Mario Manningham got me thinking.
After watching him light up Notre Dame (I love when ND gets torched on their own network, and they obviously biased announcers don't know how to handle it; NBC even ran a commercial for Michigan St!) it got me thinking about about all of Michigans WR. It seems like Michigan just churns out great (at the college level, anyways) wide receivers.
Michigan should bill themselves at WR U. You know what? I bet they do. That might explain why they get all those great wide outs
So if Michigan is WR U, what other schools can lay claim to being a position official school? I'm talking in recent memory. I don't have an exact date, mainly becuase I'm not looking rosters and years up - just recently, OK? This is off the top of my head. Like Desmond Howard doesn't count for Michigan.
Here we go.
Quarterback U.
The problem with this is that there are like 9 good quarterbacks in the NFL, and half of them played in the MAC. I guess you could say Cal; there's been a lot of hype around the Tedford quarterbacks, but they don't really do anything in the NFL.
I'm saying USC is now QB U. It started with Carson Palmer and his Heisman. Then Matt Leinart took it over, chilled with Nick Lachey (which everyone thought was cool as shit - isn't Lachey pretty much a pretty boy who emberrasses himself every time Cincinnati is on TV?) and won the Heisman. They even had Matt Cassell riding pine (which prepared him well for riding pine in the NFL). Now they plug John David Booty Call into the mix, and there's little drop off.
So either USC or Manning U. Pick one.
Auburn. Hands down. Rudi Johnson (hell of a weekend for the T-Birds, Rudi, hell of a week) started things off, then was followed by Cadillac and Ronnie Brown. Plus, Freakin' Huge Brandon Jacobs was there but transferred. Now they got that Irons guy beating the hell out of people.
You could make a pretty convicing argument for Miami, though: Portis, Edge, McGahee, now Frank Gore coming out of no where. Miami probably has better talent in the NFL, but in the last 5 years or so, I'd say Auburn has had a better class. The U really has fallen of lately, hasn't it?
Wide Receiver U.
As we said above, Michigan is at the top of the wide out class. Manningham and Breaston are already monsters. Then you got Braylon Edwards, Jason Avant, David Terrell, um...Marquis Walker...man, those wide outs really blow in the NFL. Oh Tai Streets! Wait, never mind...
Defensive Backs U.
The U. When I think of great secondaries, Miami is really the only school that comes to mind. Ed Reed, Antrelle Rolle, Sean Taylor, Philip Buchanon, Mike Rumph....um, I feel like there's more...But, yea, you aren't putting together a better secondary than that.
I don't know if their last 5 years has been that great at the postion - oh wait, it hasn't - but the last few years have been pretty good for Thee Ohio State University at 'backer. Brady's Quinn's sister's girlfriend/wife/baby momma was pretty good. So was Bobby Carpenter and that other guy I can never remember. Quite a trio. Now they got the Laurenitis guy (sounds like something you catch at the beginning of November - "Yea, that Laurenitis is goin' around...got me some Halls, though, I'm good, I'm good").
This is kind of like when they put Shaq on the NBA's 50th Anniversery Team: technically, he probably shouldn't have been on there, but it was going to be the right move a few years down the line. Same thing here. OSU is gonna be stacked there for years to come.
O-line and D-line U.
Um, I know like Orlando Pace and Julius Peppers. So Ohio State an North Carolina. Happy?
Monday, September 18, 2006
Position U.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
WEEK TWO PICKS
I felt like making some picks. Maybe I'll keep this up for the season. Maybe I won't. Who knows. Anyways, here they are.
Buffalo at Miami (-6.5)
Culpepper's gonna have to show a little more than that, I think, before I'm hopping on that bandwagon. He didn't look very good last week, did he? Granted, he was playing against a ferocious Pittsburgh D, but still...he looked atrocious at the end of that game. On the flip side, Buffalo's defense looked tough and stingy (London Fletcher: tackling machine) against the Pats, picking Brady off a few times. Using the always reliable circular logic, that means Buffalo does some good.
The pick: Buffalo
Carolina (-1) at Minnesota
Screw week one. Carolina is good. Minny isn't.
Didn't Brad Johnson look just a little too excited to connect on that TD pass? And Troy Williamson...my word. Catch the ball, homie. BJ is the oldest QB in the league, and Carolina's D is going to expose that. (Huge points though to Johnson for naming his son Maximus. Think that kid might have a little pressure to live up to?)
The pick: Carolina
Cleveland at Cincinnati (-10)
I can't tell you how excited I am to watch Rudi Johnson run all over the Browns defense. Not because I like the Bengals or hate the Browns...but because Rudi is my No. 2 fantasy back. Rudi! Rudi! Rudi!
The pick: Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago (-9.5)
Roy Williams guarenteed a win and procliamed the Lions O stupid close to scoring 40 points in a week in which they scored 6 on exactly zero touchdowns. Good enough for me.
The pick: Detroit
Houston at Indianapolis (13.5)
The Eagles and their psueodo-recieving corps absolutely torched the Texans secondary last week to the point that Andy Reid was saying "Watch this" to his assisntant before sending in plays that led to scores. I would imagine Indy does much the same thing, except instead of saying "watch this," Tony Dungy says "I hate you Peyton."
The pick: Indy
New Orleans (-2) at Green Bay
This isn't even close. Green Bay is a punchline. How the hell is this line only at 2?
The pick: New Orleans
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia (-3)
Game of the Week right here. Donnie Mac and homefield are the difference. I'm very excited to see Tom Coughlin positively losing his mind on the sidelines, though. I hope he starts doing that thing where he waves his arms up and down like an extra in Angels in the Outfield trying to pump up the crowd, only Shockey comes over, shakes his blonde locks out of his eyes, and says "Um, coach? You know we're on the road? Plus um...me and some of the guys we're talkin'...well, um...you look like a tool doing that...we took a vote and um, you should stop."
The pick: Philly
Oakland at Baltimore (-12)
The question here is, will Baltimore score 13 points? Because if they can, they'll cover. I think their defense alone can score 13 points, so they'll cover. Have you ever seen a team look worse than Oakland did Monday night? I mean, ever? Not in the NFL...like college or high school or hell, Pop Warner. They only had 129 total yards - 42 passing! When you beat the hell out of some scrub team on Madden, even they get 129 yards! They gave up 9 sacks. I'm telling you, play 500 with Randy Moss, Oakland. Its your only shot.
The pick: Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-5.5)
I'm firmly entrenches in the Michael Vick Breakout Year Camp. I'm also fimrly entrenched in Chris Simms Will be the First NFL Player to Come Out of the Closet Unless Michael Straham Does First. You see where I'm going with this.
The pick: Atlanta
Arizona at Seattle (-7)
An open letter to Shaun Alexander:
Dear Shaun,
Pull a stunt this week like the one you pulled last week - 50 yards, FL - and you will be doing a lot more than slipping on weiner dogs. Try me.
Sincerely,
The T-Birds.
The pick: Arizona
St. Louis (-3) at San Francisco
You know who comes into the Niners house and pushes them around?!?! No one, that's who!!
The pick: San Francisco
Kansas City at Denver (-10.5)
How the hell is Denver favored by over 10 points? How the hell are they even going to score 10 points? Look at the QB match up here: Damon Huard vs Jake Plummer. Cripes. Not exactly the Manning Bowl, is it? Denver will win, but certainly not by more than 10 points.
The pick: Denver
Tennessee at San Diego (-11.5)
Again, Philip Rivers is getting over 11 points? I understand Tennesse is not so good, and their QB is..oh. Just 11. 5? Sounds about right.
The pick: San Diego.
New England (-6) at N.Y. Jets
Did you enjoy that Week One, New York? You did? Good, I'm glad.
The pick: New England.
Washington at Dallas (-6)
I freaking hate Dallas. No way I could ever pick them. Ever. God I hate them.
The pick: Washington
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at Jacksonville
Pittsburgh's defense is too good. I'm curious to see how Joey Porter makes fun of his opponent this week. He's turning into a defensive Chad Johnson.
The pick: Pittsburgh
Monday, September 11, 2006
Tiger Woods Wants to be More Nuetral
I think I might give tennis a shot.
I never really cared about it too much - except for Michael Chang on the USA channel; makes sense - but if Andy Roddick is gonna be a bad ass and say chippy things to announcers and get a rivalry going with Federer, well...I could be down with that.
So why watch now? Well, there was an American with a personality in the finals of the US Open. One and only reason. If it was Federer-Nadal, I would have passed. (Pony tails and capri pants? Um, I'm good.) In an individual sport, all you need is personality. And a rivalry. That's all you need. If tennis has had one of these in the past five years, I didn't know. My bad. But I know now. So I'm gonna watch. As long as Roddick keeps being good and brash, anyways.
As I was watching, though, I noticed Tiger was there. Tiger Woods. And I saw him clapping abd trying to pretend to be cool with his backwards hat and everything...but I kept noticing they would only show him whenever Federer did well (I was watching with no volume). After turning the volume up, I realized he was cheering for Federer. For Federer!
Does anyone else find this...um, wrong? Tiger's American! Federer is Swiss! Roddick is American! Who should he be cheering for?
I understand they are buds and all (wonder who approached who? Had to have been Tiger calling Roger...no way Federer has the balls to dial up El Tigre), but shouldn't Tigers loyalties lie with his nation?
And yea, I get that the Olympics are an international competition, and this was merely a tournament where allegiance to country isn't exactly relevant...but still. Say this was the Olympics. Would Tiger change his stripes (ba-zing!) and cheer on his fellow countyman? Or would he stay with his new best bud Rog and cheer against the US? What if Roddick is cheering for Europe in the Ryder Cup, against Tiger? Would that be OK?
Its kinda like that movie The Fox and the Hound. That's a kind of obscure Disney movie for kids, and if you've seen it, you got the reference. If you haven't seen it, well...you don't and I'm sorry you had to sit through this paragrpah. It wasn't really for you.
I can understand Tiger wanting to cheer on his boy and all...but maybe he should have done it from his living room. At least then we wouldn't have to see him trying to be cool with that backwards hat that doesn't fit.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Things I Want to See This Year
If these things happen this season, I'll be Mr. Happy Guy:
While announcing the Jets-Titans game, Jim Nantz accidentally says, "And here comes the New York Jets, under the direction of new head coach Eric Mangina!"
St. Louis goes 0-16 and absolutely blows. For a couple of reasons. First, so Stephen Jackson sucks, which means the Lemonades (of the 16th Avenue Legends League) will be awful. Second, so Bill Simmons will shutup.
How can you pick St. Louis as a sleeper team? Yea, they went 6-10 last year, but they had alot of shit going on. Mike Martz was doing his best John Nash impersonation. Marshall Faulk was in his last year, and Stephen Jackson was being ignored. They played freaking Jamie Martin at quarterback for how many games. Now they have a stable coach, Marc Bulger under center for 16 games, a freaking stud in the backfield, and a very talented recieving corps (Kevin Curtis is so underrated; he's like a two pack of red Zingers at 2:30 in the morning). Plus, they play in the incredibly pathetic NFC East. Home of the Niners. Yea. And when Seattle won at STL last year? First time in eight years they'd won at The Greatest Show on Turf. So. Not so much of an underdog, are they? He rips on Regis for picking Arizona as his sleeper; STL is just as bad as a call.
And now he's running his wife's picks in a sidebar next to his?!?!? Are you kidding me? His wife's!?!?! And she gets to make catty comments (Rip on Lindsay Lohan? Clever and original. This column is going to make Simmons wife look like a petty whore. Good decision.) above her picks? I'm glad we nailed down the date Simmons had his penis cut off. This is ridiculous. I would assume Simmons' logic is that the people that have been reading him since back in the day are all by now married and having kids and getting their wieners chopped off too. So they want to read this crap. But you know what? That logic sucks. I hate Simmons for this, and I will never forgive him. Combine that with that atrocious Green Bay article (which was downright depressing; I only got to the end because it would have been like leaving a funeral early), and Simmons is one more ballless (wow, that word has three 'l's' in a row - super) column away from me never reading him again.
OK, had to get that off my chest. Moving on.
(Oh, who am I kidding? He's like cigarettes. I know I shouldn't, but I will. Damnit. I hate myself.)
Here's my question though: how much tail is Peyton pulling? I don't exactly see him in a roped-off VIP room sucking down bottle after bottle of Cristal while bouncers parade groupies in front of him. There's no question he has the star power; but he seems like kind of a dork who would be akward at a club. I think he's the guy who repeatedly whispers something into a girl's ear, only she keeps going "What? I can't hear you, the bass is too loud! What was that?!" So he finally shouts what he was saying, only its just as the music cuts out, so the whole club hears him say, "I said, your boobs are neat!" I think he gets girls, I just don't know where he's meeting them at, thats all. Certainly not any Kenny Chesney concerts. So I just want to know, that's all. Not judging. Just asking.
I want the Vikings to get busted starting a Mile High Club on a cross country flight. First water, then air. It could all come full circle. A little closure, you know?
San Fran goes 8-8. OK, 7-9. Man, that'd be awesome.
I want Chad Johnson to score one TD per week, just so we can see how he's going to use the fans as props. I want him to carry it over from week to week too. Tell us a story, Chad. This could be more ridiculous and compelling than "Trapped in a Closet."
I want more celebrations mocking other player's signature celebration. When Joey Porter got his roll on after sacking Dante Culpepper Thursday night, the room I was watching the game in exploded. Just went nuts. It really doesn't get any better than that; its like your at 5th grade recess all over again. Hines Ward mocking TOs Eagle flap (which was gay, anyways, TO), TO mocking Ray Lewis' pregame dance (which is gay anyways, Ray...don't stab me), Steve Smith rowing the boat after scoring on the Vikings, etc. More of that. Please and thank you. (Um, since we're kinda on the topic, what does "p and q" mean? Like, "that young man is so polite; he always minds his p's and q's." What are they? I really have no idea. Someone smart tell me. Please and thank you.)
I want whoever invented that "Who dey" cheer the Bengals do to be found and their tongue ripped out with a wrench. I can't believe the Bengals chant or sing or mumber that song and think its cool; whats even crazier is that it caught on with their fan base, and they think its cool. Have they ever even listened to it? Its absurd jibberish with no beat whatsoever (and I am the master at being off beat, so I know). If a two-year-old mumbled that, you'd smile at him and then cram another Zweback in his mouth. With the squiggly stripes and the Who Dey song, the Bengals might as well be four year olds. I wouldn't be stunned to see them wear binkies instead of mouth guard.
I want to see a TV show where Nick Saban and John Gruden each get their own second grade classroom to teach for a week. Whoever makes the most kids cry wins. Saban has actually made a grown man cry, but my money is on Gruden. He's just relentless. "What's the capital of Vermont, Timmy? What is it? Mont -what?! Spit it out Timmy! Lets go! We haven't got all day, whats the god damned capital?!? John knows the answer! Sam knows the answer! Get him the hell out of here! Get him the hell out of my sight! Get in the hall, Timmy!"
I want to see Bill Parcels flip out about a call, forcing one of his assistants "hold him back" by grabbing his shirt, except he pulls a little to hard, the shirt rips, and Parcells' Bro (Manzier!) is exposed for all the world to see. The ultimate ward robe malfunction.
But mostly, I want Reggie Bush to score twice in the first half of the Saints game. I then want him to be the subject of those orchestrated 30-second interviews before heading into the locker room. I want this attractive woman who is given an index card with two questions on it to ask him this question: "What do you think of the Texans decision not to draft you No. 1 overall?" And I want Reggie to reply thusly: "That was dumb."
That's all I want.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Preview of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
Before the start of every season in the National Football League, I seem to make one sweet prediction. Granted, that one sweet prediction comes amongst about 30 or 40 inane ones, but I still get that one. So here's 40 or so odd things that most certainly will not pan out, but I guarentee one of these will be a real gem. A diamond in the rough, if you will. Your job is to find it.
Without further ado, your '06 NFL preview.
AFC EAST
This is a two horse race (without, ironically, any horses): Phins or Pats. The Jets and the Bills suck, and aren't even worth really discussing.
Everything seems to be falling in line for the Dolphins, doesn't it? Disgruntled QB who hasn't gotten his roll on lately and with everything to prove, throwing to a pair of absolute playmakers, and with an on-the-rise running back, who's also trying to prove he can handle the every day load. They'll be playing with a chip on their shoulder all season long. Plus, Nick Saban is the new Bill Belichik. He's so hot right now. Not to mention the fact that he makes huge men weep while wearing one of the chessiest hats of all time.
Still, its the Patriots. They win Super Bowls with teams that should be 8-8. How can you pick against them? Well, you can pick against them because their most notable moves off the off season have been losing The Most Clutch Kicker Ever, the Deion Branch holdout, trading for the immortal Doug Jolley and convincing Jr. Seau to come out of retirement (I hope Seau has a son in the NFL someday named Jr. Seau Jr. He would be like a modern day Mr. Mister.). Plus, Corey Dillon died halfway through last season. I had him on my fantasy team last year; I know these things.
I think the Pats just hit a wall this season. You can only do the whole smoke and mirrors thing for so long. Four guarentee W's against Buffalo and NY make things interesting, but the Phins wrap up the division.
AFC NORTH
Who woulda thought the QB in this division with the least amount of questions surrounding him would be playing for the Ravens? Roethlisberger's internal organs hate him, Palmer's knee was rushed in my opinion (If you think he's 100%, you're nuts. He torched the Packers D, for God's sake. Let's seem him do it in the regualr season.) and Charlie Frye is Charlie Frye.
Still, Palmer's knee should be healthy enough to wrap up back-to-back division titles. Provided Johnson & Johnson stay out of jail - no small feat on that team - that offense should just be cookies.
You know how I know the Bengals are gay, though? Those stripes. Seriously. Those are just...gay. They aren't just stripes...they're curley. Like streamers. My gaudy aunt wears things like that on Thanksgiving. We get it, you're nickname is a tiger. You wear stripes. Cute. The Jaguars aren't wearing spots though. And the Vikings don't have horns sticking out of their helmet. Denver doesn't put hooves on their cleats. It's like a third-grader came up with their uniforms. Just dress ' em in prison issued jumpsuits and be done with it. Curley stripes. Ghey.
Is anyone else excited for the Chris Henry/Santonio Holmes pregame handshake/pound before the game? Do they both need their PO's there, or will just one suffice?
I'm pretty geeked to hear Stillers fans bitch all year about their team. I don't think there are worse fans than Pittsburgh's. Honestly, how long were they happy after the Super Bowl? 5 minutes? Maybe? Watching Charlie Batch for a whole season might cause mass pileups in the Fort Pitt tunnels. I couldn't be more excited.
Oh...and the Browns suck, and I can't wait to see Kellen Winslow get lit up every week. Ah, never mind..I don't give a hell.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tennesse, Houston. Easy.
Here's hoping Joseph Addai breaks out (fantasy purposes only).
Did you ever pay attention to how Byron Leftwhich throws? He literally brings the ball down to his knee, locks his elbow, and just catapults it. Its insane. Combine that with his performance on that ESPN show where the NFL dudes rode around on jet skis and climbed walls, and I have no idea how he's such a good quarterback. He's the least athletic, least coordinated QB I can think of. His nuts must be friggin' enormous. Yea, that's it. Huge nuts.
I think its funny that the Dominick Davis is out for the year. Wonder of Mario Williams can run the ball?
AFC WEST
Who cares, really. I hate this division.
I will say this: Larry Johnson is overrated! Yea, I said it. He lost his best o-lineman and a damn good blocking fullback. He's the only back now. Trent Green is about to lose it; all his recievers blow, anyways. I wouldn't even cover half of them. And I don't mean I'd just put one defender on them. I mean I'd let them run wherever they wanted and see if they could actually catch a real pass. I'd put nine - 9! - guys in the box. Seriously, why wouldn't you do this? Is this Trent Green-Sammie Morris connection scaring anyone? No. Larry Johnson doesn't even have any moves, I don't think.
Did you ever play "500" as a kid? A bunch of kids stand at one end of the field and the kid with the best arms throws bombs, and everytime he throws one, he yells out a number. If he yells "100!" and you catch it, you get 100 points. Shouldn't the Raiders just run this every time? Just call it 500, have Moss and Ronald Curry run down field, and see if one of them can get it. Your telling me Moss isn't bringing down one out of every 5? Just throw it up! Its not like Aaron Brooks is gonna make a read. Let Jerry Porter hit people while the ball is in the air, too. Its not like their regular offense is going to work.
NFC EAST
Philly, baby, Philly.
The whole division is pretty even, I think. Every team has one great player: Tiki Torch, TO, McNabb, Portis. TO is gonna blow up, and its gonna be great to watch. Parcells might belly slam him to the ground (Parcells is FAT and his hair is luducris. If I was a reporter and he was talking to me like an absolute cock, I would bring this up.) and then sit on him. Janky Spanky is nicked up. The Tiki Torch has to burn out sometime...I say this year. This leaves McNabb being great.
I'm telling you, McNabb is just freaking great. If I was in need of a franchise QB, it would be Brady and then him. He's played with a good reciever exactly once, and the results were ridiculous. His recievers might be worse thean the Chiefs, and he's still gonna put up ungodly numbers. Heres my gem of a prediction: McNabb is an MVP candidate.
(And if you think that has anything to do with McNabb being my starting fantasy QB, well...it does. But I still mean it.)
NFC NORTH
Minn, det, chi,, df
I might hate this division more than the AFC West. There's basically nothing compelling going on here. Minnesoata is busy making themselves the most boring team in the NFL. Detroit plays great D and has no a putrid offense. Mike Martz has some fun toys in Detroit, but no one to play with them. And Green Bay...they may be the worst team in the NFL. Good Lord, they are atrocious.
Lotta love out there for Detroit to come "out of no where" and win the division...but I'm just not seeing it. Chicago's defense is ridiculous. You think Detroit is beating Chicago twice? I sure as hell don't.
I'm just curious about Brett Favre. He's something like 25 TDs away from breaking the all time record (yea, like I'm looking up the exact figure.) But I haven't heard anyone - anyone! - mention that maybe his comeback has a little something to do with breaking that record. I'm pretty sure his comeback has EVERYTHING to do with breaking that record. I'm not knocking him; I'd do the same thing. I just think everyone needs to chill on the whole "Favre is such a competitor and just loves the game that much." If he had that record already, do you think he'd come back and play for THAT team? Me either.
NFC SOUTH
car, tb, atl, no
Here's what I want from this division:
I want Michael Vick to make two people run into eachother again, and I want him to do something really freakin' cool I haven't even thought of.
I want Chris Simms tattoo buddy to have a towel and water bottle ready for him every time he runs off the field after messing up the call in the huddle. (Have you ever seen the NFL Films clip of Simms fucking up the play call in the practice huddle like nine times in a row as Gruden loses his mind? Simms sounds like a second grader who can't get his multiplication tables out. And he's supposed to be a starting Q? I don't think so.)
I want Reggie Bush to run back a kickoff, a punt, catch a TD pass and rush for a TD in one game. Of course, this would mean the Saints would score 28 points, so that's not very likely.
I want Steve Smith to have a 300 yard game. Just one though.
NFC WEST
The NFC West is widely considered to be the worst division in the entire league. As a Niners fan, this hurts. Not because I don't think its the worst division - I do - but its considered the worst because the Niners are in it. I'll still never forgive them for the Alex Smith pick. God, I hate that pick.
And anyone who doesn't think the Seahwaks are winning this thing are on crack. Shaun Alexander is cracking 2 grand on the ground and gettin 30 TDs. Mark him down. Right now. Do it.
And I'm openly cheering for the Rams to throw the ball every play.
Super Bowl: Bears 2, Colts 0. Print it.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
After an 11 Day Break, I Need a Break.
Just a head's up - I'm heading out to work a camp next week, so there won't be any new posts for a while - until next Monday (not this upcoming Monday...the one after it...you know what I mean).
This camp is in the middle of no where. No TV. Certainly no internet connections. I'm guessing cell phone reception will be terrific.
Sleep in cabins. Eat over fires. Go on hikes. You know the drill. Its like Camp Anawana, minus Budnick and Ug.
In the meantime, hit me up with any ideas, comments, questions, entertaining anecdotes, trivia questions....let's have a little fun while I'm gone, shall we?
Alright, see y'all in a week. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
"I'm Back, Baby!"
Has it really been 11 days? Cripes, that's a long time. My bad, my bad (pounding chest as I backpedal down court).
Well, like MJ said - the first time - "I'm back." And yes, I just compared myself to Jordan. It's justified - in my mind, at least. (While we're here, who had the best "I'm back" ever? MJ's one line press release? Or George Costanza's "I'm back, baby!"? MJ's was infintely cooler, but Costanza added a little flair to it, plus it was hilaroius. The sheer coolness of MJ's comeback is a notch above in my book, but I'm willing to listen to arguments.)
My plan, anyways, is to be like Jordan after his first comeback: depsite the constant media attention surrounding the comeback, I'm going to start slowly at first, get reaquainted with my surroundings, build and build...and then, wait...what's that? Double nickel at MSG. That double nickel is coming sooner or later. Probably later than sooner, but it's coming.
And then of course, I will get knocked out of the playoffs by the Magic because I can't hear Nick Anderson running up behind me.
Anyways, consider this his first game against the Pacers - little rusty, but hey, he was out there playing, wasn't he?
So alot of stuff happened in the last 11 days. If I was writing about it, here's what I would have said.
El Tigre now has 11 majors, tying him for second all time with Walter Hagan - and seven off Jack's record of 18. He's a mortal lock to break that; it's probably not even going to be close, either, unless someone decides to take their skirts off. And even then, it might not matter. He could (make that will) rack up 30 majors with everyone bringing their A game, especially now that he is an emotionless golf robot.
Honestly...how crazy was his reaction after he won? He taps in for the W, then just melts down - completely understandable. Who wouldn't? Considering how integral his father was to his gold game, the reaction is even more justified. And regardless of his father's connection to his profession, it was his father who had just died. Frankly, if he had held it together, it would have been stunning. But then like 5 minutes - maybe - later - he's back to his stony-faced self. WHAT?!?! How'd he do that? Aside from not even looking like he had just wept for 5 minutes, he wasn't even remotely rattled. His control over his emotions isn't even human. That's frightening.
Considering how important the mental aspect of golf is (ask Phil or Sergio), that's borderline unfair. How can other golfers compete against a mental cyborg? Tiger and LeBron are now the only two athletes I can think of where it is completely indefensible and professionally idiotic to bet against them or critique them in anyway. How stupid does anyone look right now that criticized Tiger? Has one single criticism of his game ever been justified? One?!?! Name me one negative thing someone said about him that actually had any merit three months after it was said.
Oh, and by the way: he won hitting his driver, like, once. Personally, I think he did that just to mock Phil's spectacular attempt to use his driver on 18 at the Open. Can you imagine Phil's reaction to hearing that? I think this is the Re-rising of The Tiger and the Decline of The Phil. Mark it down.
(Quick aside: I actually did that once. Shaved my locks at like 3:30 in the morning because I was hammered. I woke up the next morning barely in time to submit my fantasy football lineup...couldn't decide on my second running back, went to run my hand through my hair to help aid in the decision...and there was none there. Felt like I went down a rollercoaster. Just a sick, sick feeling. I'm sure our little two-time MVP felt the same way, regardless of what he says.)
Another Bengal is arrested - this time with a taser! Yawn.
Floyd Landis makes it 8 years in a row for the Americans. Man, the French have to be pissed right now. They try to drill Lance on some trumped up charge for 7 years (best comeback ever: "what am I on? I'm on my bike every day.") and then when he bounces to make gay jokes at the ESPYs some other American wins their race. Ah, good times, good times.
I have to say, though...I was really impressed with Lance Armstrong winning 7 in a row (even if I thought him winning Male Athlete of the Year every year was a little ridiculous - he won ONE event a year). But now, Landis - some guy I'd never even heard of - wins the Tour. I dunno...I guess it's still awesome, Lance. But it's just not as hard as I thought it was. That's all I'm saying.
Plus, doesnt Floyd look like Steve Zahn. A little bit?
Reggie Bush is willing to sit out the year and enter next season's draft all over again. I understand where he's coming from, but sitting out a year doesn't really work for anyone. Clarett kinda screwed that one up, and even though it wasn't really Mike Williams' fault, sitting out that year didn't really help. It's probably an empty threat, but whatever...sign your deal and get into camp. You are killing fantasy football owners right now. Namely, me. You are already the craziest pick on the board - honestly, no one has any idea of what you are going to do; are you Barry Sanders or Brian Westbrook or KiJana Carter? Remove a little of the uncertainty, alright? Sign on the dotted line. Please.
A-Rod is slowly morphing into Chuck Knoblauch. Which is great. I really don't like A-Rod, and there is ample evidence to back me up: breaking up a pretty cool Mariners team by signing that roster-crippling $252 million contract with the Rangers; bitching when they lost (which he knew was going to happen), then forcing a trade to NY and pretty much screwing over the Red Sox in the process; that karate chop bullshit he pulled against Boston; having purple lips; etc.
Barbaro is still alive. Damnit.
Coach K demands "56 quarters of dominance" from the US ballers. Say what you will about Coach K (and I will: he's a corporate sell out who just happens to coach basketball while looking like a sanctimonious rat and can't go two sentences without dropping a f-bomb and once said his player had "beautiful eyes."), but the man is right about this. That's the perfect attitude to have. Chris Sheridan took him to task for the mindset - "International competition is so good! I know, I watch them play! I've seen all the games!" - but Sheridan comes off looling like an idiot who doesn't know the first thing about competition.
Yea, Sheridan, other countries are better than '92. But you know what? We still have all the best players. We should win, we should be dominant, and it shouldn't even be close. Yea, the rules and styles are different, but they aren't that different. It's not like it's a no-dribble tournament with three balls while Gladiotors shoot at you with those tennis ball guns. It's still basketball and we have the best players. That should translate into dominance, no?
Sheridan's stance is so egeriously wrong...I'll be expanding on this later.
Zidane is punished for his headbutt. FIFA fined him 6 grand and suspended him for three games - but that doesn't matter, because he retired. So instead of being suspended, he has to do community service. Which makes about as much sense as the All-Star game deciding home field advantage in the World Series. Isn't this kind of like your high school giving you a detention after they gave you a diploma?
Zidane needs to roll into FIFA headquarters like Black Bush dismissing the UN: "You know what I think you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh, wait a minute! You don't have an army! I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!
TO said he was misquoted in his own book. Speaking of shutting the fuck up...
Would there be a better Real World character than T.O.? I don't think so. God I hate him. (And by the way, NFL Network making fun of his book has been a highlight of mine for the last couple of weeks. Dhanti Jones reading pompous, meaningless passages as if they were literary classics kills me every time. And the fact that the NFL itself is ripping on TO...well, I think they hate him as much as I do.)
Bill Belichik is named as the "other man." So two people are getting divorced because the wife is allegedly having an affair with none other than the football genius Bill Belichik. That just boggles my mind. Honestly, Bill Belichik?
Could you think of a coach less likely to be caught in an affair? Maybe Rick Majerus? At least he has a sense of humor and knows all the best restauarants. Art Shell? Hell, if he can come back and coach the Raiders, I think he can handle a woman on the side. Marv Levy? Hey, pop him a few Viagra, and he's ready to roll, son!
Belichik just seems surly and mean...imagine him sweet talking a woman in a bar? I can't even imagine him wearing anything other than that gray hooded sweatshirt. How does a mean guy who wears nothing but sweatpants pull of an affair? I'd really like to hear Belichick spit some game. How many times do you think he name dropped Tom Brady before the woman caved?
Of course, both Bill and the woman are denying this, so its all specualtion at this point. But still...doesn't this change his prescence among his players a little? There is no way they look at him the same now. If I was a Pats fan, I'd be worried right now. I wouldn't want Corey Dillon and Troy Brown giggling behind my coach' s back all season.
Phew. There. 'Bout 2,000 words. Not a bad comeback. And if I forogt anything, I'm sure you'll let me know. Time for some Gatorade.
Oh, and just because its great:
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Dave Roethlisburger.
You know the movie Dave? President goes into a coma, so they find some look-a-like to to his place for a while? I think the Stillers are doing the same thing with Ben Roethlisberger. Here, take a look for yourself:
Before:
After:
Something just isn't right there, is it? I mean, yea, its close...but that's not Big Ben. My mom, of all people, pointed this out, and I think she's onto someting. Is it because he shaved the beard? Is he a little swollen still from the surgery? His eyes seem bigger, his cheeckbones a little more pronounced...a little plastic surgery, perhaps? I can't figure it out.
The weird thing is...he looks nicer. I can't figure out why that is, either, but I think I like him more this way. He looks approchable, like a cool uncle. Also, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
While we're here, though, a thought on Roethlisberger not wearing a helmet: Everyone shut up.
Seriously.
The guy doesn't wear a helemt. Get over it. It's not illegal. It wasn't in his contract. He's 21. It's his choice. You might not agree with it, and it might be safer to wear one, but that's his choice.
Sure, it can help save a life, but then why don't you wear one in the car? Granted, a motorcycle is inherently more dangerous than a car, but the principle still applies: If everyone in cars wore a helmet, there would be less fatalities.
So either start wearing a helmet in your car, or shut up.
And while you're at it, stop eating while you drive and fiddling with the radio and talking on your cell and speeding and pulling an Eddie Griffin. All those things jack up the odds of you getting in an accident.
Unless you drive with your hands at 10 and 12 all day, shut up.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Stan Van Gundy's All Stars.
Over at the worldwide leader, John Clayton put together a cool little thing: he assembled the best team possible in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE - all while staying under the salary cap. Full, 53-Man Roster, with backups and everything. Its pretty sweet.
So if Mr. Garrison can do it with the NFL, why can't I do it with the NBA? Sure it won't be as in-depth - only a 12 man roster - and it won't be an original idea, and I'm going to take about 10 minutes, where I bet Clayton took like a whole day...but it'll still be fun. For me anyways. I mean, cripes, its like 5 in the morning. What else is there to do?
The L just set this year's cap at $53.135 million. So I got a decent chunk of change to work with. But first, I wanted to hone my inner Isiah, and see the best team I could put together, money be damned. (Alright, Isiah just did the money be damned part, but you get the idea.)
The No Cap All Stars are what I feel are the 12 best players in the NBA. OK, well not the best players...if there was a 1-on-1 competition, these guys probably wouldn't finish 1-12. The thought process was to fill out a legit roster - ya kno, point guards and centers and stuff. Oh, and chemistry isn't important. Stan Van Gundy is coaching this team (he was available), and they will play together, without ego, or they will incurre Stan's wrath. And you don't want that, please believe.
The entire roster is in the graphic (left) but a few things are worth noting.
Steve Nash will be the starting point guard and he will play nearly the entire game, exept for those little breaks he likes where he puts on his warmup pants, seven shooting shirts and 19 towels and lays at the end of the bench. He gets three of those per game. He's on the No Cappers solely for his ability to distribute the ball. Stan will ask him to shoot exactly no times and guard exactly no one. Push the ball, get the ball to people where they can do good things with it, make your free throws at the end of games and throw lobs from half court. That's it; that's his entire job.
Shaq is coming off the bench, but we may have to change that. In fact, yea, let's do that: Shaq starts, because he's not playing in the fourth quarter, anyways, so let's keep him happy. Might have to do the same thing with Kobe and Wade, too; we'll see how Stan handles those egos. I got faith (pounding chest twice). KG: I'm keeping him on the bench. Even though he's all wound up and shit, he should just be thankful to play with some one better than Troy Hudson and Mark Madsen.
The crazy thing is, this team is more loaded than a Wendy's baked potato but there are only a handful of guys who really dominate the ball. And only two do it just because that's just the way they play: Iverson and Kobe.
The rest of the guys who hijack the rock regulary - Nash, Wade, James, Garnett - do it because of necessity. Wade does it at the end of games because everyone else on the court is just really not that effective (although they did hit some big shots in the playoffs, I'll give them that); Nash does it only in the halfcourt, because he has no - 0, zero, zip - good half court players on his team, he would much rather run and distribute (OK, Diaw can play in the half court); James does it because Anderson Varejo is the second best player on his team; Garnett for the same reason, 'cept replace Anderson with a guy who shot at his own rim because he was one board short of a triple-double.
The point is, this squad can play together. Nash will make everyone happy. Kobe plays team ball because allegedly he can (see: First Round of 2006 Playoffs, sans Game 7) and because his image is so shot, he really can't afford the bad pub. AI will be AI, not much you can do there. Flash can defer and still excel. Bronny loves to pass and run. Dirk can hit the glass (his new apparent obesession) and shoot elbow J's. TD doesn't demand the ball, but obviously he'll get it. Everyone else is coming off the bench and if they don't like it, well, that's what Stan is here for: tough love.
The grand total for this squad? A little under $148 million. Not bad when you consider Isiah's shelling out $109 mil a year for a 29-win team. Good Lord. That just astounds me. I know its not fair to make fun of Zeke anymore than it is to look at your buddy's plays in a game of NCAA when he's picking his offense, but you still do it.
Still, with the luxury tax set at $65.42 mil, the No Cappers just aren't feasible - we're not owned by Mark Cuban for the love of George Steinbrenner!
So how do we get under? Well, we go younger, that's how (insert R. Kelly joke here). Only four players remain when we go under the cap: Nash, LeBron, D. Wade and Amare. The last three are all still playing out their piddling rookie contracts. As for Nash? Well, point guards are like diapers: overpay a bit - you'll notices the difference.
We add Dwight Howard and Yao Ming to the starting lineup because they also have piddling rookie contracts and are also very tall and very good. Plus, its two more guys who don't demand the ball! Howard can go get it off the glass, and if Yao asks for it, we'll pretend like we don't understand what he's saying, just like in the Garmin commercial.
The bench is another real beauty: six first-time contracts! 'Melo (as long as he doesn't curse us out for having a little weed...and if you believe any of that, well, Isiah has some contracts he'd like to unload on you) Josh Howard, Chris Paul, Diaw, Amare and Church.
Oh, Church: that's Kirk Hinrich. That's his new nickname, for a few reasons: One, that's what his name means, I guess (not too concerend with details here). Two, it sounds pretty badass, especially when you say it like Snoop: "Chuuuuuuuuch." Three, if you're guarding Hinrich, better say you're prayers. You're in for a long night. And four, that's where I spent many vigils, praying they'd add my favorite Kansan to the US hoops' roster.
Here's the wild card on the Cappers: Ron Artest. Tru Warrior is on the squad because no one plays harder, he'll keep everyone on their toes, he can guard anyone, and he seems happy doing really strange things. That qualifies him in my book. There is the small (huge) chance Ron Ron might go Lloyd Braun on us again, but hey...I think he's worth the risk.
This team was relatively easy to assemble though, because there are so many good - great - young players. Do you have any idea the talent that has only been in the league for three years? Yea, everyone knows Bron Bron, Wade and Melo went in the top 5 in '03, and Bosh was picked fourth...but do you know who went 6th? Chris Kaman. One of the best big men in the league. After him, the Bulls went to Church. Diaw and Josh Howard were in that draft, too! That's insane! Throw in Darko, and well...nevermind.
The year after gave us Dwight Howard, Emeka Okafor, BG7, Livingston, Devon Harris, Josh Smith...the list goes on and on. Last year we got Chris Paul, probably the second best point guard in the NBA.
And you're telling me this isn't the brink if a Golden Age? If there is a better three-year run of talent currently playing in the NBA, I want to see it. The scary thing is, the talent is slowly dwindling again. We should be good for a while, but let's hope OJ Mayo and Greg Oden keep that river running deeply and smoothly.
I think I was making a point back there...oh yea, how easy it was to put this team together. Piece of cake. Keeping that team together would be a near impossibility, though. Still, it would be fun while it lasted.
(And I still can't believe the greatest team possible only costs $29 mil more than the Knick's payroll.)
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Our Long National Nightmare is Over.
US Hoops finally wised up and added godsend Kirk Hinrich to the "try out" team. (Thanks for the headsup from p23's lightning-fast commentors. You're the best.) Beautiful. "Bout time Team USA is set at PG for the foreseeable future, as long as Chris Paul doesn't go international with his nut-punching routine.
The only question left now is, Who does Kirk replace? Because he's making this team. If you assume they'll take Point23's team (and really, why wouldn't they?), you have a couple options. If Amare is a no-go, then give him Battier's spot. If Amare is going...Michael Redd probably gets his passport revoked. Hinrich isn't quite the shooter he is, but he did shoot close to 40% from 3 last season, and he's a better perimeter defender, which we could use - remember him frustrating the hell out of D Wade in Round 1?
Honestly, I'd kick Kobe off to make room for Hinrich. I'm ecstatic he's on the team; I can't say enough good things about it.
Last order of business: He needs a nickname. He's too good not to have one. The old standby of first name initial, first syallable of last name (The Linda Cohn Formula) won't work with Kirk. And no nicknames about him being paler than Casper, either. Captain Kirk has some potential, I think, but I'm not a Star Wars geek or whatever the hell he's from...I'm really at a loss. Suggestions more than welcome.
In related news, looks like JJ won't be able to make it to tryouts, which is a shame. All those Zim...ah, all that back pain is keeping him out. Tough break, his shooting touch could have been useful, but I think we have enough shooters on this team, and JJ couldn't guard Melvin Scott. Morrison, the only other college player to be asked is going to, but he's not making it either. Good. Let's keep it to the pros. Well, I guess he's a pro now, but you know what I mean.
This team is set. I hope Angola qualifies.
12 Good Men. Plus Kirk.
Gilbert Arenas was on the phone with Coach K for half an hour the other day, telling him he would do "whatever it takes" to earn a spot on the Olympic team this summer. While I'm sure submitting a tape of the Wizar*s first round series with the Cavs will suffice, Agent Zero said he had already mastered the shorter 3 - "its like a layup" - not to mention his willingness to guard full court, dive on the floor, run through walls.
Works for me.
How great is it to have someone - other than AI - who actually wants to be there? This is a good sign. A very good sign. I long for the days of beating Angola 192-7. Sadly, those are long gone, but we should still be rocking the gold around our collective necks every four years. Shouldn't we?
Yea, we should!
I mean, our international dominance is pretty much non-existant at this point. We were an after thought at the World Baseball Classic. Our showing at the World Cup was...um, dissapointing (although Jürgen Klinsmann left Team Germany to move back to Cali...and coach US soccer! Yea!). I supposed the fact that we realy couldn't care less about international play factors in, but it still sucks to lose to countries smaller than Rhode Island. Too bad football isn't in the Olympics.
Right now USA Hoops has 22 players on its "training camp" roster. 10 have to be cut. We already know Gilbert is making the squad...so here's his 11 teammates for Operation: Be Good At Basketball Again.
Chris Paul (1).
Shooting guard. Here's where the US should exert its overwhelming dominance. Remember how USA basketball used to mean point guards? Well, they all evolved into two guards because they wanted to shoot todamn much. Regardless, we're stacked at this position. Locks include Kobe, D. Wade and the aforementioned Arenas.
We'll need some perimeter defense, which means either Bruce Bowen or Josh Howard. I'm inclined to go with Howard, for a couple of reasons: 1) He's not the dirtiest player in the NBA; Bowen is; 2) Howard is a better on the ball defender, while Bowen specializes more in chasing guys of screens; the international game has more drivers than screen-readers (think Manu, not Rip); and 3) Bowen is useless offensively, while Howard isn't. Plus, Howard is used to a subservient offensive role, being the third option being Dirk and JET. He actually thrives in that environment. Keeping in mind the team mind frame, that's crucial.
Oh, Billups isn't coming because Piper is going to give birth soon, and he's way too cool for the Olympics anyways.
Arenas (2), Kobe (3), Wade (4), J. Howard (5), Redd (6).
Swing. LeBron. Duh. And that's pretty much it in that category. Let's list the reasons why everyone else isn't coming:
- 'Melo: Basically only effective when scoring. Team USA has plenty of that; the last thing they need is a volume shooter. Don't get me wrong, 'Melo is a helluva scorer...but what else does he do? Throw in the debacle at the last Olympics, and I think its better he sits at home.
- Paul Pierce: Pretty much ditto. Just needs the ball too much.
- Antawn Jamison: Um...he sucks?
- Shawn Marion: See, the Olympics are about actual, discernable basketball skills. Marion has none. Hell of an athlete, perfect for Phoenix's system...but how terrible did he look last Olympics? Quite frankly (QUITE FRANKLY!), I'm stunned he's even on the invite list. Oh, and while we're here, here's Chuck Klostermann: "His jump shot resembles a jackrabbit heaving a pumpkin out of a manhole." Ah, that does it for me every time.
- Lamar Odom: Security is tight on those international flights. Bongs don't travel well.
- Shane Battier. Yea, he could be an intangibles guy...but I really don't think he's that good. I mean, The Logo just traded him...what's that tell you?
LeBron (7).
On the Block. Brad Miller has to be a lock here. He's a true center, plus he can step out and shoot, not to mention his passing ability, particularly from the high post. Dwight Howard is in, because he's insanely athletic and he doesn't need the ball to score: he'll get all his points on the glass after leading the L in rebounding last year. Or he was second..whatever, I don't feel like looking it up, but he was really good at it. Great, even. Elton Brand and Chris Bosh are too skilled, too talented to leave off. And the ability to step out and shoot and handle the ball a little bit are key. Pure basketball skills are paramount in the international game, and these two are as skilled a big man as you will find.Bosh (8), Brand (9), D. Howard (10), Miller (11).
The Wildcard. Here's where things get sticky. Under ideal circumstances, this is where you put Amare. Give the guy the ball on the elbow or the block, its a bucket. Runs the floor like a gazelle (always wanted to say that), finishes like a monster, all over the boards, can defend...do you see a downside? I don't. But his status is still up in the air. How hurt is he? Will he be 100%? Who knows? If he wants to play, and is healthy, I say suit him up.
But if not? Well, then I think you have to look heavily at Battier. Get another versatile defender who won't want the ball and can knock down the open shot. A team guy. Its a pretty steep drop off from Amare to Battier, but I think its the way to go.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
So who's your starting 5? Probably something like this: CP3 at the 1, Kobe at the 2, LeBron at the 3, Brand at the 4 and Miller at the 5.
The great part about this team is the lack of clashing personalities. Wade has already demonstrated the ability to be a option No. 2, but then take over at crunch time. Arenas already said he'll do "whatever." Josh Howard thrives as the un-focal point of an offense. LeBron gave his teammates every opportunity in the world to succeed last year; he was unselfish to a fault. Kobe has to continue rebuilding his image; he has no choice but to be a team player on this kind of stage. Of the big guys, only Bosh and maybe Brand really need the ball to thrive.And are there two people in the world you'd want in a big spot more than Kobe or Wade? Didn't think so.
So while its not the perfect American team (come play with us Shaq, Duncan, T.Mac, KG, Kidd...HINRICH!), its more than serviceable. That's a gold medal team right there, no doubt.
Now its up to Coach K to make the right decisions.
(Gulp.)
New Faces, New Places.
There's been alot of player movement lately, hasn't there? What's that? You feel a little confused? You need it all sorted out for you? What's that? You want a nice, tidy list of the most important moves? Fine, fine...but only because it's you. I wouldn't do this for anyone else. Just you.
The Most Important Moves of the Off Season, So Far, In Descending Order:
Mike Gansey signs a 2 year deal with the Heat. I'm telling you, this matters. In 10 years, when they do the "How Everyone Should Have Been Drafted" thing, Gansey will be in the top 10. He'll be a solid role player on a championship-caliber team(s), while 75% of this draft is flipping burgers. (Actually, they all went to college. Hmm. They'll all be managers. At burger joints.) Plus, he might wear a t-shirt in an NBA game. Have I mentioned this yet?
Tyson Chandler for PJ and JR. The Bulls get a tall guy who can actually put the ball in the basket, so thats nice. Plus they have Mr. Unlimited Potential in JR Smith. The NOOCH get a tall neck beard to play some D. Whatever.
Lakers sign Vlad Rad. Kobe has a shooter now. Like he's passing anyways. Even though the Lakers needed a shooter, if Vlad is starting for you, you aren't that good. Good job though. Filled a need. Hopefully Mr. Tumnus takes advantage of it.
Peja signs with NOOCH. Peja should fit in offensively for the NOOCH - but not for 64 million dollars over 5 years. Are you kidding me? This makes the Nene deal look responsible. That...that's just too much money. You do that deal if you are a piece away from a conference or league title. Not too get you into the playoffs. How good does the NOOCH think they are? I think they they are a legit contender, they're kidding themselves. This isn't the NFL; you don't go from not making the playoffs to winning it all.
I like the NOOCH bringing in Bobby Jackson though. I always liked his game, even in college with Minnesoata. (By the way, I can't believe I'm old enough that I remember guys playing in college who are close to retiring - or actually retiring. Kinda freakin myself out right now.)
Jason Terry re-ups with the Mavs. So Jason Terry gets 10 mil less than Nene - 50 mil over 6 years. But JET is a proven player who took your team to the Finals. I like where your heads at, Dallas. Smart move. Man's entering his prime, he's clutch, and he's the only person who can make a Cheryl Miller interview bearable. Who woulda thought he'd be the best player off of Arizona's national championship team? (I had my money on AJ Bramlet.)
Speedy decides to spend four years in priso...er, the ATL. Hey, the Hawks have a PG! He's not going to be anAll Star or anything, but the fact that they got someone that good to sign there is a borderline miracle. Honestly, would you want to play there? The courts are telling them who they can sign for the love of Dominique. But really...this really, really helps, I think. Speedy at the 1, Joe Johnson at the 2, and then a bunch of 6-7, 6-9 types in the front court. Too bad they drafted Sheldon. Baby steps, Atlanta...baby steps.
Indiana is a better team this year. Now with Daniels and Danny Granger, Year 2 and Stephen Jackson, that's a pretty nice back court, providing Anthony Johnson plays like he did agaisnt the Nets in the first round. JO on the block...maybe Harrington coming in? Say what you will about Jermaine O'Neal, but he's have a bona fide go to guy. I'd love to have him on my team (actually, I'd love to have a team...that would be pretty neat, wouldn't it?) and he's going to have a huge year this year. Mark my words.
Mike James signs with the T-Pups. Atta boy, McHale! Now this is a playoff team! Actually, this team still sucks, but KG had better get it in the playoffs. An 8 seed, something. They are set at the 1 with James and Foy. KG needs to keep the legelally insane Ricky Davis in line and Eddie Griffin's hands out of his pants (Seriously, KG, tell him about the groupies. Be a leader, for God's sake.) and this team has some serious sleeper potential. Love the Mike James signing, though; can't say enough about it.
Honestly, Tim Thomas could get the Clippers to the Conference Finals, if not to the Finals. Yea, Phoenix gets Amare back, but will he be there all year? And the same player he was? Plus, Nash is a year older...Something to think about.
The Bulls steal Big Ben away from the Pistons. The 'fro of the Pistons stays in-conference. HAHA. God, I can't wait to watch the Bulls run all over the Pistons. Flip Saunders is getting fired this year. He'll maintain that the Pistons can play offense with everyone else, which is a very, very bad idea. How are they going to score? Billups shooting pull up 3's? Rip running off screens? Sheed doing whatever the hell he wants? Nope. They started slacking on D and Big Ben covered there asses all year. Unless they commit to the defensive end, they are toast. Has a team ever gone from 4 All Stars one year to none the next?
Oh yea, the Bulls got better. They still can't win a title with that team. They need a stud. Although I guess we said the same thing about the Pistons, and they won...but that was before the offensive rule changes. They need someone they can just throw the ball to - whether it be on the wing or the block - and just get a duece or a trip to the FT line. The Final Four last year all had at least one of those guys. Until they get one, they're just a team to be scared as hell of.
The Class of '03 is smart. Well, Bronny is the smartest. They're all following his lead. But they are setting themselves up for some big paydays. And the more I think about it, they aren't in the best situations. Melo's team just signed Nene for 10 mil a year. The Heat, minus Shaq, are a freakin' trainwreck. Once he's gone, I don't think I'd wanna be there either. And yea, the Raps are making an effort...but they drafted a girl with their first pick. And one wrong fall, and their PG is permanently retired. So Bosh isn't safe, either, although he's the lone one of the quartet not to copy LeBron. Yet. Just goes to show you: LeBron's always one step ahead of the game.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Selfish Bronny?
So Bron Bron re-uped with the Cavs, which was about as surprising as jumping into a pool and getting wet, although all those conspiracy theories sure were fun. And that was nice of Simmons to scare the bejeezus out of me. Thanks, Bill.
The question: Is that selfish?
Clearly, from a business standpoint, it makes sense. As Simmons notes in this article (although not in this context) LeBron could pull a Ricky Williams for the next three years and still sign a max deal. He'll be signing max deals for the rest of his career. So why wouldn't he want to sign one ASAP? He's guaranteeing himself more green. Financially, its the right move.
On the other side, he hasn't made the strongest commitment possible to Cleveland, who is probably going to be scared blind again in three years. Since he'll be unrestricted and all. And he held out for 30% of the cap, instead of 25%...I mean, at that point, do you even need that much money? Unless you're Bassy and rolling 150 deep, once you have that much money, you're pretty much set, right?
But if I'm LeBron, I'm doing this, and it has nothing to do with the money. Yea, I want to bring a title to Cleveland...but I don't want to do it alone. Getting crushed by four Pistons at a time was fun and all, but hopefully I can get some better help than Damon Jones, yes? (Freakin' MIKE GANSEY - a p23 fave, by the way - isn't better than The Butler? He's just as good a shooter - probably better - and can actually get in someone's way, if not actually guard them. Plus, he could be the first player I can remember to wear a t-shirt under his jersey. I see no downside.)
The point is, this puts the onus on the Cleveland brass. The message is clear: Yea, I'm staying and I want to be here and win here, but if you guys keep shelling out dinero for scrubs like Damon Jones and Larry Hughes, I'm outta here. Which is good. Very good.
Everyone's a little uncomfortable. And that's good. No one's getting comfortable or complacent. The thing is, Bronny won 50 games with a buncha scrubs. And the better he gets, the more games Cleveland will win. So it'll be hard to tell how hard they are trying to get better. Here's how you can tell if they are:
Did they genuinely try to get a point guard?
Did they genuinely try to get a sharp shooter?
And that's the list; The LeBrons can make due with the rest. Will that happen? Well, I'm sure we'll witness something over the next four years.
I still think I'd take the max deal now. But that's just me. I don't have to keep La La happy for the rest of my life.
RIP, Barbaro. Please?
I wish Barbaro would die.
Quickly, too, so I don't have to hear that much about it. Maybe a bullet to the head, or he drowns in his special little pool. A horsie heart attack, perhaps. Whatever. Just get him the hell off my radar.
Apparently, our little champ has developed "potentially serious" complications. I can only pray. If "potentially" means "really" and "serious" means "dead," you can call me officialy giddy.
I'm sick of having to hear about him (Good God, that sounded like Skip Bayless. I'll simmer). I would honestly rather hear another Barry Bonds story at this point. Barbaro makes steriods seem fresh and interesting. (Ironically, though, they may have the two largest heads I can think of. Lick finger and draw an imaginary tally on my imaginary board that keeps track of clever things I say.)
At first, I guess I can see why Barbaro was getting some ink. Lots of people watched Elmer's golden boy snap his leg live on national TV, so I'm sure they wanted to know what happened. But now? Let it go, man. Let it go.
I'm genuinely at a loss as to why he gets so much attention. He's a damn horse. A HORSE! Let's put it this way: if the jockey riding Barbaro had fallen of the horse, been trampled, and sent to the hospital in critical condition, we wouldn't hear as much about him as Barbaro. I don't know if that's funny or sad or both. We might have heard about it initially, but months afterwards? Nu uh.
The support of the public over a walking glue stick has been appalling. (No, not appalling; that makes me sound like Jay Mariotti. All I need after that is to yell "WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?!?!" and wear my hair all wavy, and I'd be Jay. So not appalling.) The support has been...well, pathetic. That works, I think.
Explain to me your mindset when you write a letter of support to a horse. And like, thousands of people have done this. I just don't get it, and I'm not trying to be clever or funny or anything...please explain to me your thought process. I won't even question it. I just want to hear one. Yea, yea, there's all those "he can't read" jokes...but you know what? He can't. Plus, he's a horse. Why didn't anyone write any letters to the animals that died in Katrina? Surely, their suffering was much greater, and much nobler. But no one did. Know why? Because they are animals and they matter less than Mexico.
The whole situation is just pointless. Which is why I'm voting for Barbaro to end up like the horsie from the Godfather: headless, drenched in its own blood, and dead. Really dead.
Of course, then you'll have all the tribute pieces. And all the reasons for why he died article. And I'm sure ESPN will cut in with live coverage of is funeral. Damnit. That's no good. Maybe he should just get better real quick and go live a quite life in anonymity?
Nah. Dead is better.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Federer is a Ballsy Genius
I don't watch too much tennis. At least not since it was on USA and Michael Chang was relevant (I had an irrational soft spot for Michael Chang; I have no idea why.) But from what I've gathered, there are basically only two relevant players - Roger Federer and Rafeal Nadal. Federer hasn't lost on grass ever apparently, but Nadal is whooping his ass in majors this year. I think. Anyways, its quite a rivalry. The Tiger/Phil of tennis, if you will.
Rafael has the one thing that Roger doesn't: balls. I don't even think Rafael has two; I think he has three....Roger might have them, but against Nadal they shrink to a very small size and it's not once. It's every time.That's just spectacular. I don't even know what the craziest past of that quote is...one player has an extra testicle...one player has the ability to shrink his testicles...or the guy who said it is named "Mats" and he's a "former tennis champ." Was he the champion of all tennis at some point that I'm not aware of? Did he just win one little event and then dub himself a former tennis champ? Can you even do that? Regardless, Mats is the champion of all tennis and has a deep knowledge of the player's testicular abilities. Sweet.
- former tennis champ Mats Wilander
Anyways, apparently the winner of Wimbledon is supposed to wear - or gets, or something - a cream colored jacket. I'm not really sure the deal with the cream jacket, but somehow its linked with the winner. Not the coolest thing a champ ever got to wear, but whatever.
And here's why Nadal had no chance (other than being weighed down by a third nut): Federer wore the jacket before the match even began. He wore it to the warmup! That's a pretty ballsy thing to do (considering his shrinking balls, even more so). And I'm not sure, but I think he wore it to all his other matchres in the tourney, too. I don't care if you don't like tennis or Federer, that's a pretty damn cool thing to do.
And then he went out and iced Nadal. That's a statement. I guess you can say he wore it as a reminder that he had won the last three...but I choose to look the other way, and you should, too. He wore because he was telling Nadal: "See this? I'm going to win it. Again. I already won this match. That's nice of you to show up, but it wasn't really necessary. I am going to obliterate you and you're crowded scrotum. Enjoy."
Imagine of other teams in other sports did that. What if the White Sox took BP with their rings? Or the Spurs would warmup with banners draped around them? That's must see TV right there, my friend.
(Oh, apperntly this is what the jacket is all about: It was made by Nike, and has a crest that included a tuft of grass, the Swiss cross, the symbol for his Leo star sign, an F for his surname, and three racquets which represent his three Wimbledon titles. Um...can I have one?)
