will be near 300 yards. I'm telling you, this will be an historic night. Mark your calendars.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter challenges Ronald Curry to a game of one-on-one. Sets up a portable hoop on the sideline. Curry wins only when Porter double-dribbles on game point.
@ San Diego
LT, Part deaux. By now, I would imagine the Raiders have quit altogether. They are just openly mailing it in. Warren Sapp playing quarterback, letting Jerry Porter wear his WWF belt during games, Art Shell is taking naps on the sidelines. Plus, LT will be mad that LJ (nicknames suck anymore, you know that?) did so well last week, he will be inspired to go for 400 yards.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter comes to the game visibly drunk. He takes a shot every time he comes off the field in the first half. In the second half, he attempts to play "Edward 40 Hands" and still catch a pass. He is unsuccessful, but does pee on the goalpost, saying, "That's nice...ah, that's nice."
Houston
Now, you might think late in the season that the Raiders could steal one from Houston, right? I mean, for all intents and purposes, this game will likely decide the No. 1 draft pick. And do you think Houston wants anything to do with that position ever, ever again? Hell no. An inspired Luigi Williams runs roughshod over Robert Gallery en route to Rookie of the Week Honors, a Texans win and the No. 2 overall pick.
(While we're here: You know how there is Rookie of the Week, Month, Year, etc? Why can't there be awards for "Second-Year POY?" And third year? And so on? Can't each year have its own awards? I think that would be fun. Plus, guys like Brad Johnson and Morten Anderson would win an award every single week. And wouldn't it be fun to see who did they best from the Class of 1998? Something to think about, anyways.)
Jerry Porter Update: Porter is suspended one game for peeing on the goalpost, although he does cause YouTube to crash for the first time ever. Porter buys a ticket to the game, sits behind the Texans bench, and gives them the Raiders playbook. He has a hard time convincing them it really is their playbook at first - it is written on several napkins and half a legal tablet - but eventually the inside info get Mario Williams his first sack.
LOL.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter gives Art Shell a droopy. Twice. Shell blinks. Rest of team gasps in shock - that Shell blinked.
St.Louis
Another crappy team! Oakland can't be too mad at their schedule; they play some legitimately un-good teams. If they weren't entirely inept, they could scrape together 4 or 5 wins easily. Unfortunately, they are entirely inept, so they won't.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter buys some GHB from Sebastian Janakowski (he had some) and slips it into Art Shell's gatorade. Janakowski says "dat ess like shooting rhino with bee bee gun." Porter then takes the GHB himself and passes out on the 50 yard line.
Kansas City
KC/Oak is kind of a big rivalry, no? LJ comes back for crack numba two, and fantasy owners every where rejoice that he got to play Oakland in the playoffs.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter scores his first touchdown of the season and, as a celebration dance, masturbates in the endzone.
@ NY Jets
You think Mangina is going out with a loss? You think Shelled is going out with a win? That's what I thought.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter reenacts the opening scene from "The Last Boy Scout." Raider Nation applauds.
Monday, September 25, 2006
The Week That Was: Week 3
Some thoughs from Sunday's games...
Can you believe Keyshawn Johnson scored on a reverse? Actually, can you even believe the Panthers ran a reverse with Keyshawn? If there was a race with all NFL recievers, I'm pretty sure Key would finish last. Name me a slower wide reciever. I dare you.
I'm pretty sure you could land an airplane on Merril Hodge's head. Honestly, if he shaved his head, I think it would look like a gallon of milk turned upside-down. Also, I hate him.
I hate TJ Houshmanzadeh, too. I don't even know why. I think its his girl hair. Actually, I'm positive it's his girl hair. God, I hate it. Shave your head, TJ, then we can be boys again. Til then, wear an orange scrunchie. Championship!
Poor Frank Gore. I'm pretty sure Coach Nazi has the gas chamber all ready to go. On the plus side, we get to see Michael Robinson and his enormous head carry the ball more. So that'll be fun.
(And by "real teams," I mean everyone except the Raiders.)
Um, if I was a Dolphins fan, I'd be pretty scared right now. 13-10. To the Titans? How the hell is Culpepper messing up that offense? Every skill position is stacked. I really hope for Culpeppers sake that his o-line just blows. Because if his O-line is solid, then...well...bad news for the chile pepper.
When Peyton Manning fooled the hell out of the Jag's D end, what do you think was going through his mind? You know how you can think of like 37 things in about half a second? His mind had to have been putting in overtime: "OK, here comes the handoff, lemme fly after this runne....FUCK! Oh shit, Peyton still has it...Oh, shit, there just went my knee...I look like some jackass propsing to his fiance...Fucking A! I can't believe I have to get up and run after Peyton Freaking Manning and he's gonna handily beat me to the endzone! This is some humiliating shit right here...How many times are they gonna show this on Sport Center? What an asshole."
Attention: I will be bitching about fantasy football now, which no one wants to read. I know this. This isn't about you. This is about me. Skip to the next paragraph. With the 4:15 games winding down, I'm in a dead-even game. Donovan McNabb, my MVP, is sitting on 296 yards passing. The game against the Niners is well in hand, but the Eagles have the ball in Niners territory and decide to take a "Why the hell not?" chance at the endzone. So Donnie Mac lofts a gorgeous ball to the endzone, where Reggie Brown promptly drops it. Of course he does. McNabb doesn't throw again the rest of the game. So I lose out on the touchdown points, the 300+ bonus points, and eventually, a win. So Reggie Brown: Go hang out with Freddie Mitchell. (And then Shaun Alexander breaks his foot. I love life right now).
There's only three reasons to watch Around the Horn: You enjoy Michael Smith, you enjoy Stat Boy Reali, or you enjoy watching Woody Page mock the show and read his little chalkboard. Those are the only three. I enjoy Michael Smith, so I was paying attention when he came on some random sports center segment with this gem: Deion Branch told Javon Walker not to play in New England when he was seeking a trade, so he gets himself traded to Denver. Then Deion get himself traded to Seattle. Then Javon torches a Deion-less Pats team on SNF. There's a few ways to burn some bridges, but that's a pretty damn good one, Deion. Props.
Brett Favre - whoda thunk, eh? As long as he keeps slinging it to Greg Jennings, I'm all for the Brett Favre reemergence.
Those Briscoe High commercials always confused me. They were cool and everything, but shouldn't a team comprised of Mike Vick, LT, Brian Urlacher and Deion Sander's adopted son be killing high school teams? Like, they shouldn't need a halfback pass on the last play of the game to win, should they? And why the hell is LT throwing the game winning pass when they have Mike Vick at quarterback!?!?
The Falcons had no chance in that game, anyways. With all the energy and karma going on, Atlanta was screwed. They might as well have been playing against Katrina herself.
Finally, in its off week, the Oakland Raiders held a football clinic for St.Mary's School for the Blind and lost, 24-10. Art Shelled and The Glitch were unavailable for comment.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Peter King's Fantasy
Fantasy footall's ridiculous emergence is a good thing. I don't think anyone will argue against that. Anyone with a vague interest in the NFL and a heartbeat plays in a league. So it would follow that its pretty near impossible to watch, listen to or read anything relating to the NFL without someone somehow tying it to its fantasy implications.
Sadly, its gotten out-of-hand. NFL experts who are good at what they do - being experts on the NFL - for some reason, can't translate that into making solid fantasy tips. Or even suggestions. The biggest culprit here, to my knowledge, is Peter King. Pete's football columns are sweet. But when he dwaddles on over to fantasy land, its more times than not confusing, pointless, and a waste of time. He writes a little column called "Ten fantasy tips." Here's what I mean:
My words in italics; Pete's in "normal."
* * * * * * *
Tip of the Week: And don't even hesitate on the first of my 10 pieces of advice for Week 3.
1. Play Clinton Portis against Houston -- no matter who the other running back options are on your team. Some weeks, some players just feel right, even if they're not fully healthy. This week has at least 125 yards and a touchdown written all over it for Portis.
It's a must-win game for Washington, which is going against the 32nd-rated defense in the league. Big-time players play big when it really counts. Says Portis: "They [the Texans] can expect a full-throttle Portis. It's no setbacks or limited plays for me."
Alright, off to a good start. Play Portis, no matter what. Some solid advice, even if it is based on a complete gut feel and Portis saying he's ready to go, which he didn't say last week. (Oh, he did say that last week? Hmm. That makes me scratch my chin...)
OK, so D-Jax and Engram will get more snaps...but, like, a lot? Are they worth starting? In case I have all four of those recievers on my team, I'll just start Jackson and Engram. You're right, Pete, that is an interesting week in Seattle. Thanks for bringing it to my attention; I hadn't noticed the whole "Branch goes to Seattle" subplot and wondered how it would affect me fantasy-wise. Thanks for clearing it up.
3. Other than Kerry Collins, I would play any other starting quarterback this week ahead of Jake Plummer. That has more to do with my high regard for the New England defense than with my disrespect for Plummer, who will break out soon enough but not on Sunday night. Watch Ellis Hobbs, Jake. He's the real deal.
So...does this mean I should start New England's defense? I sure hope you were subtly - almost unnoticeably - trying to make that point, because surely NOT starting Jake Plummer is not one of the 10 most pressing things you needed to tell yuor audience, was it? I mean, it's not like the entire state of Colorado clammoring for Jake's head in favor of a rookie has made national news, has it?
You do, however, tell Jake to avoid Ellis Hobbs, however. So, after three "tips" the standing look like this:
Worthwhile and/or usable advice given to:
Jake Plummer: 1
National readership: 0
OK, I'll remember Doug Gabriel. I'll never forget him. Promise. And Watson and Brown will get better...um, Pete? Any idea when? Kinda have a game this week...will they be useful? And oh yea: that rookie wide reciever they drafted in the second round that had a TD last week? Any thoughts there? Should I remember him, too?
5. I like Eli Manning a lot in Seattle. He was able to overcome those eights sacks and win on the road at Philly last week because he's got some determined playmakers around him.
Thank God Eli pulled that win out. I got a lot of points for the 'W' next to his name in the stat line. Saved my season, that win did. And his playmakers? Woo-ee. Solid. In fact, I think at flex this week, I'm starting "NYG Playmakers." I bet I win. Thanks, Pete.
6. I like Edgerrin James a lot this weekend too. Startling stat of the week: Opposing backs are rushing for 5.0 yards a carry against St. Louis, and you should have seen the look on James' face this week. He's ticked off that everyone thinks he can't run without that Indy offensive line. He might not break off a big run, but I think he'll get a touchdown, if not two, against the Rams.
Lotta man love going around this week, eh? That stat is startling: 5.0 per rush. And if ou aren't confident Edge can break a big run against that pourous of a defense, explain to me again why I should sart him?
7. Daunte Culpepper is the luckiest man in the league this weekend. He desperately needs a gimme, and wouldn't you know it, the Raiders have a bye this week. Luckily, the Tennessee Titans are willing to fly to south Florida. Culpepper comes back big, very big, this weekend, because Tennessee can't pressure the pocket.
Now, here's some good advice: Start Culpepper. At least he tried on that one. I don't tend to agree -"big, very big" ain't happening - but Pep could play good. We'll call it a draw.
8. So you want to know which Bengal receivers to play. The only healthy one is number four Kelley Washington, now that Chris Henry has a strained groin. I'm going to give you a cliche answer, based on a conversation I had with Chad Johnson recently. I don't care if he's got a headache, and a bad one, apparently. What he has inside of him is a voracious desire to play well against the Steelers, and if Carson Palmer doesn't throw him at least seven balls Sunday, Johnson's going to have a fit. So if you've got him, don't worry about the Steelers blitz or the other Bengal wideouts. Johnson will shine on Sunday.
Oh really? I should play the first receiver I drafted, no matter what? Even though he has a headache? Careful Pete...that limb is pretty flimsly. Don't wanna go out to far, now do we?
9. I'm not one to go too crazy on mid-week injuries in practice. But Simeon Rice wasn't playing well before tweaking his knee in practice Thursday, and the Bucs have no other pass-rusher who might scare Jake Delhomme. That means one thing and one thing only -- Keyshawn Johnson: six catches, 103 yards, two touchdowns.
Now, Pete knows more about the NFL than me. Clearly. But isn't it strange to recommend a reciever for an offense that scored 6 and 13 points, respectively, in its first to games? And the defense he's playing against...hasn't everyone been blown away by its opponents ability to run againt them? Didn't Atlanta rush for 946 yards last week? And isn't Jake Delhomme struggling like a mad man without Steve Smith? (He is, I've had him on my fantasy team.)
At least he made a prediction though. He gets points for originality.
10. The Saints, surprisingly, are among the league leaders with a 3.5-yard average per opponents' rush. Atlanta is coming to town. Emotional game. I'd love to tell you it'll continue for the Saints. But it won't. New Orleans has played two weak run-blocking lines -- Cleveland's and Green Bay's -- and the Saints don't have the bulk or the speed to stop the inside run or the rush on the edge of Warrick Dunn or Jerious Norwood. Expect big numbers from the Birds on the ground, just like in the first two weeks.
Ah, there we go. Finally got around to that in a round about sort of way.So that's my plea. Football writers - stick to football. There are nerds who lock themselves in their mom's basement all summer figuring this stuff out. Let them do what they do, and you do what you do. We'll call it a truce.
