Never thought I'd see the day. Really, I didn't: Shaun Alexander succumbed to the Madden Curse.
Damnit.
But I was in denial. Somewhere along the line, I had a change of heart. I slowly started seeing the signs. 50 yards and a TD. That's all he was capable of? I questioned his desire. I called him complacent. I kicked several wiener dogs and John Clayton. I turned on the man who handed me my first fantasy championship ever.
I had all but made up my mind to trade him. I was simply waiting for Tuesday, for the dust to settle from Week 3, and then I was pulling the trigger (on a trade, not on the gun pointed at my head). Then the headline pops up: "Reigning MVP out indefinitely." Um....fuck.
This was the two-by-four that broke the camel's back. I believe now, John. You convinced me. I get it, alright? You can knock it off now.
I was never a Madden Curse Believer. I always thought the proof was a little flimsy: Eddie George had a career year. Ray Lewis still had a good year. Donovan McNabb...well, who wouldn't feel the affects of pairing yourself with TO? And Faulk, well...Martz was in the midst of ruining his career anyways. Vick and Culpepper? Hey, Madden, you put two scrambling QB's on the cover, you run a little risk, eh?
But this one hits home, John. This was completely unnecessary. Shaun never did anything to you! None of those other players had hopes and fantasy dreams pinned on them like Shaun. He's a good guy John!
This was just collateral damage to prove a point. This was like Hadley killing that crying inmate at the beginning of Shawshank: we get it, man. You do as you please with no repercussions. But you don't have to be a jerk about it.
Hopefully this is just a couple weeks, and Shaun comes back sooner rather than later with a renewed a vengence. He still is an elite back with all-world potential, and Lord knows the T-Birds need him.
But Alexander going down raises a bigger question: would you, as an NFL supa-star, allow yourself to be put on the cover of Madden? I can't imagine anyone except Tiki Barber agreeing to do so (he'll do anything, man - anything). Athletes are notoriously driven by routine and superstition. The Madden Curse - believe it or not - has seemed to have reached a point where you don't even want to mess with it, if only because you'll have to deflect questions and rumors about it all year. Why would you even want to deal with it? Surely it can be that much more money than you are already making?
I just don't see how its worth it.
But someone has to be on the cover next year. Here's the most likely candidates:
Peyton Manning (2:1). He's up there with Tiki Barber for Top Sellout of the Year (not that that's a bad thing, per se...just sayin'). Is there a product associated with the NFL that Peyton doesn't endorse? Don't get me wrong, I love every single commercial he's done - checkin' to pancakes! - but he's clearly a Madison Ave. darling and the clear cut favorite to grace the cover in 2007. Which means one thing and one thing only: Let the Jim Sorgi Era begin.
Reggie Bush (2.5:1). Don't do it, Reggie! Just don't! I know you are dying to be on the cover with your bad-ass stare and your 619 eye-black strips, but this isn't just for your own good: this is for the good of the entire NFL. On behalf of humanity, just don't do it, alright?
Carson Palmer (4:1). Comeback player of the year tosses 35 TDs and leads a deep playoff run? Sounds good to me. You thought coming back from a torn ACL was tough, Carson? Try bouncing back from the Madden Cover Jinx. You'll be vacationing with Kimo von Olhaffen (I am not looking up how to spell his name - that's how it sounds and you know who I mean) in a month.
LaDanian Tomlinson (6:1). "This is Sports Center." Then Briscoe High. Madden seems to be the next logical step for our visor-wearing halfback. LT is on pace for one hell of a fantasy season. You think the Madden Curse is scared? Hmpf. You've no idea its power! None!
Duante Culpepper (1,000,000:1). This is what Madden should do: throw Culpepper on the cover. Yea, sales may plummet, but what's the worst that could happen to Peps? They actually lose to the Titans? I see the exact opposite happening: Culpepper reverse jinxes Madden and rejuvenates himself back into his form from two years ago, and in the process, eliminates The Curse altogether! Yea! This could work! No, really!
This plan is completely infallible. Its really the only course of action. Just do it John. Before we all hate you. There's still time.
Either that, or do us all a favor and put Joe Theisman on the cover.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Would You Put Yourself on the Cover of Madden?
I'm Positive. Well, I'm Pretty Sure.
I just want to make this prediction before things get completely out of hand, and everyone jumps on this bandwagon: The Raiders are going winless this season. 0-16. Mark it down.
I really don't see how they can turn it around. I mean, do you? Aaron Brooks is the best QB they have. Think about that. Their O-line just gets absolutely manhandled. Randy Moss just quit. (Seriously, if you think Mr. I Play When I Wanna is trying hard at all this season, well...you're wrong.)
Not only will the Raidaaaaas (go to hell, Berman) go winless, but this season has the potential to be off-the-charts on several levels: comedic, sad, embarrassing, historical, depressing, secretly enjoyable and many more. There's really something for everybody. I mean, when you have you're No. 2 wide receiver being accused of openly cheering for your team to lose - by the second week of the season - you are off to a tremendous start. And when that same receiver denies that accusation by saying he wasn't even playing attention, so how could he have possibly been cheering for anyone at all?...well, that's just special.
Let's take a peek at their remaining schedule, shall we? With a close eye on everybody's favorite teammate, of course.
Cleveland
I have never been more pumped to start Braylon Edwards for my fantasy team. Romeo Crennell kinda resembles Art Shell, a little, though, doesn't he? Minus the whole coma thing.
Jerry Porter Update: Our main man is spotted ordering pizza, nachos, and a large creatine shake from the concession in mid-game. Denies allegations.
@ San Fran
Alex Smith, welcome to your coming out party. That frisky Niners D you saw pressure McNabb in the second half on Sunday? Let's just say they may become acquainted with The Glitch.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter is seen giving Art Shell bunny ears during the first quarter while Shell stares aimlessly into space.
@ Denver
Mike Shannahan may be a little excited for this one, no? Seizing the chance to humiliate his former employer, the Broncos run up the score to the tune of 113-0. Al Davis becomes so distraught, he uses shampoo by accident.
Jerry Porter Update: Jerry brings a trampoline onto the field, jumps on it, and blocks a field goal in the second quarter. Art Shell doesn't blink. Porter denies using the trampoline, but will later accept an ESPY for Most Entertaining Play of the Year a few months later.
Arizona
You know, the Raiders have a pretty crappy schedule up to this point, all things considered. I'm really excited to see how the Raiders blow these games against sub-par teams. On a side note, Kurt Warner should get some PT in this one.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter organizes a Texas Hold 'Em tournament on the sideline. Art Shell's poker face is unrivaled.
Pittsburgh
Um, 'member what I said 'bout a crappy schedule? I'ma go ahead and take that back now. Their next 5 games are absolutely brutal. Troy Paulamalu is going to invite some of his Briscoe High teammates to play in this one...like the actors and the extras and stuff. Joey Porter's horse-murdering dog may also see some time.
Jerry Porter Update: In honor of Pittsburgh running back Najeh Davenport, Porter poops on the Steelers logo...and doesn't wipe.
Phillip Rivers had success through the air against these guys. I'm sure the Hasslebeck and his B-listers will have mild success through the air. (Ed. note: "the Hasslebeck" was a typo...but it made me laugh. So I'm leaving it in, and from now on, the bald QB in Seattle with the worst NFL Network commercials ever will be referred to as "The Hasslebeck.")
Jerry Porter Update: Joey spitshines his WWF belt for much of the third quarter. During the fourth, he straps it on, struts over to Randy Moss and says "Bet you wish you had one of these!" Moss bursts into tears, sobbing over and over again: "I do, I do wish I had one of those, you're right, I do."
Denver
Oh boy. Back to Denver again. Shanahan is so excited, he has to employ the Boner Tuck all game. Nothing worse than the Boner Tuck - "Will you do the next problem at the board?" "Oh shit...um yea...one sec...can I take my notebook? No...OK, hang on..." - but Shanahan doesn't mind. In fact, he looks like Mr. Enzyte all game.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter goes to the game naked with a barrell around his torso. Paints his face orange and blue. Carries a stick with a Bronco head mounted on the end. Denies cheering for Denver.
@ Kansas City
There were three great fantasy backs heading into the season: LT - who lit the Raiders up without even really trying on opening week; Shaun Alexander - who tripped on a wiener dog and broke his foot, but should be back in time to run rampant on Oakland in Week 9; and finally Larry Johnson. This is going to be an absolute blood bath. With no passing game to speak off - Damon Huard? - the Chiefs will be forced to run it every single time, no exceptions, like the forward pass hasn't even been invented yet. LJ will be near 300 yards. I'm telling you, this will be an historic night. Mark your calendars.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter challenges Ronald Curry to a game of one-on-one. Sets up a portable hoop on the sideline. Curry wins only when Porter double-dribbles on game point.
@ San Diego
LT, Part deaux. By now, I would imagine the Raiders have quit altogether. They are just openly mailing it in. Warren Sapp playing quarterback, letting Jerry Porter wear his WWF belt during games, Art Shell is taking naps on the sidelines. Plus, LT will be mad that LJ (nicknames suck anymore, you know that?) did so well last week, he will be inspired to go for 400 yards.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter comes to the game visibly drunk. He takes a shot every time he comes off the field in the first half. In the second half, he attempts to play "Edward 40 Hands" and still catch a pass. He is unsuccessful, but does pee on the goalpost, saying, "That's nice...ah, that's nice."
Houston
Now, you might think late in the season that the Raiders could steal one from Houston, right? I mean, for all intents and purposes, this game will likely decide the No. 1 draft pick. And do you think Houston wants anything to do with that position ever, ever again? Hell no. An inspired Luigi Williams runs roughshod over Robert Gallery en route to Rookie of the Week Honors, a Texans win and the No. 2 overall pick.
(While we're here: You know how there is Rookie of the Week, Month, Year, etc? Why can't there be awards for "Second-Year POY?" And third year? And so on? Can't each year have its own awards? I think that would be fun. Plus, guys like Brad Johnson and Morten Anderson would win an award every single week. And wouldn't it be fun to see who did they best from the Class of 1998? Something to think about, anyways.)
Jerry Porter Update: Porter is suspended one game for peeing on the goalpost, although he does cause YouTube to crash for the first time ever. Porter buys a ticket to the game, sits behind the Texans bench, and gives them the Raiders playbook. He has a hard time convincing them it really is their playbook at first - it is written on several napkins and half a legal tablet - but eventually the inside info get Mario Williams his first sack.
LOL.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter gives Art Shell a droopy. Twice. Shell blinks. Rest of team gasps in shock - that Shell blinked.
St.Louis
Another crappy team! Oakland can't be too mad at their schedule; they play some legitimately un-good teams. If they weren't entirely inept, they could scrape together 4 or 5 wins easily. Unfortunately, they are entirely inept, so they won't.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter buys some GHB from Sebastian Janakowski (he had some) and slips it into Art Shell's gatorade. Janakowski says "dat ess like shooting rhino with bee bee gun." Porter then takes the GHB himself and passes out on the 50 yard line.
Kansas City
KC/Oak is kind of a big rivalry, no? LJ comes back for crack numba two, and fantasy owners every where rejoice that he got to play Oakland in the playoffs.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter scores his first touchdown of the season and, as a celebration dance, masturbates in the endzone.
@ NY Jets
You think Mangina is going out with a loss? You think Shelled is going out with a win? That's what I thought.
Jerry Porter Update: Porter reenacts the opening scene from "The Last Boy Scout." Raider Nation applauds.
Monday, September 25, 2006
The Week That Was: Week 3
Some thoughs from Sunday's games...
Can you believe Keyshawn Johnson scored on a reverse? Actually, can you even believe the Panthers ran a reverse with Keyshawn? If there was a race with all NFL recievers, I'm pretty sure Key would finish last. Name me a slower wide reciever. I dare you.
I'm pretty sure you could land an airplane on Merril Hodge's head. Honestly, if he shaved his head, I think it would look like a gallon of milk turned upside-down. Also, I hate him.
I hate TJ Houshmanzadeh, too. I don't even know why. I think its his girl hair. Actually, I'm positive it's his girl hair. God, I hate it. Shave your head, TJ, then we can be boys again. Til then, wear an orange scrunchie. Championship!
Poor Frank Gore. I'm pretty sure Coach Nazi has the gas chamber all ready to go. On the plus side, we get to see Michael Robinson and his enormous head carry the ball more. So that'll be fun.
(And by "real teams," I mean everyone except the Raiders.)
Um, if I was a Dolphins fan, I'd be pretty scared right now. 13-10. To the Titans? How the hell is Culpepper messing up that offense? Every skill position is stacked. I really hope for Culpeppers sake that his o-line just blows. Because if his O-line is solid, then...well...bad news for the chile pepper.
When Peyton Manning fooled the hell out of the Jag's D end, what do you think was going through his mind? You know how you can think of like 37 things in about half a second? His mind had to have been putting in overtime: "OK, here comes the handoff, lemme fly after this runne....FUCK! Oh shit, Peyton still has it...Oh, shit, there just went my knee...I look like some jackass propsing to his fiance...Fucking A! I can't believe I have to get up and run after Peyton Freaking Manning and he's gonna handily beat me to the endzone! This is some humiliating shit right here...How many times are they gonna show this on Sport Center? What an asshole."
Attention: I will be bitching about fantasy football now, which no one wants to read. I know this. This isn't about you. This is about me. Skip to the next paragraph. With the 4:15 games winding down, I'm in a dead-even game. Donovan McNabb, my MVP, is sitting on 296 yards passing. The game against the Niners is well in hand, but the Eagles have the ball in Niners territory and decide to take a "Why the hell not?" chance at the endzone. So Donnie Mac lofts a gorgeous ball to the endzone, where Reggie Brown promptly drops it. Of course he does. McNabb doesn't throw again the rest of the game. So I lose out on the touchdown points, the 300+ bonus points, and eventually, a win. So Reggie Brown: Go hang out with Freddie Mitchell. (And then Shaun Alexander breaks his foot. I love life right now).
There's only three reasons to watch Around the Horn: You enjoy Michael Smith, you enjoy Stat Boy Reali, or you enjoy watching Woody Page mock the show and read his little chalkboard. Those are the only three. I enjoy Michael Smith, so I was paying attention when he came on some random sports center segment with this gem: Deion Branch told Javon Walker not to play in New England when he was seeking a trade, so he gets himself traded to Denver. Then Deion get himself traded to Seattle. Then Javon torches a Deion-less Pats team on SNF. There's a few ways to burn some bridges, but that's a pretty damn good one, Deion. Props.
Brett Favre - whoda thunk, eh? As long as he keeps slinging it to Greg Jennings, I'm all for the Brett Favre reemergence.
Those Briscoe High commercials always confused me. They were cool and everything, but shouldn't a team comprised of Mike Vick, LT, Brian Urlacher and Deion Sander's adopted son be killing high school teams? Like, they shouldn't need a halfback pass on the last play of the game to win, should they? And why the hell is LT throwing the game winning pass when they have Mike Vick at quarterback!?!?
The Falcons had no chance in that game, anyways. With all the energy and karma going on, Atlanta was screwed. They might as well have been playing against Katrina herself.
Finally, in its off week, the Oakland Raiders held a football clinic for St.Mary's School for the Blind and lost, 24-10. Art Shelled and The Glitch were unavailable for comment.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Peter King's Fantasy
Fantasy footall's ridiculous emergence is a good thing. I don't think anyone will argue against that. Anyone with a vague interest in the NFL and a heartbeat plays in a league. So it would follow that its pretty near impossible to watch, listen to or read anything relating to the NFL without someone somehow tying it to its fantasy implications.
Sadly, its gotten out-of-hand. NFL experts who are good at what they do - being experts on the NFL - for some reason, can't translate that into making solid fantasy tips. Or even suggestions. The biggest culprit here, to my knowledge, is Peter King. Pete's football columns are sweet. But when he dwaddles on over to fantasy land, its more times than not confusing, pointless, and a waste of time. He writes a little column called "Ten fantasy tips." Here's what I mean:
My words in italics; Pete's in "normal."
* * * * * * *
Tip of the Week: And don't even hesitate on the first of my 10 pieces of advice for Week 3.
1. Play Clinton Portis against Houston -- no matter who the other running back options are on your team. Some weeks, some players just feel right, even if they're not fully healthy. This week has at least 125 yards and a touchdown written all over it for Portis.
It's a must-win game for Washington, which is going against the 32nd-rated defense in the league. Big-time players play big when it really counts. Says Portis: "They [the Texans] can expect a full-throttle Portis. It's no setbacks or limited plays for me."
Alright, off to a good start. Play Portis, no matter what. Some solid advice, even if it is based on a complete gut feel and Portis saying he's ready to go, which he didn't say last week. (Oh, he did say that last week? Hmm. That makes me scratch my chin...)
OK, so D-Jax and Engram will get more snaps...but, like, a lot? Are they worth starting? In case I have all four of those recievers on my team, I'll just start Jackson and Engram. You're right, Pete, that is an interesting week in Seattle. Thanks for bringing it to my attention; I hadn't noticed the whole "Branch goes to Seattle" subplot and wondered how it would affect me fantasy-wise. Thanks for clearing it up.
3. Other than Kerry Collins, I would play any other starting quarterback this week ahead of Jake Plummer. That has more to do with my high regard for the New England defense than with my disrespect for Plummer, who will break out soon enough but not on Sunday night. Watch Ellis Hobbs, Jake. He's the real deal.
So...does this mean I should start New England's defense? I sure hope you were subtly - almost unnoticeably - trying to make that point, because surely NOT starting Jake Plummer is not one of the 10 most pressing things you needed to tell yuor audience, was it? I mean, it's not like the entire state of Colorado clammoring for Jake's head in favor of a rookie has made national news, has it?
You do, however, tell Jake to avoid Ellis Hobbs, however. So, after three "tips" the standing look like this:
Worthwhile and/or usable advice given to:
Jake Plummer: 1
National readership: 0
OK, I'll remember Doug Gabriel. I'll never forget him. Promise. And Watson and Brown will get better...um, Pete? Any idea when? Kinda have a game this week...will they be useful? And oh yea: that rookie wide reciever they drafted in the second round that had a TD last week? Any thoughts there? Should I remember him, too?
5. I like Eli Manning a lot in Seattle. He was able to overcome those eights sacks and win on the road at Philly last week because he's got some determined playmakers around him.
Thank God Eli pulled that win out. I got a lot of points for the 'W' next to his name in the stat line. Saved my season, that win did. And his playmakers? Woo-ee. Solid. In fact, I think at flex this week, I'm starting "NYG Playmakers." I bet I win. Thanks, Pete.
6. I like Edgerrin James a lot this weekend too. Startling stat of the week: Opposing backs are rushing for 5.0 yards a carry against St. Louis, and you should have seen the look on James' face this week. He's ticked off that everyone thinks he can't run without that Indy offensive line. He might not break off a big run, but I think he'll get a touchdown, if not two, against the Rams.
Lotta man love going around this week, eh? That stat is startling: 5.0 per rush. And if ou aren't confident Edge can break a big run against that pourous of a defense, explain to me again why I should sart him?
7. Daunte Culpepper is the luckiest man in the league this weekend. He desperately needs a gimme, and wouldn't you know it, the Raiders have a bye this week. Luckily, the Tennessee Titans are willing to fly to south Florida. Culpepper comes back big, very big, this weekend, because Tennessee can't pressure the pocket.
Now, here's some good advice: Start Culpepper. At least he tried on that one. I don't tend to agree -"big, very big" ain't happening - but Pep could play good. We'll call it a draw.
8. So you want to know which Bengal receivers to play. The only healthy one is number four Kelley Washington, now that Chris Henry has a strained groin. I'm going to give you a cliche answer, based on a conversation I had with Chad Johnson recently. I don't care if he's got a headache, and a bad one, apparently. What he has inside of him is a voracious desire to play well against the Steelers, and if Carson Palmer doesn't throw him at least seven balls Sunday, Johnson's going to have a fit. So if you've got him, don't worry about the Steelers blitz or the other Bengal wideouts. Johnson will shine on Sunday.
Oh really? I should play the first receiver I drafted, no matter what? Even though he has a headache? Careful Pete...that limb is pretty flimsly. Don't wanna go out to far, now do we?
9. I'm not one to go too crazy on mid-week injuries in practice. But Simeon Rice wasn't playing well before tweaking his knee in practice Thursday, and the Bucs have no other pass-rusher who might scare Jake Delhomme. That means one thing and one thing only -- Keyshawn Johnson: six catches, 103 yards, two touchdowns.
Now, Pete knows more about the NFL than me. Clearly. But isn't it strange to recommend a reciever for an offense that scored 6 and 13 points, respectively, in its first to games? And the defense he's playing against...hasn't everyone been blown away by its opponents ability to run againt them? Didn't Atlanta rush for 946 yards last week? And isn't Jake Delhomme struggling like a mad man without Steve Smith? (He is, I've had him on my fantasy team.)
At least he made a prediction though. He gets points for originality.
10. The Saints, surprisingly, are among the league leaders with a 3.5-yard average per opponents' rush. Atlanta is coming to town. Emotional game. I'd love to tell you it'll continue for the Saints. But it won't. New Orleans has played two weak run-blocking lines -- Cleveland's and Green Bay's -- and the Saints don't have the bulk or the speed to stop the inside run or the rush on the edge of Warrick Dunn or Jerious Norwood. Expect big numbers from the Birds on the ground, just like in the first two weeks.
Ah, there we go. Finally got around to that in a round about sort of way.So that's my plea. Football writers - stick to football. There are nerds who lock themselves in their mom's basement all summer figuring this stuff out. Let them do what they do, and you do what you do. We'll call it a truce.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Position U.
Mario Manningham got me thinking.
After watching him light up Notre Dame (I love when ND gets torched on their own network, and they obviously biased announcers don't know how to handle it; NBC even ran a commercial for Michigan St!) it got me thinking about about all of Michigans WR. It seems like Michigan just churns out great (at the college level, anyways) wide receivers.
Michigan should bill themselves at WR U. You know what? I bet they do. That might explain why they get all those great wide outs
So if Michigan is WR U, what other schools can lay claim to being a position official school? I'm talking in recent memory. I don't have an exact date, mainly becuase I'm not looking rosters and years up - just recently, OK? This is off the top of my head. Like Desmond Howard doesn't count for Michigan.
Here we go.
Quarterback U.
The problem with this is that there are like 9 good quarterbacks in the NFL, and half of them played in the MAC. I guess you could say Cal; there's been a lot of hype around the Tedford quarterbacks, but they don't really do anything in the NFL.
I'm saying USC is now QB U. It started with Carson Palmer and his Heisman. Then Matt Leinart took it over, chilled with Nick Lachey (which everyone thought was cool as shit - isn't Lachey pretty much a pretty boy who emberrasses himself every time Cincinnati is on TV?) and won the Heisman. They even had Matt Cassell riding pine (which prepared him well for riding pine in the NFL). Now they plug John David Booty Call into the mix, and there's little drop off.
So either USC or Manning U. Pick one.
Auburn. Hands down. Rudi Johnson (hell of a weekend for the T-Birds, Rudi, hell of a week) started things off, then was followed by Cadillac and Ronnie Brown. Plus, Freakin' Huge Brandon Jacobs was there but transferred. Now they got that Irons guy beating the hell out of people.
You could make a pretty convicing argument for Miami, though: Portis, Edge, McGahee, now Frank Gore coming out of no where. Miami probably has better talent in the NFL, but in the last 5 years or so, I'd say Auburn has had a better class. The U really has fallen of lately, hasn't it?
Wide Receiver U.
As we said above, Michigan is at the top of the wide out class. Manningham and Breaston are already monsters. Then you got Braylon Edwards, Jason Avant, David Terrell, um...Marquis Walker...man, those wide outs really blow in the NFL. Oh Tai Streets! Wait, never mind...
Defensive Backs U.
The U. When I think of great secondaries, Miami is really the only school that comes to mind. Ed Reed, Antrelle Rolle, Sean Taylor, Philip Buchanon, Mike Rumph....um, I feel like there's more...But, yea, you aren't putting together a better secondary than that.
I don't know if their last 5 years has been that great at the postion - oh wait, it hasn't - but the last few years have been pretty good for Thee Ohio State University at 'backer. Brady's Quinn's sister's girlfriend/wife/baby momma was pretty good. So was Bobby Carpenter and that other guy I can never remember. Quite a trio. Now they got the Laurenitis guy (sounds like something you catch at the beginning of November - "Yea, that Laurenitis is goin' around...got me some Halls, though, I'm good, I'm good").
This is kind of like when they put Shaq on the NBA's 50th Anniversery Team: technically, he probably shouldn't have been on there, but it was going to be the right move a few years down the line. Same thing here. OSU is gonna be stacked there for years to come.
O-line and D-line U.
Um, I know like Orlando Pace and Julius Peppers. So Ohio State an North Carolina. Happy?
Saturday, September 16, 2006
WEEK TWO PICKS
I felt like making some picks. Maybe I'll keep this up for the season. Maybe I won't. Who knows. Anyways, here they are.
Buffalo at Miami (-6.5)
Culpepper's gonna have to show a little more than that, I think, before I'm hopping on that bandwagon. He didn't look very good last week, did he? Granted, he was playing against a ferocious Pittsburgh D, but still...he looked atrocious at the end of that game. On the flip side, Buffalo's defense looked tough and stingy (London Fletcher: tackling machine) against the Pats, picking Brady off a few times. Using the always reliable circular logic, that means Buffalo does some good.
The pick: Buffalo
Carolina (-1) at Minnesota
Screw week one. Carolina is good. Minny isn't.
Didn't Brad Johnson look just a little too excited to connect on that TD pass? And Troy Williamson...my word. Catch the ball, homie. BJ is the oldest QB in the league, and Carolina's D is going to expose that. (Huge points though to Johnson for naming his son Maximus. Think that kid might have a little pressure to live up to?)
The pick: Carolina
Cleveland at Cincinnati (-10)
I can't tell you how excited I am to watch Rudi Johnson run all over the Browns defense. Not because I like the Bengals or hate the Browns...but because Rudi is my No. 2 fantasy back. Rudi! Rudi! Rudi!
The pick: Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago (-9.5)
Roy Williams guarenteed a win and procliamed the Lions O stupid close to scoring 40 points in a week in which they scored 6 on exactly zero touchdowns. Good enough for me.
The pick: Detroit
Houston at Indianapolis (13.5)
The Eagles and their psueodo-recieving corps absolutely torched the Texans secondary last week to the point that Andy Reid was saying "Watch this" to his assisntant before sending in plays that led to scores. I would imagine Indy does much the same thing, except instead of saying "watch this," Tony Dungy says "I hate you Peyton."
The pick: Indy
New Orleans (-2) at Green Bay
This isn't even close. Green Bay is a punchline. How the hell is this line only at 2?
The pick: New Orleans
N.Y. Giants at Philadelphia (-3)
Game of the Week right here. Donnie Mac and homefield are the difference. I'm very excited to see Tom Coughlin positively losing his mind on the sidelines, though. I hope he starts doing that thing where he waves his arms up and down like an extra in Angels in the Outfield trying to pump up the crowd, only Shockey comes over, shakes his blonde locks out of his eyes, and says "Um, coach? You know we're on the road? Plus um...me and some of the guys we're talkin'...well, um...you look like a tool doing that...we took a vote and um, you should stop."
The pick: Philly
Oakland at Baltimore (-12)
The question here is, will Baltimore score 13 points? Because if they can, they'll cover. I think their defense alone can score 13 points, so they'll cover. Have you ever seen a team look worse than Oakland did Monday night? I mean, ever? Not in the NFL...like college or high school or hell, Pop Warner. They only had 129 total yards - 42 passing! When you beat the hell out of some scrub team on Madden, even they get 129 yards! They gave up 9 sacks. I'm telling you, play 500 with Randy Moss, Oakland. Its your only shot.
The pick: Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-5.5)
I'm firmly entrenches in the Michael Vick Breakout Year Camp. I'm also fimrly entrenched in Chris Simms Will be the First NFL Player to Come Out of the Closet Unless Michael Straham Does First. You see where I'm going with this.
The pick: Atlanta
Arizona at Seattle (-7)
An open letter to Shaun Alexander:
Dear Shaun,
Pull a stunt this week like the one you pulled last week - 50 yards, FL - and you will be doing a lot more than slipping on weiner dogs. Try me.
Sincerely,
The T-Birds.
The pick: Arizona
St. Louis (-3) at San Francisco
You know who comes into the Niners house and pushes them around?!?! No one, that's who!!
The pick: San Francisco
Kansas City at Denver (-10.5)
How the hell is Denver favored by over 10 points? How the hell are they even going to score 10 points? Look at the QB match up here: Damon Huard vs Jake Plummer. Cripes. Not exactly the Manning Bowl, is it? Denver will win, but certainly not by more than 10 points.
The pick: Denver
Tennessee at San Diego (-11.5)
Again, Philip Rivers is getting over 11 points? I understand Tennesse is not so good, and their QB is..oh. Just 11. 5? Sounds about right.
The pick: San Diego.
New England (-6) at N.Y. Jets
Did you enjoy that Week One, New York? You did? Good, I'm glad.
The pick: New England.
Washington at Dallas (-6)
I freaking hate Dallas. No way I could ever pick them. Ever. God I hate them.
The pick: Washington
Pittsburgh (-2.5) at Jacksonville
Pittsburgh's defense is too good. I'm curious to see how Joey Porter makes fun of his opponent this week. He's turning into a defensive Chad Johnson.
The pick: Pittsburgh
Monday, September 11, 2006
Tiger Woods Wants to be More Nuetral
I think I might give tennis a shot.
I never really cared about it too much - except for Michael Chang on the USA channel; makes sense - but if Andy Roddick is gonna be a bad ass and say chippy things to announcers and get a rivalry going with Federer, well...I could be down with that.
So why watch now? Well, there was an American with a personality in the finals of the US Open. One and only reason. If it was Federer-Nadal, I would have passed. (Pony tails and capri pants? Um, I'm good.) In an individual sport, all you need is personality. And a rivalry. That's all you need. If tennis has had one of these in the past five years, I didn't know. My bad. But I know now. So I'm gonna watch. As long as Roddick keeps being good and brash, anyways.
As I was watching, though, I noticed Tiger was there. Tiger Woods. And I saw him clapping abd trying to pretend to be cool with his backwards hat and everything...but I kept noticing they would only show him whenever Federer did well (I was watching with no volume). After turning the volume up, I realized he was cheering for Federer. For Federer!
Does anyone else find this...um, wrong? Tiger's American! Federer is Swiss! Roddick is American! Who should he be cheering for?
I understand they are buds and all (wonder who approached who? Had to have been Tiger calling Roger...no way Federer has the balls to dial up El Tigre), but shouldn't Tigers loyalties lie with his nation?
And yea, I get that the Olympics are an international competition, and this was merely a tournament where allegiance to country isn't exactly relevant...but still. Say this was the Olympics. Would Tiger change his stripes (ba-zing!) and cheer on his fellow countyman? Or would he stay with his new best bud Rog and cheer against the US? What if Roddick is cheering for Europe in the Ryder Cup, against Tiger? Would that be OK?
Its kinda like that movie The Fox and the Hound. That's a kind of obscure Disney movie for kids, and if you've seen it, you got the reference. If you haven't seen it, well...you don't and I'm sorry you had to sit through this paragrpah. It wasn't really for you.
I can understand Tiger wanting to cheer on his boy and all...but maybe he should have done it from his living room. At least then we wouldn't have to see him trying to be cool with that backwards hat that doesn't fit.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Things I Want to See This Year
If these things happen this season, I'll be Mr. Happy Guy:
While announcing the Jets-Titans game, Jim Nantz accidentally says, "And here comes the New York Jets, under the direction of new head coach Eric Mangina!"
St. Louis goes 0-16 and absolutely blows. For a couple of reasons. First, so Stephen Jackson sucks, which means the Lemonades (of the 16th Avenue Legends League) will be awful. Second, so Bill Simmons will shutup.
How can you pick St. Louis as a sleeper team? Yea, they went 6-10 last year, but they had alot of shit going on. Mike Martz was doing his best John Nash impersonation. Marshall Faulk was in his last year, and Stephen Jackson was being ignored. They played freaking Jamie Martin at quarterback for how many games. Now they have a stable coach, Marc Bulger under center for 16 games, a freaking stud in the backfield, and a very talented recieving corps (Kevin Curtis is so underrated; he's like a two pack of red Zingers at 2:30 in the morning). Plus, they play in the incredibly pathetic NFC East. Home of the Niners. Yea. And when Seattle won at STL last year? First time in eight years they'd won at The Greatest Show on Turf. So. Not so much of an underdog, are they? He rips on Regis for picking Arizona as his sleeper; STL is just as bad as a call.
And now he's running his wife's picks in a sidebar next to his?!?!? Are you kidding me? His wife's!?!?! And she gets to make catty comments (Rip on Lindsay Lohan? Clever and original. This column is going to make Simmons wife look like a petty whore. Good decision.) above her picks? I'm glad we nailed down the date Simmons had his penis cut off. This is ridiculous. I would assume Simmons' logic is that the people that have been reading him since back in the day are all by now married and having kids and getting their wieners chopped off too. So they want to read this crap. But you know what? That logic sucks. I hate Simmons for this, and I will never forgive him. Combine that with that atrocious Green Bay article (which was downright depressing; I only got to the end because it would have been like leaving a funeral early), and Simmons is one more ballless (wow, that word has three 'l's' in a row - super) column away from me never reading him again.
OK, had to get that off my chest. Moving on.
(Oh, who am I kidding? He's like cigarettes. I know I shouldn't, but I will. Damnit. I hate myself.)
Here's my question though: how much tail is Peyton pulling? I don't exactly see him in a roped-off VIP room sucking down bottle after bottle of Cristal while bouncers parade groupies in front of him. There's no question he has the star power; but he seems like kind of a dork who would be akward at a club. I think he's the guy who repeatedly whispers something into a girl's ear, only she keeps going "What? I can't hear you, the bass is too loud! What was that?!" So he finally shouts what he was saying, only its just as the music cuts out, so the whole club hears him say, "I said, your boobs are neat!" I think he gets girls, I just don't know where he's meeting them at, thats all. Certainly not any Kenny Chesney concerts. So I just want to know, that's all. Not judging. Just asking.
I want the Vikings to get busted starting a Mile High Club on a cross country flight. First water, then air. It could all come full circle. A little closure, you know?
San Fran goes 8-8. OK, 7-9. Man, that'd be awesome.
I want Chad Johnson to score one TD per week, just so we can see how he's going to use the fans as props. I want him to carry it over from week to week too. Tell us a story, Chad. This could be more ridiculous and compelling than "Trapped in a Closet."
I want more celebrations mocking other player's signature celebration. When Joey Porter got his roll on after sacking Dante Culpepper Thursday night, the room I was watching the game in exploded. Just went nuts. It really doesn't get any better than that; its like your at 5th grade recess all over again. Hines Ward mocking TOs Eagle flap (which was gay, anyways, TO), TO mocking Ray Lewis' pregame dance (which is gay anyways, Ray...don't stab me), Steve Smith rowing the boat after scoring on the Vikings, etc. More of that. Please and thank you. (Um, since we're kinda on the topic, what does "p and q" mean? Like, "that young man is so polite; he always minds his p's and q's." What are they? I really have no idea. Someone smart tell me. Please and thank you.)
I want whoever invented that "Who dey" cheer the Bengals do to be found and their tongue ripped out with a wrench. I can't believe the Bengals chant or sing or mumber that song and think its cool; whats even crazier is that it caught on with their fan base, and they think its cool. Have they ever even listened to it? Its absurd jibberish with no beat whatsoever (and I am the master at being off beat, so I know). If a two-year-old mumbled that, you'd smile at him and then cram another Zweback in his mouth. With the squiggly stripes and the Who Dey song, the Bengals might as well be four year olds. I wouldn't be stunned to see them wear binkies instead of mouth guard.
I want to see a TV show where Nick Saban and John Gruden each get their own second grade classroom to teach for a week. Whoever makes the most kids cry wins. Saban has actually made a grown man cry, but my money is on Gruden. He's just relentless. "What's the capital of Vermont, Timmy? What is it? Mont -what?! Spit it out Timmy! Lets go! We haven't got all day, whats the god damned capital?!? John knows the answer! Sam knows the answer! Get him the hell out of here! Get him the hell out of my sight! Get in the hall, Timmy!"
I want to see Bill Parcels flip out about a call, forcing one of his assistants "hold him back" by grabbing his shirt, except he pulls a little to hard, the shirt rips, and Parcells' Bro (Manzier!) is exposed for all the world to see. The ultimate ward robe malfunction.
But mostly, I want Reggie Bush to score twice in the first half of the Saints game. I then want him to be the subject of those orchestrated 30-second interviews before heading into the locker room. I want this attractive woman who is given an index card with two questions on it to ask him this question: "What do you think of the Texans decision not to draft you No. 1 overall?" And I want Reggie to reply thusly: "That was dumb."
That's all I want.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Preview of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.
Before the start of every season in the National Football League, I seem to make one sweet prediction. Granted, that one sweet prediction comes amongst about 30 or 40 inane ones, but I still get that one. So here's 40 or so odd things that most certainly will not pan out, but I guarentee one of these will be a real gem. A diamond in the rough, if you will. Your job is to find it.
Without further ado, your '06 NFL preview.
AFC EAST
This is a two horse race (without, ironically, any horses): Phins or Pats. The Jets and the Bills suck, and aren't even worth really discussing.
Everything seems to be falling in line for the Dolphins, doesn't it? Disgruntled QB who hasn't gotten his roll on lately and with everything to prove, throwing to a pair of absolute playmakers, and with an on-the-rise running back, who's also trying to prove he can handle the every day load. They'll be playing with a chip on their shoulder all season long. Plus, Nick Saban is the new Bill Belichik. He's so hot right now. Not to mention the fact that he makes huge men weep while wearing one of the chessiest hats of all time.
Still, its the Patriots. They win Super Bowls with teams that should be 8-8. How can you pick against them? Well, you can pick against them because their most notable moves off the off season have been losing The Most Clutch Kicker Ever, the Deion Branch holdout, trading for the immortal Doug Jolley and convincing Jr. Seau to come out of retirement (I hope Seau has a son in the NFL someday named Jr. Seau Jr. He would be like a modern day Mr. Mister.). Plus, Corey Dillon died halfway through last season. I had him on my fantasy team last year; I know these things.
I think the Pats just hit a wall this season. You can only do the whole smoke and mirrors thing for so long. Four guarentee W's against Buffalo and NY make things interesting, but the Phins wrap up the division.
AFC NORTH
Who woulda thought the QB in this division with the least amount of questions surrounding him would be playing for the Ravens? Roethlisberger's internal organs hate him, Palmer's knee was rushed in my opinion (If you think he's 100%, you're nuts. He torched the Packers D, for God's sake. Let's seem him do it in the regualr season.) and Charlie Frye is Charlie Frye.
Still, Palmer's knee should be healthy enough to wrap up back-to-back division titles. Provided Johnson & Johnson stay out of jail - no small feat on that team - that offense should just be cookies.
You know how I know the Bengals are gay, though? Those stripes. Seriously. Those are just...gay. They aren't just stripes...they're curley. Like streamers. My gaudy aunt wears things like that on Thanksgiving. We get it, you're nickname is a tiger. You wear stripes. Cute. The Jaguars aren't wearing spots though. And the Vikings don't have horns sticking out of their helmet. Denver doesn't put hooves on their cleats. It's like a third-grader came up with their uniforms. Just dress ' em in prison issued jumpsuits and be done with it. Curley stripes. Ghey.
Is anyone else excited for the Chris Henry/Santonio Holmes pregame handshake/pound before the game? Do they both need their PO's there, or will just one suffice?
I'm pretty geeked to hear Stillers fans bitch all year about their team. I don't think there are worse fans than Pittsburgh's. Honestly, how long were they happy after the Super Bowl? 5 minutes? Maybe? Watching Charlie Batch for a whole season might cause mass pileups in the Fort Pitt tunnels. I couldn't be more excited.
Oh...and the Browns suck, and I can't wait to see Kellen Winslow get lit up every week. Ah, never mind..I don't give a hell.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tennesse, Houston. Easy.
Here's hoping Joseph Addai breaks out (fantasy purposes only).
Did you ever pay attention to how Byron Leftwhich throws? He literally brings the ball down to his knee, locks his elbow, and just catapults it. Its insane. Combine that with his performance on that ESPN show where the NFL dudes rode around on jet skis and climbed walls, and I have no idea how he's such a good quarterback. He's the least athletic, least coordinated QB I can think of. His nuts must be friggin' enormous. Yea, that's it. Huge nuts.
I think its funny that the Dominick Davis is out for the year. Wonder of Mario Williams can run the ball?
AFC WEST
Who cares, really. I hate this division.
I will say this: Larry Johnson is overrated! Yea, I said it. He lost his best o-lineman and a damn good blocking fullback. He's the only back now. Trent Green is about to lose it; all his recievers blow, anyways. I wouldn't even cover half of them. And I don't mean I'd just put one defender on them. I mean I'd let them run wherever they wanted and see if they could actually catch a real pass. I'd put nine - 9! - guys in the box. Seriously, why wouldn't you do this? Is this Trent Green-Sammie Morris connection scaring anyone? No. Larry Johnson doesn't even have any moves, I don't think.
Did you ever play "500" as a kid? A bunch of kids stand at one end of the field and the kid with the best arms throws bombs, and everytime he throws one, he yells out a number. If he yells "100!" and you catch it, you get 100 points. Shouldn't the Raiders just run this every time? Just call it 500, have Moss and Ronald Curry run down field, and see if one of them can get it. Your telling me Moss isn't bringing down one out of every 5? Just throw it up! Its not like Aaron Brooks is gonna make a read. Let Jerry Porter hit people while the ball is in the air, too. Its not like their regular offense is going to work.
NFC EAST
Philly, baby, Philly.
The whole division is pretty even, I think. Every team has one great player: Tiki Torch, TO, McNabb, Portis. TO is gonna blow up, and its gonna be great to watch. Parcells might belly slam him to the ground (Parcells is FAT and his hair is luducris. If I was a reporter and he was talking to me like an absolute cock, I would bring this up.) and then sit on him. Janky Spanky is nicked up. The Tiki Torch has to burn out sometime...I say this year. This leaves McNabb being great.
I'm telling you, McNabb is just freaking great. If I was in need of a franchise QB, it would be Brady and then him. He's played with a good reciever exactly once, and the results were ridiculous. His recievers might be worse thean the Chiefs, and he's still gonna put up ungodly numbers. Heres my gem of a prediction: McNabb is an MVP candidate.
(And if you think that has anything to do with McNabb being my starting fantasy QB, well...it does. But I still mean it.)
NFC NORTH
Minn, det, chi,, df
I might hate this division more than the AFC West. There's basically nothing compelling going on here. Minnesoata is busy making themselves the most boring team in the NFL. Detroit plays great D and has no a putrid offense. Mike Martz has some fun toys in Detroit, but no one to play with them. And Green Bay...they may be the worst team in the NFL. Good Lord, they are atrocious.
Lotta love out there for Detroit to come "out of no where" and win the division...but I'm just not seeing it. Chicago's defense is ridiculous. You think Detroit is beating Chicago twice? I sure as hell don't.
I'm just curious about Brett Favre. He's something like 25 TDs away from breaking the all time record (yea, like I'm looking up the exact figure.) But I haven't heard anyone - anyone! - mention that maybe his comeback has a little something to do with breaking that record. I'm pretty sure his comeback has EVERYTHING to do with breaking that record. I'm not knocking him; I'd do the same thing. I just think everyone needs to chill on the whole "Favre is such a competitor and just loves the game that much." If he had that record already, do you think he'd come back and play for THAT team? Me either.
NFC SOUTH
car, tb, atl, no
Here's what I want from this division:
I want Michael Vick to make two people run into eachother again, and I want him to do something really freakin' cool I haven't even thought of.
I want Chris Simms tattoo buddy to have a towel and water bottle ready for him every time he runs off the field after messing up the call in the huddle. (Have you ever seen the NFL Films clip of Simms fucking up the play call in the practice huddle like nine times in a row as Gruden loses his mind? Simms sounds like a second grader who can't get his multiplication tables out. And he's supposed to be a starting Q? I don't think so.)
I want Reggie Bush to run back a kickoff, a punt, catch a TD pass and rush for a TD in one game. Of course, this would mean the Saints would score 28 points, so that's not very likely.
I want Steve Smith to have a 300 yard game. Just one though.
NFC WEST
The NFC West is widely considered to be the worst division in the entire league. As a Niners fan, this hurts. Not because I don't think its the worst division - I do - but its considered the worst because the Niners are in it. I'll still never forgive them for the Alex Smith pick. God, I hate that pick.
And anyone who doesn't think the Seahwaks are winning this thing are on crack. Shaun Alexander is cracking 2 grand on the ground and gettin 30 TDs. Mark him down. Right now. Do it.
And I'm openly cheering for the Rams to throw the ball every play.
Super Bowl: Bears 2, Colts 0. Print it.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
After an 11 Day Break, I Need a Break.
Just a head's up - I'm heading out to work a camp next week, so there won't be any new posts for a while - until next Monday (not this upcoming Monday...the one after it...you know what I mean).
This camp is in the middle of no where. No TV. Certainly no internet connections. I'm guessing cell phone reception will be terrific.
Sleep in cabins. Eat over fires. Go on hikes. You know the drill. Its like Camp Anawana, minus Budnick and Ug.
In the meantime, hit me up with any ideas, comments, questions, entertaining anecdotes, trivia questions....let's have a little fun while I'm gone, shall we?
Alright, see y'all in a week. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
"I'm Back, Baby!"
Has it really been 11 days? Cripes, that's a long time. My bad, my bad (pounding chest as I backpedal down court).
Well, like MJ said - the first time - "I'm back." And yes, I just compared myself to Jordan. It's justified - in my mind, at least. (While we're here, who had the best "I'm back" ever? MJ's one line press release? Or George Costanza's "I'm back, baby!"? MJ's was infintely cooler, but Costanza added a little flair to it, plus it was hilaroius. The sheer coolness of MJ's comeback is a notch above in my book, but I'm willing to listen to arguments.)
My plan, anyways, is to be like Jordan after his first comeback: depsite the constant media attention surrounding the comeback, I'm going to start slowly at first, get reaquainted with my surroundings, build and build...and then, wait...what's that? Double nickel at MSG. That double nickel is coming sooner or later. Probably later than sooner, but it's coming.
And then of course, I will get knocked out of the playoffs by the Magic because I can't hear Nick Anderson running up behind me.
Anyways, consider this his first game against the Pacers - little rusty, but hey, he was out there playing, wasn't he?
So alot of stuff happened in the last 11 days. If I was writing about it, here's what I would have said.
El Tigre now has 11 majors, tying him for second all time with Walter Hagan - and seven off Jack's record of 18. He's a mortal lock to break that; it's probably not even going to be close, either, unless someone decides to take their skirts off. And even then, it might not matter. He could (make that will) rack up 30 majors with everyone bringing their A game, especially now that he is an emotionless golf robot.
Honestly...how crazy was his reaction after he won? He taps in for the W, then just melts down - completely understandable. Who wouldn't? Considering how integral his father was to his gold game, the reaction is even more justified. And regardless of his father's connection to his profession, it was his father who had just died. Frankly, if he had held it together, it would have been stunning. But then like 5 minutes - maybe - later - he's back to his stony-faced self. WHAT?!?! How'd he do that? Aside from not even looking like he had just wept for 5 minutes, he wasn't even remotely rattled. His control over his emotions isn't even human. That's frightening.
Considering how important the mental aspect of golf is (ask Phil or Sergio), that's borderline unfair. How can other golfers compete against a mental cyborg? Tiger and LeBron are now the only two athletes I can think of where it is completely indefensible and professionally idiotic to bet against them or critique them in anyway. How stupid does anyone look right now that criticized Tiger? Has one single criticism of his game ever been justified? One?!?! Name me one negative thing someone said about him that actually had any merit three months after it was said.
Oh, and by the way: he won hitting his driver, like, once. Personally, I think he did that just to mock Phil's spectacular attempt to use his driver on 18 at the Open. Can you imagine Phil's reaction to hearing that? I think this is the Re-rising of The Tiger and the Decline of The Phil. Mark it down.
(Quick aside: I actually did that once. Shaved my locks at like 3:30 in the morning because I was hammered. I woke up the next morning barely in time to submit my fantasy football lineup...couldn't decide on my second running back, went to run my hand through my hair to help aid in the decision...and there was none there. Felt like I went down a rollercoaster. Just a sick, sick feeling. I'm sure our little two-time MVP felt the same way, regardless of what he says.)
Another Bengal is arrested - this time with a taser! Yawn.
Floyd Landis makes it 8 years in a row for the Americans. Man, the French have to be pissed right now. They try to drill Lance on some trumped up charge for 7 years (best comeback ever: "what am I on? I'm on my bike every day.") and then when he bounces to make gay jokes at the ESPYs some other American wins their race. Ah, good times, good times.
I have to say, though...I was really impressed with Lance Armstrong winning 7 in a row (even if I thought him winning Male Athlete of the Year every year was a little ridiculous - he won ONE event a year). But now, Landis - some guy I'd never even heard of - wins the Tour. I dunno...I guess it's still awesome, Lance. But it's just not as hard as I thought it was. That's all I'm saying.
Plus, doesnt Floyd look like Steve Zahn. A little bit?
Reggie Bush is willing to sit out the year and enter next season's draft all over again. I understand where he's coming from, but sitting out a year doesn't really work for anyone. Clarett kinda screwed that one up, and even though it wasn't really Mike Williams' fault, sitting out that year didn't really help. It's probably an empty threat, but whatever...sign your deal and get into camp. You are killing fantasy football owners right now. Namely, me. You are already the craziest pick on the board - honestly, no one has any idea of what you are going to do; are you Barry Sanders or Brian Westbrook or KiJana Carter? Remove a little of the uncertainty, alright? Sign on the dotted line. Please.
A-Rod is slowly morphing into Chuck Knoblauch. Which is great. I really don't like A-Rod, and there is ample evidence to back me up: breaking up a pretty cool Mariners team by signing that roster-crippling $252 million contract with the Rangers; bitching when they lost (which he knew was going to happen), then forcing a trade to NY and pretty much screwing over the Red Sox in the process; that karate chop bullshit he pulled against Boston; having purple lips; etc.
Barbaro is still alive. Damnit.
Coach K demands "56 quarters of dominance" from the US ballers. Say what you will about Coach K (and I will: he's a corporate sell out who just happens to coach basketball while looking like a sanctimonious rat and can't go two sentences without dropping a f-bomb and once said his player had "beautiful eyes."), but the man is right about this. That's the perfect attitude to have. Chris Sheridan took him to task for the mindset - "International competition is so good! I know, I watch them play! I've seen all the games!" - but Sheridan comes off looling like an idiot who doesn't know the first thing about competition.
Yea, Sheridan, other countries are better than '92. But you know what? We still have all the best players. We should win, we should be dominant, and it shouldn't even be close. Yea, the rules and styles are different, but they aren't that different. It's not like it's a no-dribble tournament with three balls while Gladiotors shoot at you with those tennis ball guns. It's still basketball and we have the best players. That should translate into dominance, no?
Sheridan's stance is so egeriously wrong...I'll be expanding on this later.
Zidane is punished for his headbutt. FIFA fined him 6 grand and suspended him for three games - but that doesn't matter, because he retired. So instead of being suspended, he has to do community service. Which makes about as much sense as the All-Star game deciding home field advantage in the World Series. Isn't this kind of like your high school giving you a detention after they gave you a diploma?
Zidane needs to roll into FIFA headquarters like Black Bush dismissing the UN: "You know what I think you should do? You should sanction me. Sanction me with your army. Oh, wait a minute! You don't have an army! I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!
TO said he was misquoted in his own book. Speaking of shutting the fuck up...
Would there be a better Real World character than T.O.? I don't think so. God I hate him. (And by the way, NFL Network making fun of his book has been a highlight of mine for the last couple of weeks. Dhanti Jones reading pompous, meaningless passages as if they were literary classics kills me every time. And the fact that the NFL itself is ripping on TO...well, I think they hate him as much as I do.)
Bill Belichik is named as the "other man." So two people are getting divorced because the wife is allegedly having an affair with none other than the football genius Bill Belichik. That just boggles my mind. Honestly, Bill Belichik?
Could you think of a coach less likely to be caught in an affair? Maybe Rick Majerus? At least he has a sense of humor and knows all the best restauarants. Art Shell? Hell, if he can come back and coach the Raiders, I think he can handle a woman on the side. Marv Levy? Hey, pop him a few Viagra, and he's ready to roll, son!
Belichik just seems surly and mean...imagine him sweet talking a woman in a bar? I can't even imagine him wearing anything other than that gray hooded sweatshirt. How does a mean guy who wears nothing but sweatpants pull of an affair? I'd really like to hear Belichick spit some game. How many times do you think he name dropped Tom Brady before the woman caved?
Of course, both Bill and the woman are denying this, so its all specualtion at this point. But still...doesn't this change his prescence among his players a little? There is no way they look at him the same now. If I was a Pats fan, I'd be worried right now. I wouldn't want Corey Dillon and Troy Brown giggling behind my coach' s back all season.
Phew. There. 'Bout 2,000 words. Not a bad comeback. And if I forogt anything, I'm sure you'll let me know. Time for some Gatorade.
Oh, and just because its great:
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Dave Roethlisburger.
You know the movie Dave? President goes into a coma, so they find some look-a-like to to his place for a while? I think the Stillers are doing the same thing with Ben Roethlisberger. Here, take a look for yourself:
Before:
After:
Something just isn't right there, is it? I mean, yea, its close...but that's not Big Ben. My mom, of all people, pointed this out, and I think she's onto someting. Is it because he shaved the beard? Is he a little swollen still from the surgery? His eyes seem bigger, his cheeckbones a little more pronounced...a little plastic surgery, perhaps? I can't figure it out.
The weird thing is...he looks nicer. I can't figure out why that is, either, but I think I like him more this way. He looks approchable, like a cool uncle. Also, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
While we're here, though, a thought on Roethlisberger not wearing a helmet: Everyone shut up.
Seriously.
The guy doesn't wear a helemt. Get over it. It's not illegal. It wasn't in his contract. He's 21. It's his choice. You might not agree with it, and it might be safer to wear one, but that's his choice.
Sure, it can help save a life, but then why don't you wear one in the car? Granted, a motorcycle is inherently more dangerous than a car, but the principle still applies: If everyone in cars wore a helmet, there would be less fatalities.
So either start wearing a helmet in your car, or shut up.
And while you're at it, stop eating while you drive and fiddling with the radio and talking on your cell and speeding and pulling an Eddie Griffin. All those things jack up the odds of you getting in an accident.
Unless you drive with your hands at 10 and 12 all day, shut up.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Stan Van Gundy's All Stars.
Over at the worldwide leader, John Clayton put together a cool little thing: he assembled the best team possible in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE - all while staying under the salary cap. Full, 53-Man Roster, with backups and everything. Its pretty sweet.
So if Mr. Garrison can do it with the NFL, why can't I do it with the NBA? Sure it won't be as in-depth - only a 12 man roster - and it won't be an original idea, and I'm going to take about 10 minutes, where I bet Clayton took like a whole day...but it'll still be fun. For me anyways. I mean, cripes, its like 5 in the morning. What else is there to do?
The L just set this year's cap at $53.135 million. So I got a decent chunk of change to work with. But first, I wanted to hone my inner Isiah, and see the best team I could put together, money be damned. (Alright, Isiah just did the money be damned part, but you get the idea.)
The No Cap All Stars are what I feel are the 12 best players in the NBA. OK, well not the best players...if there was a 1-on-1 competition, these guys probably wouldn't finish 1-12. The thought process was to fill out a legit roster - ya kno, point guards and centers and stuff. Oh, and chemistry isn't important. Stan Van Gundy is coaching this team (he was available), and they will play together, without ego, or they will incurre Stan's wrath. And you don't want that, please believe.
The entire roster is in the graphic (left) but a few things are worth noting.
Steve Nash will be the starting point guard and he will play nearly the entire game, exept for those little breaks he likes where he puts on his warmup pants, seven shooting shirts and 19 towels and lays at the end of the bench. He gets three of those per game. He's on the No Cappers solely for his ability to distribute the ball. Stan will ask him to shoot exactly no times and guard exactly no one. Push the ball, get the ball to people where they can do good things with it, make your free throws at the end of games and throw lobs from half court. That's it; that's his entire job.
Shaq is coming off the bench, but we may have to change that. In fact, yea, let's do that: Shaq starts, because he's not playing in the fourth quarter, anyways, so let's keep him happy. Might have to do the same thing with Kobe and Wade, too; we'll see how Stan handles those egos. I got faith (pounding chest twice). KG: I'm keeping him on the bench. Even though he's all wound up and shit, he should just be thankful to play with some one better than Troy Hudson and Mark Madsen.
The crazy thing is, this team is more loaded than a Wendy's baked potato but there are only a handful of guys who really dominate the ball. And only two do it just because that's just the way they play: Iverson and Kobe.
The rest of the guys who hijack the rock regulary - Nash, Wade, James, Garnett - do it because of necessity. Wade does it at the end of games because everyone else on the court is just really not that effective (although they did hit some big shots in the playoffs, I'll give them that); Nash does it only in the halfcourt, because he has no - 0, zero, zip - good half court players on his team, he would much rather run and distribute (OK, Diaw can play in the half court); James does it because Anderson Varejo is the second best player on his team; Garnett for the same reason, 'cept replace Anderson with a guy who shot at his own rim because he was one board short of a triple-double.
The point is, this squad can play together. Nash will make everyone happy. Kobe plays team ball because allegedly he can (see: First Round of 2006 Playoffs, sans Game 7) and because his image is so shot, he really can't afford the bad pub. AI will be AI, not much you can do there. Flash can defer and still excel. Bronny loves to pass and run. Dirk can hit the glass (his new apparent obesession) and shoot elbow J's. TD doesn't demand the ball, but obviously he'll get it. Everyone else is coming off the bench and if they don't like it, well, that's what Stan is here for: tough love.
The grand total for this squad? A little under $148 million. Not bad when you consider Isiah's shelling out $109 mil a year for a 29-win team. Good Lord. That just astounds me. I know its not fair to make fun of Zeke anymore than it is to look at your buddy's plays in a game of NCAA when he's picking his offense, but you still do it.
Still, with the luxury tax set at $65.42 mil, the No Cappers just aren't feasible - we're not owned by Mark Cuban for the love of George Steinbrenner!
So how do we get under? Well, we go younger, that's how (insert R. Kelly joke here). Only four players remain when we go under the cap: Nash, LeBron, D. Wade and Amare. The last three are all still playing out their piddling rookie contracts. As for Nash? Well, point guards are like diapers: overpay a bit - you'll notices the difference.
We add Dwight Howard and Yao Ming to the starting lineup because they also have piddling rookie contracts and are also very tall and very good. Plus, its two more guys who don't demand the ball! Howard can go get it off the glass, and if Yao asks for it, we'll pretend like we don't understand what he's saying, just like in the Garmin commercial.
The bench is another real beauty: six first-time contracts! 'Melo (as long as he doesn't curse us out for having a little weed...and if you believe any of that, well, Isiah has some contracts he'd like to unload on you) Josh Howard, Chris Paul, Diaw, Amare and Church.
Oh, Church: that's Kirk Hinrich. That's his new nickname, for a few reasons: One, that's what his name means, I guess (not too concerend with details here). Two, it sounds pretty badass, especially when you say it like Snoop: "Chuuuuuuuuch." Three, if you're guarding Hinrich, better say you're prayers. You're in for a long night. And four, that's where I spent many vigils, praying they'd add my favorite Kansan to the US hoops' roster.
Here's the wild card on the Cappers: Ron Artest. Tru Warrior is on the squad because no one plays harder, he'll keep everyone on their toes, he can guard anyone, and he seems happy doing really strange things. That qualifies him in my book. There is the small (huge) chance Ron Ron might go Lloyd Braun on us again, but hey...I think he's worth the risk.
This team was relatively easy to assemble though, because there are so many good - great - young players. Do you have any idea the talent that has only been in the league for three years? Yea, everyone knows Bron Bron, Wade and Melo went in the top 5 in '03, and Bosh was picked fourth...but do you know who went 6th? Chris Kaman. One of the best big men in the league. After him, the Bulls went to Church. Diaw and Josh Howard were in that draft, too! That's insane! Throw in Darko, and well...nevermind.
The year after gave us Dwight Howard, Emeka Okafor, BG7, Livingston, Devon Harris, Josh Smith...the list goes on and on. Last year we got Chris Paul, probably the second best point guard in the NBA.
And you're telling me this isn't the brink if a Golden Age? If there is a better three-year run of talent currently playing in the NBA, I want to see it. The scary thing is, the talent is slowly dwindling again. We should be good for a while, but let's hope OJ Mayo and Greg Oden keep that river running deeply and smoothly.
I think I was making a point back there...oh yea, how easy it was to put this team together. Piece of cake. Keeping that team together would be a near impossibility, though. Still, it would be fun while it lasted.
(And I still can't believe the greatest team possible only costs $29 mil more than the Knick's payroll.)
